Hey kids, It’s Tom, your DVD Critics Corner bud.
As you know, it’s almost Halloween. Since this is a movie blog, WordPress rules state I must write a post about horror movies.
It’s true. It’s in that list of terms thing you didn’t read when you joined this blogging site. Look it up.
Anyhoo, Horror films have spawned some of the most iconic characters in movie history. But for every Freddy Kruger and Michael Myers, there are characters that are horrifying if your definition of horrifying is sad, pitiful, and friggin awful.
Here are some horror movie characters I would gladly feed a knuckle sandwich with a side of another knuckle sandwich, followed by a dessert tray loaded with (you guessed it) knuckle sandwiches. It’s a very limited menu.
JACK FROST, the killer snowman from JACK FROST (1997) and JACK FROST 2 (2000)
Snowmen are supposed to be jolly, happy souls. They dance and partake in spirited hi-jinks because that’s what the classic Christmas tune “Frosty the Snowman” says! Nowhere in the song does the snowmen kill the townspeople in horrible and gruesome ways! Shame on you Jack Frost for breaking all of the snowman rules. Turn in our corncob pipe and eyes made out of coal.
HORNY THE CLOWN from DRIVE THRU (2007)
Look, clowns are scary enough being..well, clowns. So they don’t need someone like Horny, a homicidal clown who disembowels annoying teenagers in the generic horror movie Drive Thru making them look even worse! Send in the clowns? I don’t think so!
PAMELA VOORHEES from FRIDAY THE 13TH (1980)
Okay, I’ll say it. Pam, you are a bad Mom.
THE GINGERDEAD MAN from GINGERDEAD MAN 1, 2, and 3.
That’s right, the protagonist of this film is a killer cookie. Oh wait, did I say film? I meant films because they made three of these Gingerdead Man movies. THREE! The can’t get a Justice League movie franchise off the ground, but they’re cranking out Gingerdead Man sequels like there’s no friggin tomorrow! So. Many. Punches.
THE MANGLER from The Mangler (1995)
A killer shirt folding machine. I see.
Hey, does anyone have Stephen King’s e-mail address? Also, can you punch someone in the face via e-mail?
HAPPY HALLOWEEN from DVD Critic’s Corner!
I love Christmas.
Since most of you in the WordPress community don’t know me personally, and have never seen me celebrate Christmas, you’ll just have to take my word for it.
I love Christmas.
I love decorating the tree, giving and receiving gifts, and enjoying the warm feeling the festivities of the season brings to my heart. And of course nothing puts me in the Christmas spirit like a good Christmas movie!
Dozens and dozens of movies have been made about Christmas over the years; some are timeless classics, and some are… well, some are just awful. They don’t make me want to deck the halls, they make me want to deck someone. I know that’s not in keeping with the Christmas spirit, but you brought this on yourself, awful Christmas movie.
Here are some Christmas movies I would like to kiss under the mistletoe with my fist.
Frosty Returns (1995)
Okay, Frosty Returns isn’t a feature length movie, but it is shown annually this time of year, and I hate it. Not only is it a charmless followup to the 1969 classic Frosty The Snowman, it’s played up as the sequel to that Rankin/Bass holiday favorite, when everyone knows Frosty’s Winter Wonderland (1976) is considered by most Christmas special aficionados to be the official sequel. And for some reason Jonathan Winters plays a man who is as big as a snowflake. Fa la la la la, la la la lame.
Every modern retelling of A Christmas Carol that is not Scrooged (1988)
We all know the story. A jerky miser is visited by spirits and learns the true meaning of Christmas. Over the years Hollywood has tried to remake A Christmas Carol with a modern twist, and they got it right once with Scrooge starring the incomparable Bill Murray. Then the TV networks made more remakes of the Dickens classic because cable channels need to fill up program space and they secretly hate us. I’ve noticed many of these remakes feature a female Scrooge:
A Carol Christmas (2003) A bitchy talk show host (Tori Spelling) is visited by spirits and learns the true meaning of Christmas.
A Divas Christmas Carol (2000) A bitchy pop star (Vanessa Williams)is visited by spirits and learns the true meaning of Christmas.
Ebbie (1995) A bitchy department store owner (Susan Lucci) is visited by spirits and learns the true meaning of Christmas.
None of these movies feature Bill Murray learning the true meaning of Christmas, so they suck. Granted, A Carol Christmas has the truly awesome William Shatner, so it doesn’t suck as much as the others. But it stars Tori Spelling. And we’re back to suck.
Santa Baby (2006) and Santa Baby 2 (2009)
I can think of two reasons why Jenny McCarthy became famous. And these movies are not them. Plus, these movies borrow their title from Santa Baby, a 1953 Christmas song that makes me very uncomfortable. I don’t want to talk about it.
Jack Frost (1998)
Many Christmas movies have a similar theme; through the magic of the holidays a ne’er do well learns what’s really important in life and reconnects with the ones he/she has wronged. Struggling musician Jack Frost (Michael Keaton) never has time for his wife and kid, then one snowy Christmas Eve he perishes in a car accident and is reincarnated as:
A FRIGHTENING ABOMINATION FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL ITSELF!
Seriously? A dead man’s spirit possessing a freakish CGI snowman? You know what else really gets me into the holiday spirit – reading aloud obituaries on Christmas morning as my loved ones are opening their presents! How depressing.
And speaking of depressing:
Aaaaaand, I’m done with this. If anyone needs me, I’ll be having a good long cry in the bathtub.
Merry Christmas from DVD Critics Corner!