Hey kids, It’s Tom, your DVD Critics Corner bud.
As you know, it’s almost Halloween. Since this is a movie blog, WordPress rules state I must write a post about horror movies.
It’s true. It’s in that list of terms thing you didn’t read when you joined this blogging site. Look it up.
Anyhoo, Horror films have spawned some of the most iconic characters in movie history. But for every Freddy Kruger and Michael Myers, there are characters that are horrifying if your definition of horrifying is sad, pitiful, and friggin awful.
Here are some horror movie characters I would gladly feed a knuckle sandwich with a side of another knuckle sandwich, followed by a dessert tray loaded with (you guessed it) knuckle sandwiches. It’s a very limited menu.
JACK FROST, the killer snowman from JACK FROST (1997) and JACK FROST 2 (2000)
Snowmen are supposed to be jolly, happy souls. They dance and partake in spirited hi-jinks because that’s what the classic Christmas tune “Frosty the Snowman” says! Nowhere in the song does the snowmen kill the townspeople in horrible and gruesome ways! Shame on you Jack Frost for breaking all of the snowman rules. Turn in our corncob pipe and eyes made out of coal.
HORNY THE CLOWN from DRIVE THRU (2007)
Look, clowns are scary enough being..well, clowns. So they don’t need someone like Horny, a homicidal clown who disembowels annoying teenagers in the generic horror movie Drive Thru making them look even worse! Send in the clowns? I don’t think so!
PAMELA VOORHEES from FRIDAY THE 13TH (1980)
Okay, I’ll say it. Pam, you are a bad Mom.
THE GINGERDEAD MAN from GINGERDEAD MAN 1, 2, and 3.
That’s right, the protagonist of this film is a killer cookie. Oh wait, did I say film? I meant films because they made three of these Gingerdead Man movies. THREE! The can’t get a Justice League movie franchise off the ground, but they’re cranking out Gingerdead Man sequels like there’s no friggin tomorrow! So. Many. Punches.
THE MANGLER from The Mangler (1995)
A killer shirt folding machine. I see.
Hey, does anyone have Stephen King’s e-mail address? Also, can you punch someone in the face via e-mail?
HAPPY HALLOWEEN from DVD Critic’s Corner!