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Which One of You is Dopey?


SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN (2012) Director: Rupert Sanders  Starring: Kristen Stewart, Charlize Theron, Chris Hemsworth, Ian McShane, Bob Hoskins  Rating: PG-13 for scary CG creature stuff, fighting with pointy objects, and full sized men pretending to be dwarfs. 

Forget everything you know about the Disney masterpiece Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs!

That’s right, banish every detail from your mind! Be gone Snow White, Prince Charming, the Wicked Queen! Take a hike Happy, Sleepy, Crunchy, Scabby, and all the other dwarfs!

There’s a new version of this timeless tale on DVD called Snow White and the Huntsman, and not only is it a dramatic retelling of the classic fairy tale, it’s got a pinch of Lord of the Rings, a dash of Willow, and a drop of Legend thrown in for good measure.

Think of Snow White and the Huntsman as a hearty and flavorful stew with lots of different ingredients that you pour into your DVD player and enjoy. Mmmm. I loves a good movie stew!

In medieval England (you can tell its medieval times because every road, dwelling, and peasant is covered in mud and feces) King Magnus and Queen Elanor have a daughter and name her Snow White after the Queen’s grandmother, who was a blizzard or something.

Things go well for Princess Snow for a couple of years, then her Mom dies and Dad quickly remarries a beautiful blonde chicky he rescued from a marauding army of scary dark warriors.  Ravenna (Charlize Theron) seems like a decent woman right up to when she murders Magnus on their wedding night and takes over the kingdom with the help of the dark scary guys.  Turns out Ravenna is an evil sorceress who wishes to stay beautiful for all eternity, and since botox won’t be invented for another 700 years, she drains the lifeforce of the kingdom’s young girls to keep herself looking totally hot.

Believe it or not, Nicole Kidman uses this very same technique to stay young! It says so on her Wikipedia page! Well, it will right after I post it there.

A decade or so goes by and little Snow White (who has been locked away in the castle tower) grows up to be Kristen Stewart, who was in those Twilight vampire movies the kids were so crazy about a couple of years ago. Snow hopes to be released one day or at least given a bath, but since her evil sorceress stepmother still hates her guts,  it seems highly unlikely the smelly princess will ever see the light of day.

When Ravenna learns from her magic mirror that eating Snow White’s heart will make her live forever, she dispatches her equally evil brother Finn (Sam Spruell) to bring her down from the tower. But snow escapes Finn, flees the castle and hides in The Dark Forest; a scary place with creepy bugs, slimy trees, and terrible picnic facilities.

Ravenna orders a local huntsman named Eric (Chris Hemsworth) to lead Finn and his soldiers into The Dark Forest to track down the fugitive Princess. Ravenna would gladly join them on their quest, but evil magic powers don’t work in The Dark Forest because the evil signal strength is poor and there simply aren’t enough evil magic hotspots. If Ravenna had only switched to Evil Verizon!

Eric quickly tracks down Snow White (probably by smell since the girl hasn’t showered in a friggin decade!) but decides to help her escape because Finn is a treacherous class “A” dickhead with a pageboy haircut and Eric is a medieval bad boy who plays by his own rules!

Snow White and Eric travel cross country evading Ravenna’s army looking for the Kingdom of Duke Hammond (Vincent Regan), the former right hand man of dead King Magnus who will help Snow defeat her bitchy step-mom. Along the way they meet up with seven dwarfs in a magic forest populated by magic fairies and all kinds of cute and furry animals that smile a lot and fart rainbows and other My Little Pony type crap.  Fairies are weird, ugly little creatures. There, I said it!

The dwarfs in this movie are portrayed by a pack of veteran British character actors and are more Lord of the Rings style dwarfs than Disney dwarfs, which means they’re gross looking but they know how to kick ass, and that’s a good thing because Snow needs a hard fighting army to take back her kingdom, and kindly dwarfs who break out into a song and dance number simply will not cut it!

Snow White and the Huntsman finishes up with a big battle as Snow straps on some armor form the Joan of Arc collection and leads Duke Hammond’s men on an all out assault on Ravenna and her evil army. As our heroine squares off against the villain in the thrilling climax, one cannot help but wonder if all of this violence and bloodshed could have been avoided years earlier with a few visits to a good family counselor. You know, one who understands how difficult it is for a child to adjust to a new family member, particularly one that is an evil life sucking sorceress, and who could have explained to Ravenna that raising a step child involves patience and give and take, not imprisonment and black magic fueled rage.

I guess we’ll never know.