Hey everyone. Tom here, your DVD Critics Corner compadre. Please, remain seated.
Summer is almost upon us. I know this because My left knee throbs when summer is coming. My right knee throbs when there is cake nearby.
That, I don’t understand. But I do like cake.
Anyhoo, Summer means a great big load of blockbuster movies will be dumped on us between now and September, some will have superheroes, others will have bloodthirsty space aliens, and at least one will have the undeniable stench of Michael Bay.
I’ve been doing a lot of research on the big movies about to hit the multiplexes; reading all the movie websites and blogs, combing over ever trailer frame by frame, and picking the brains of my private nerd council (aka my friends) to bring you the very first DVD Critics Corner Summer Movie Preview and Spoiler Alert Special!
Let’s get started, shall we?
Please Note: My “spoilers” are for entertainment purposes only. They will not give away any important plot points. Would I do that to you?
Movie: Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice
Release Date: March 25
Synopsis: With Metropolis in ruins, people are concerned that Superman (Henry Cavill) may not be the hero the world needs. Batman (Ben Affleck) thinks the Man of Steel needs to answer for his crimes. Let the battle begin!
Spoiler Alert! – After a long fight, Batman and Superman put aside their differences and team up with Wonder Woman for an important mission that if successful will save humanity as we know it – preventing the Baywatch movie from being made!
Movie: The Jungle Book
Release Date: April 15
Synopsis: A live action version of the Disney animated classic about a boy living in the jungle with his animal pals.
Spoiler Alert! – All the animals are real. The kid is CGI.
Movie: Captain America – Civil War
Release Date: May 6
Synopsis: Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr) and Captain America (Chris Evans) find themselves on opposing sides when the government wants to reign in The Avengers.
Spoiler Alert! – In the post credits flashback sequence, The Hulk bursts into tears when he’s told he won’t be in the movie.
Movie: The Angry Birds Movie
Release Date: May 20
Synopsis: The birds must defend their home against the evil pigs!
Spoiler Alert! – Ten minutes into the movie you will realize how many hours you wasted playing Angry Birds on your phone. It was a lot, wasn’t it?
Movie: X Men – Apocalypse
Release Date: May 27
Synopsis: The X Men must join together to defeat super mutant Apocalypse before he destroys the world.
Spoiler Alert! – Halfway through the movie, Mystique remembers that she’s Academy Award winning actress Jennifer freakin Lawrence and walks off the set.
Movie: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows
Release Date: June 3
Synopsis: The Turtles are back, and are facing a new enemy!
Spoiler Alert! – One of the Turtles screams Cowabunga! and a piece of you dies inside.
Movie: Independence Day – Resurgence
Release Date: June 24
Synopsis: Earth once again faces a huge invasion from outer space!
Spoiler Alert! – Will Smith is not in this movie. But good news – Jeff Goldblum is! So that’s kind of good I guess…
Release Date: July 15
Synopsis: An all new all women team fights ghosts in this remake/reboot!
Spoiler Alert! – In mid July the internet will collapse from all the angry comments from disgruntled Ghostbusters fans who don’t want any stupid ol’ girls in their Ghostbusters movies!
Movie: Star Trek Beyond
Release Date: July 22
Synopsis: The Enterprise crew is back for another adventure!
Spoiler Alert! – Since Simon Pegg (who plays Scotty) wrote the script for this one, Scotty will be called upon to save the day when big doofus Captain Kirk (Chris Pine) puts the crew in danger. AGAIN! And Scotty totally scores with Uhuru.
Movie: Jason Bourne
Release Date: July 29
Synopsis: Former superspy Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) is still on the run from – wait? is he still on the run? I thought he cleared his name in the last movie.. Or did he? You know what? I don’t care any more.
Spoiler Alert! – Someone playing a CIA official will shout “Find Jason Bourne,” every 12 minutes. Extra Spoiler Alert! – They won’t find him.
Movie: Suicide Squad
Release Date: August 5
Synopsis: The world’s most dangerous villains are recruited by the government for secret missions.
Spoiler Alert! – The internet will collapse again as disgruntled fans worldwide take to the comments section to whine about how Heath Ledger was a way better Joker than Jared Leto. By then I will have stopped giving a flying crap about anything and will curl up into a ball and weep until the Fall.
ENJOY THE BLOCKBUSTERS!!
In this continuing series, DVD Critics Corner looks at some really big things featured in some of cinema’s greatest movies. Your opinion of what is big will differ of course, but this isn’t about you. This is my thing. Can you let me have this please?
Part One – Huge Spaceships from Huge Movies!
A wise old Jedi Master once said “Size matters not.”
Poppycock. You heard me Yoda. Poppycock.
Face it, if you want humans to tremble at your feet, you don’t dispatch one itty bitty TIE fighter to hover menacingly over Washington D.C. And if you’re travelling halfway across the universe on a mission of peace, one of those compact Day the Earth Stood Still flying saucers might get better gas mileage, but they’re kinda boring to look at and I hear the headroom sucks.
When it comes to spacecrafts, you either go big or you go back to your weirdly named home planet.
Let’s take a look at some big spaceships from some big sci-fi movies.
As Seen In: Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977)
Key Features: Tons of space, window shattering sound system.
The Skinny: Those little alien guys from Steven Spielberg’s classic film really knew how to travel in style! This ginormous ship is a wonder to behold, but be sure to keep your sunblock and shades nearby because this ship is brighter than an M.I.T. valedictorian. And keep your distance from the occupants of this Mothership, because they like to kidnap humans and take them for really long rides.
As Seen In: Independence Day (1996)
Key Features: Superior defense shields, frickin laser beams, no firewall.
The Skinny: While the happy aliens from Close Encounters came bearing gifts, the hugely pissed off aliens from Independence Day come bearing Armageddon in the form of a 15 mile wide ship with a death ray guaranteed to erase all of those unsightly blemishes from your skin and the skin of everyone else in your city. And state. Fortunately for the human race, these big skulled buggers didn’t count on two things; Jeff Goldblum’s amazing hacking skills and a flying Fresh Prince.
As Seen In: Spaceballs (1987)
Key Features: Ludicrous speed capabilities, Shopping Mall, Zoo.
The Skinny: Taking over 90 seconds to enter the frame at the beginning of the movie, Spaceball One is big. Seriously big. Perhaps President Skroob (Mel Brooks) and Dark Helmet (Rick Moranis) are trying to overcompensate for something? I really can’t say, but I for one am happy with the size of the ship that God gave me. Spaceball One’s greatest feature is its ability to transform into a robot maid, which marked the first time a giant transforming robot made an audience laugh. Then 20 years later, Michael Bay unleashed Transformers on the world, and we laughed even harder.
As Seen In: Star Trek-The Motion Picture (1979)
Key Features: Twelfth-power energy shields, plasma discharge weapons, really big memory card.
The Skinny: Do you like your spaceships big and brainy? Well then have I got a craft for you! When it comes to big, V’Ger wrote the book. In fact, if V’Ger was a book, it would be a 32 volume set of the Encyclopedia Britanica sandwiched between a large print Websters Dictionary and a copy of the United States Tax Code. V-Ger is essentially a giant hard drive, storing tons of info on its quest to return to earth and report back to “the creator.” And when V’Ger finds out the creator is William Shatner, it freaks out and explodes. That’s probably what will happen to me if I ever meet Shatner. He’s freakin’ awesome.
As Seen In: The Empire Strikes Back (1980), Return of the Jedi (1983)
Key Features: 5,000 turboblasters, room for 38,000 ground troops, meditation chambers for chillaxin’.
The Skinny: Boo-yah! When it comes to hugeness, nobody tops the Galactic Empire. The Executor was the flagship of the Imperial Navy, and Darth Vader spared no expense in making sure his personal Star Destroyer was loaded with every factory option in the book. You want turbo blasters? It’s got em. You want ion cannons? It’s got em. You want a powerful deflector shield that protects the bridge from being destroyed by a dinky little rebel fighter? Um, I’m not sure, but I’ll get back to you on that. Regardless of it’s design flaws, The Executor is one bad-ass bucket. If I was going to enslave a galaxy, it would be my choice of ride hands down. Never try to enslave a galaxy in a 1984 Datsun 210. Don’t ask me how I know, I just know.