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It’s A Living: The Best Jobs to Have in a Movie! (Part One)

Let’s be honest here. Movie characters are way better than us.

They’re better looking, in better shape, and seem to attract equally attractive and fit people as their love interests. Plus they have great hair. Thick, luxurious beautiful hair..

Oh. I’m not referring to you, dear reader. I like your hair. Never change it.

Movie characters also have great jobs we regular folks don’t have or could never hope to have. I mean, if some guy was looking for globetrotting secret agent at my college job fair, I would have signed up immediately, even though I don’t like to travel and I can’t keep a secret.

Just ask my brother the bed wetter.

Without further adieu, here are some great jobs to have in movies.

still-of-patrick-swayze-in-road-house-large-picture-2Occupation: Bouncer

As Seen In: Road House, Road House 2 (Yes, they made a sequel to Road House)

Pros: Those pretzels on the bar? Take as many as you want!

Cons: Is murdering drunk guys a bad thing?

The Deal: Being a bar bouncer combines two things that people love more than anything in the world: Hanging around in dive bars, and beating the crap out of someone. You go to a bar to have fun, not to get hassled by some overserved frat guys who use the word bro waaaaay too much. A bouncer can mean the difference between a fun night of karaoke with your work chums or a trip to the emergency room with a shot glass lodged in your right nostril. A good bouncer should also possess good diplomacy skills, the ability to smash kneecaps when necessary, and maybe bus tables when it gets really busy during happy hour.

Job Security? Pretty darn good. Drunken a-holes are everywhere!

bond-2Occupation: Secret Agent/Spy

As Seen In: The James Bond franchise.

Pros: Whenever you save the world, a famous recording artist writes and performs a special theme song just for you!

Cons: Every non friendly nation wants you dead, jet lag.

The Deal: Before Jason Bourne came along and ruined things with his “They stole my memories” whining, being a globetrotting secret agent was glamourous and exciting. Fancy cars, beautiful women, playing baccarat and sipping martinis in Monte Carlo because that was somehow crucial to your mission. Sure, from time to time you may have to battle a gigantic henchman with metal teeth at some mountain fortress, but who cares? Your car can turn into a submarine and your Rolex shoots laser beams. LASER. BEAMS.

Job Security? If crazy billionaire megalomaniacs keep building death rays, you got a job.

transporter3_03-2Occupation: Transporter

As Seen in: The Transporter movies.

Pros: You always get to pick the radio station.

Cons: Criminal clients always double cross you, butt gets numb from all that sitting in the car.

The Deal: Do you like being your own boss? Got a thing for fast cars? Do you own a pair of driving gloves? Then maybe a Transporter is the perfect job for you! Okay, your clients are criminals and you’re probably breaking a crapload of laws every time you get behind the wheel, but you were never a play by the rules person anyway. A good transporter must have extensive martial arts and weapons training because – and I hate to keep bringing this up – your clients are criminals will more than likely try to kill you or even worse – not pay you!

Job Security? Heck yeah! Just don’t drive too fast and don’t look at what you’re transporting.

Why?

Your. Clients. Are. Criminals.

fast-and-furious-7-2Occupation: Whatever the cast does in the Fast and the Furious movies.

As Seen In: The Fast and the Furious franchise.

Pros: Like the smell of burning rubber? Who doesn’t?

Cons: Illegal street racing is illegal, having Vin Diesel for a boss.

The Deal: Truth be told, I have not seen any of the Fast and Furious films so I’m not really sure what it is the motley crew of car enthusiasts featured in the movie do. I believe they are street racers who steal things and occasionally work for the government using said street racing skills. They are often called upon to do impossible things because in the world of action films only  Vin Diesel and a tricked out Dodge Charger can accomplish more on a good day than a squad of Navy SEALS can. I know in one movie Vin and his team parachuted with their cars out of the back of a cargo plane, so that’s pretty cool.  Most of us have to use a boring old normal plane when we go on a business trip.  I bet the Fast and Furious crew doesn’t have to save their lunch receipts!

Job Security? As long as the CIA is so busy that they have to subcontract their missions out to a bunch of adrenalin junkies in drift cars, you’re good!

Pedal to the metal my friend!

Part two of It’s A Living: Best Jobs to Have in a Movie coming soon!

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What Color is the Skyfall in your World?

Skyfall-JamesBond_2377965b

SKYFALL (2012) Director: Sam Mendes Starring: Daniel Craig, Javier Bardem, Ralph Fiennes, Judy Dench Rating: PG-13 for gunplay and explosions and martinis being shaken. 

Unless you’ve been under a rock and headless for the last fifty years, you’ve probably heard of James Bond. Created by author Ian Fleming, agent 007  has appeared in novels, radio dramas, video games, not to mention the longest running movie franchise in the history of ever, and has been thwarting super villains and bedding femme fatales since before Jason Bourne was playing with his Hot Wheels.

James Bond has been portrayed by several actors over the last half century; Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Remington Steele to name a few. Daniel Craig is the current Bond, and the three Bond films he’s headlined are an awesome mix of globe trotting adventure and good ol fashioned ass kicking. The last Bond adventure Skyfall came out last year and made over a billion dollars worldwide, which means James Bond is now as rich as the evil geniuses he does battle with every movie. He should buy a hollowed out mountain fortress!  Always a good investment.

As Skyfall opens, Bond is chasing an assassin who has stolen a list of secret agents and all the secret things they’re doing at that moment (which is something that should be carried around in some dumbass’s laptop), and in usual Bond fashion the chase devolves into mayhem and destruction as motorcycles, trains, and construction equipment wreck most of Istanbul. Bond is wounded, falls off a bridge and is presumed dead by the MI6. But before MI6 headmistress M (Judi Dench) can put up a help wanted sign in the window, the window (and a good chunk of MI6 headquarters) is destroyed by a bomb. Someone is targeting M and the other secret agent men!

Oh, if only James Bond were still alive to track down the culprit!

Oh wait, he still is.

Turns out Bond was just laying low and pretending to be deceased. When he hears about the attempt on M’s life, Bond decides that hanging out on a beach drinking and having casual sex is not the a good retirement plan and springs back into action!

Bond finds out the assassin who eluded him earlier in the movie is working for a strange blonde guy named Raoul Silva (Javier Bardem in a strange blonde wig), a cyber terrorist with a major league bone to pick with M.

Maybe M never gave Silva the positive reinforcement he craved when he was a top agent at MI6; like a little chuck on the shoulder and an “atta boy Silva” after finishing a really important mission or a positive performance review in his personnel folder – these things can make a difference between a good employee who works hard and is respected around the office and an unhinged megalomaniac who steals lunches from the breakroom fridge and tries to take over the world.

Happens all the time.

Skyfall  deftly moves from one action sequence to another as Bond chases Silva in, around, and under London, trying to thwart his cunning plan to take out M. When Bond realizes Silva is really crazy and really well armed, he takes M to hide out at his family’s ancestral home Scotland where he sets a trap for Silva and his soldiers that involves improvised booby traps and a pissed off Albert Finney. Can Bond save his boss and keep the world safe from the deranged cyber terrorist who refuses to let go of the past and live in the now?

Spoiler alert! Bond. James Bond. That means yes.

I give mega props to the folks behind Skyfall for doing away with the usual Bond movie cliches like an overly complex plot that usually has to do with a mysterious evil organization led by a bald guy in a Nehru jacket and giving me what I really like in a Bond movie – James Bond chasing, then beating the crap out of bad guys.

Less talking, more punching. It’s a philosophy that I’ve lived by since I watched A Room with a View back in ’85. It’s made me the man I am today.