Hey everyone. Tom here, your DVD Critics Corner compadre. Please, remain seated.
Summer is almost upon us. I know this because My left knee throbs when summer is coming. My right knee throbs when there is cake nearby.
That, I don’t understand. But I do like cake.
Anyhoo, Summer means a great big load of blockbuster movies will be dumped on us between now and September, some will have superheroes, others will have bloodthirsty space aliens, and at least one will have the undeniable stench of Michael Bay.
I’ve been doing a lot of research on the big movies about to hit the multiplexes; reading all the movie websites and blogs, combing over ever trailer frame by frame, and picking the brains of my private nerd council (aka my friends) to bring you the very first DVD Critics Corner Summer Movie Preview and Spoiler Alert Special!
Let’s get started, shall we?
Please Note: My “spoilers” are for entertainment purposes only. They will not give away any important plot points. Would I do that to you?
Movie: Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice
Release Date: March 25
Synopsis: With Metropolis in ruins, people are concerned that Superman (Henry Cavill) may not be the hero the world needs. Batman (Ben Affleck) thinks the Man of Steel needs to answer for his crimes. Let the battle begin!
Spoiler Alert! – After a long fight, Batman and Superman put aside their differences and team up with Wonder Woman for an important mission that if successful will save humanity as we know it – preventing the Baywatch movie from being made!
Movie: The Jungle Book
Release Date: April 15
Synopsis: A live action version of the Disney animated classic about a boy living in the jungle with his animal pals.
Spoiler Alert! – All the animals are real. The kid is CGI.
Movie: Captain America – Civil War
Release Date: May 6
Synopsis: Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr) and Captain America (Chris Evans) find themselves on opposing sides when the government wants to reign in The Avengers.
Spoiler Alert! – In the post credits flashback sequence, The Hulk bursts into tears when he’s told he won’t be in the movie.
Movie: The Angry Birds Movie
Release Date: May 20
Synopsis: The birds must defend their home against the evil pigs!
Spoiler Alert! – Ten minutes into the movie you will realize how many hours you wasted playing Angry Birds on your phone. It was a lot, wasn’t it?
Movie: X Men – Apocalypse
Release Date: May 27
Synopsis: The X Men must join together to defeat super mutant Apocalypse before he destroys the world.
Spoiler Alert! – Halfway through the movie, Mystique remembers that she’s Academy Award winning actress Jennifer freakin Lawrence and walks off the set.
Movie: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows
Release Date: June 3
Synopsis: The Turtles are back, and are facing a new enemy!
Spoiler Alert! – One of the Turtles screams Cowabunga! and a piece of you dies inside.
Movie: Independence Day – Resurgence
Release Date: June 24
Synopsis: Earth once again faces a huge invasion from outer space!
Spoiler Alert! – Will Smith is not in this movie. But good news – Jeff Goldblum is! So that’s kind of good I guess…
Release Date: July 15
Synopsis: An all new all women team fights ghosts in this remake/reboot!
Spoiler Alert! – In mid July the internet will collapse from all the angry comments from disgruntled Ghostbusters fans who don’t want any stupid ol’ girls in their Ghostbusters movies!
Movie: Star Trek Beyond
Release Date: July 22
Synopsis: The Enterprise crew is back for another adventure!
Spoiler Alert! – Since Simon Pegg (who plays Scotty) wrote the script for this one, Scotty will be called upon to save the day when big doofus Captain Kirk (Chris Pine) puts the crew in danger. AGAIN! And Scotty totally scores with Uhuru.
Movie: Jason Bourne
Release Date: July 29
Synopsis: Former superspy Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) is still on the run from – wait? is he still on the run? I thought he cleared his name in the last movie.. Or did he? You know what? I don’t care any more.
Spoiler Alert! – Someone playing a CIA official will shout “Find Jason Bourne,” every 12 minutes. Extra Spoiler Alert! – They won’t find him.
Movie: Suicide Squad
Release Date: August 5
Synopsis: The world’s most dangerous villains are recruited by the government for secret missions.
Spoiler Alert! – The internet will collapse again as disgruntled fans worldwide take to the comments section to whine about how Heath Ledger was a way better Joker than Jared Leto. By then I will have stopped giving a flying crap about anything and will curl up into a ball and weep until the Fall.
ENJOY THE BLOCKBUSTERS!!
Okay show of hands, who loves movies based on comic books?
If you raised your hand, I thank you for playing along. You are a mensch.
If you didn’t, that’s okay. I guess you’re too cool to humor an old man who has so little in life. Who also may be coming down with a cold. I hope you’re happy.
Anyway, in a few days another installment of one of the greatest comic book movie franchises ever: Iron Man 3 will hit the multiplexes. Throw in a brand new Superman movie (Man Of Steel) and another movie starring everyone’s favorite X Man Wolverine (The Wolverine) and the summer of 2013 is chock full of exciting superhero films that will make hardcore fans and casual movie goers across the world jump for joy.
But as we all know, in the world of movies, they all can’t be gems. For every blockbuster, there’s a box office bomb. For every hit, there is a dud. For every Dark Knight, there is a Ghost Rider. And a Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance. What I’m trying to say, is the Ghost Rider movies sucked on toast. But they are (sadly) not alone. There have been many cringe worthy comic book films over the last few decades, movies that I would gladly give a sock to the chops if they were standing right in front of me and had a face I could sock. Let’s take a look at a few of these sockable films:
On paper, Catwoman had three things any red blooded comic book fan would want in a movie: 1) Halle Berry. 2) Halle Berry dressed like a Pussycat Doll. And 3) Halle Berry dressed like a Pussycat Doll and carrying a whip. But amazingly those things couldn’t prevent this movie from dropping the ball of string big time. Not even Sharon Stone’s triumphant return from oblivion to play the diabolical villainess Laurel Hedare could save this turkey. Good thing Miss Berry still had her Storm costume in the closet.
“My city screams,” the masked crime fighter known as The Spirit says at the beginning of the film. I know how the city feels. I started screaming about ten minutes into this movie and didn’t stop until the DVD was ripped from the DVD player and crushed onto a fine powder thanks to dozens of blows from a ball peen hammer. Awful, awful movie. You know what? Two punches in the face for The Spirit! My blog, my rules.
CAPTAIN AMERICA (1990)
Think Captain America’s first big screen appearance was the 2011 blockbuster Captain America: The First Avenger? WRONG!!! Sorry, I’m still a bit angry about The Spirit. Jeez, what a terrible movie. Anyway, Cap’s first big screen adventure was way back in 1990, when Captain America barely hit the theaters. See, a few decades ago the movie rights to a lot of superhero characters were pretty much up for grabs to anyone who felt like making a comic book movie, so the guys behind the Cannon movie empire produced this low budget cheapfest. How cheap was it? It was filmed in Yugoslavia! Cap’s headpiece featured plastic ears! It was filmed in Yugoslavia! Comic book fans should have known not to expect a lot from a movie prodced by the guy who brought you the break dancing sagas Breakin’ and Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo.
JONAH HEX (2010)
Jonah Hex is basically Ghost Rider with horses, which means this movie also sucks on toast, but with horses. This supernatural western dud co-stars former Transformers hottie Megan Fox, who has had so much plastic surgery she’s starting to look like Kira the Gelfling from The Dark Crystal:
Ben Affleck in a red leather gimp suit. Ew.
Once again DVD Critics Corner brings you important updates from the world of movies!
Sony Greenlights Another Spider-Man Reboot
“People are crazy about the new Spider-Man movie, and we couldn’t be more proud, but it’s time to shake things up,” a representative for Sony Pictures stated over the weekend at the San Diego Comicon. “After one movie, it’s time breathe some new life into the franchise.”
While The Amazing Spider-Man was a hit with hardcore fans who consider the film a respectable update of the previous Spider-Man movies starring Tobey Maguire, sources close to the studio say a script is in the works that will once again tell the story of mild mannered student Peter Parker and how he became the wall crawling crime fighter everyone knows and loves.
Sony executives were overheard saying how anxious they are to “retell the origin story once again, with a new cast and a new director with a fresh vision of the famous webslinger, a vision that’s even fresher than the Spider-Man movie still playing in theaters.”
Pre-production of the new Spider-Man reboot is expected to begin this fall, with a tentative release scheduled for July of 2014. Sony execs are predicting this second new Spider-Man movie will be a major success, and are hoping to reboot the series again in 2016.
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