Hey kids, It’s Tom, your DVD Critics Corner bud.
As you know, it’s almost Halloween. Since this is a movie blog, WordPress rules state I must write a post about horror movies.
It’s true. It’s in that list of terms thing you didn’t read when you joined this blogging site. Look it up.
Anyhoo, Horror films have spawned some of the most iconic characters in movie history. But for every Freddy Kruger and Michael Myers, there are characters that are horrifying if your definition of horrifying is sad, pitiful, and friggin awful.
Here are some horror movie characters I would gladly feed a knuckle sandwich with a side of another knuckle sandwich, followed by a dessert tray loaded with (you guessed it) knuckle sandwiches. It’s a very limited menu.
JACK FROST, the killer snowman from JACK FROST (1997) and JACK FROST 2 (2000)
Snowmen are supposed to be jolly, happy souls. They dance and partake in spirited hi-jinks because that’s what the classic Christmas tune “Frosty the Snowman” says! Nowhere in the song does the snowmen kill the townspeople in horrible and gruesome ways! Shame on you Jack Frost for breaking all of the snowman rules. Turn in our corncob pipe and eyes made out of coal.
HORNY THE CLOWN from DRIVE THRU (2007)
Look, clowns are scary enough being..well, clowns. So they don’t need someone like Horny, a homicidal clown who disembowels annoying teenagers in the generic horror movie Drive Thru making them look even worse! Send in the clowns? I don’t think so!
PAMELA VOORHEES from FRIDAY THE 13TH (1980)
Okay, I’ll say it. Pam, you are a bad Mom.
THE GINGERDEAD MAN from GINGERDEAD MAN 1, 2, and 3.
That’s right, the protagonist of this film is a killer cookie. Oh wait, did I say film? I meant films because they made three of these Gingerdead Man movies. THREE! The can’t get a Justice League movie franchise off the ground, but they’re cranking out Gingerdead Man sequels like there’s no friggin tomorrow! So. Many. Punches.
THE MANGLER from The Mangler (1995)
A killer shirt folding machine. I see.
Hey, does anyone have Stephen King’s e-mail address? Also, can you punch someone in the face via e-mail?
HAPPY HALLOWEEN from DVD Critic’s Corner!
Hey everyone! It’s Tom, your DVD Critics Corner pal. You’re looking well. Is that a new shirt? Fantastic.
Well, it’s Halloween. And if you’re like me, you’re stuffed to the gills with fun size snickers and watching countless horror movies on TV, and boy there are a lot of them!
But let’s face it, you watch a marathon of gory horror movies, and after a while they all start to look the same: some idiots are attacked by a knife wielding maniac, blood spurts, body parts fly, yadda yadda yadda, killer lives for the sequel, roll closing credits.
So how would you be able to distinguish any old horror film from the work of say rocker turned horror director Rob Zombie? Rob has a distinct style he’s used to very well in such films as House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil’s Rejects, and two Halloweens.
Answer these questions and find out if you are watching a Rob Zombie movie!
1. Is the movie full of sadistic, repulsive, white trash male characters played by scary looking actors who look like they might have killed someone in real life?
2. Are the young female characters:
C) Having sex or preoccupied with having sex?
D) All of the above?
3. Is everyone dressed like its 1977 even though the movie is set in the present?
4. Does Sherry Moon Zombie (AKA Mrs. Rob Zombie) have a starring role in the film, even though her character died in the previous movie?
5. Does at least one character drive a van, complete with shag carpet and a bitchin mural painted on the side?
6. Are the young characters listening to Lynard Skynard, Blue Oyster Cult or some other band no teenager has listened to in over 30 years?
7. Is Michael Myers as big as Optimus Prime?
8. Is the film’s style a homage to the gritty low budget “grindhouse” movies that only Rob Zombie, Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarrantino know about and have watched?
If you answered “yes” to one or more of the above questions, you are watching a Rob Zombie horror movie.
Happy Halloween from DVD Critics Corner!