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It’s A Living: The Best Jobs to Have in a Movie! (Part One)

Let’s be honest here. Movie characters are way better than us.

They’re better looking, in better shape, and seem to attract equally attractive and fit people as their love interests. Plus they have great hair. Thick, luxurious beautiful hair..

Oh. I’m not referring to you, dear reader. I like your hair. Never change it.

Movie characters also have great jobs we regular folks don’t have or could never hope to have. I mean, if some guy was looking for globetrotting secret agent at my college job fair, I would have signed up immediately, even though I don’t like to travel and I can’t keep a secret.

Just ask my brother the bed wetter.

Without further adieu, here are some great jobs to have in movies.

still-of-patrick-swayze-in-road-house-large-picture-2Occupation: Bouncer

As Seen In: Road House, Road House 2 (Yes, they made a sequel to Road House)

Pros: Those pretzels on the bar? Take as many as you want!

Cons: Is murdering drunk guys a bad thing?

The Deal: Being a bar bouncer combines two things that people love more than anything in the world: Hanging around in dive bars, and beating the crap out of someone. You go to a bar to have fun, not to get hassled by some overserved frat guys who use the word bro waaaaay too much. A bouncer can mean the difference between a fun night of karaoke with your work chums or a trip to the emergency room with a shot glass lodged in your right nostril. A good bouncer should also possess good diplomacy skills, the ability to smash kneecaps when necessary, and maybe bus tables when it gets really busy during happy hour.

Job Security? Pretty darn good. Drunken a-holes are everywhere!

bond-2Occupation: Secret Agent/Spy

As Seen In: The James Bond franchise.

Pros: Whenever you save the world, a famous recording artist writes and performs a special theme song just for you!

Cons: Every non friendly nation wants you dead, jet lag.

The Deal: Before Jason Bourne came along and ruined things with his “They stole my memories” whining, being a globetrotting secret agent was glamourous and exciting. Fancy cars, beautiful women, playing baccarat and sipping martinis in Monte Carlo because that was somehow crucial to your mission. Sure, from time to time you may have to battle a gigantic henchman with metal teeth at some mountain fortress, but who cares? Your car can turn into a submarine and your Rolex shoots laser beams. LASER. BEAMS.

Job Security? If crazy billionaire megalomaniacs keep building death rays, you got a job.

transporter3_03-2Occupation: Transporter

As Seen in: The Transporter movies.

Pros: You always get to pick the radio station.

Cons: Criminal clients always double cross you, butt gets numb from all that sitting in the car.

The Deal: Do you like being your own boss? Got a thing for fast cars? Do you own a pair of driving gloves? Then maybe a Transporter is the perfect job for you! Okay, your clients are criminals and you’re probably breaking a crapload of laws every time you get behind the wheel, but you were never a play by the rules person anyway. A good transporter must have extensive martial arts and weapons training because – and I hate to keep bringing this up – your clients are criminals will more than likely try to kill you or even worse – not pay you!

Job Security? Heck yeah! Just don’t drive too fast and don’t look at what you’re transporting.

Why?

Your. Clients. Are. Criminals.

fast-and-furious-7-2Occupation: Whatever the cast does in the Fast and the Furious movies.

As Seen In: The Fast and the Furious franchise.

Pros: Like the smell of burning rubber? Who doesn’t?

Cons: Illegal street racing is illegal, having Vin Diesel for a boss.

The Deal: Truth be told, I have not seen any of the Fast and Furious films so I’m not really sure what it is the motley crew of car enthusiasts featured in the movie do. I believe they are street racers who steal things and occasionally work for the government using said street racing skills. They are often called upon to do impossible things because in the world of action films only  Vin Diesel and a tricked out Dodge Charger can accomplish more on a good day than a squad of Navy SEALS can. I know in one movie Vin and his team parachuted with their cars out of the back of a cargo plane, so that’s pretty cool.  Most of us have to use a boring old normal plane when we go on a business trip.  I bet the Fast and Furious crew doesn’t have to save their lunch receipts!

Job Security? As long as the CIA is so busy that they have to subcontract their missions out to a bunch of adrenalin junkies in drift cars, you’re good!

Pedal to the metal my friend!

Part two of It’s A Living: Best Jobs to Have in a Movie coming soon!

This Was In My Netflix Instant Queue – Super Hybrid!

This month DVD Critics Corner shines the spotlight on movies that you may not have heard of. Cinematic gems that never made it to a theater near you. Films that have somehow slipped through the cracks, only to wind up in the mysterious phantom zone that is the instant queue of our Netflix account.

SUPER-HYBRID-dvd-flat-2

Title: SUPER HYBRID (2010)

Director: Eric Valette

Cast: Oded Fehr, Shannon Beckner, Ryan Kennedy, Adrien Dorval, Melanie Papalia

Genres: Horror Movies, Sci Fi & Fantasy, Monster Movies, Supernatural Horror Movies, Sci-Fi Horror Movies, Sci-Fi Thrillers

This Movie is (according to Netflix): Dark

Rating: PG-13 for some mild scares and sci-fi gore.

Netflix Synopsis:  When a mysterious car rolls onto the premises at a police impound garage in Chicago, the unsuspecting mechanics — who are used to seeing some pretty hot wheels — come face-to-face with a killer specimen.

 The Dealy: A while back DVD Critics Corner! devoted a blog post to some of the greatest evil cars in movie history, which you can read by clicking here.

Go ahead and read it. I’ll wait.

Are you back yet? Good. Wasn’t that insightful as well as entertaining? Not to toot my own horn, but I’m quite proud of that post myself.

Anyway, evil car movies are awesome because evil cars are awesome. They crash into things, crush stuff under their malevolent wheels, and despite their giant size and loudness have the amazing ability to pounce on dimwitted victims with ninja like stealth and expertise.

I mean lets face it, if you’re dumb enough to let a 3,600 pound bright red Plymouth sneak up on you, you don’t deserve to make it to the end of the movie.

So needless to say I was thrilled to discover a new evil car movie while I was cruising the Netflix listings: Super Hybrid. Granted, this straight to DVD flick is no Christine or The Car, or even Herbie Goes Bananas, but it does have a very evil car with some very unique powers and a mean streak a mile wide.

Speaking of evil cars, did I ever tell you about the time in high school my Datsun 210 ate my new Van Halen cassette? That car hated Van Halen.

As Super Hybrid opens, we are introduced to the title character, a mean looking black Chevy Nova that prowls the streets of Chicago looking for victims. The evil car doesn’t simply mow people down, it devours them when they get inside.  And how does it attract victims? By changing into more desirable vehicles, like a slick new Corvette! So the evil car is a shapeshifter, a creature that constantly changes its physical appearance to lure its victims closer so it can eat them, much like the Mimic Octopus or Madonna.

Unfortunately, even diabolical people eating cars must obey the rules of the road, and the super bad Chevy is banged up in a traffic accident. It’s towed to a multi level impound facility that’s about to be shut down for massive renovations, because big cities like Chicago have millions of dollars laying around to spruce up their shitty Police garages.

As the skeleton crew assembles for the night shift, they soon discover the strange black car that was brought in earlier is not like the other wrecked police cruisers and impounded sedans parked in the dark garage. And when the evil auto starts picking everyone off while morphing into different cars and trucks at will, Tilda (Shannon Beckner), Bobby (Ryan Kennedy), and their dick boss Ray (Oded Fehr) must figure out how to defeat the killer Chevy before it devours everyone in Chicago, much the same way the Cubs have devoured the hopes and dreams of baseball fans for over a century.

Sorry, Cubs fans. Your team is not good.

 Super Hybrid is a decent addition to the evil car horror movie genre, and the sci-fi inspired twist behind the car’s shape shifting abilities is pretty darn clever for a low budget direct-to-DVD film. So if you like your classic cars tricked out, souped up, and homicidal, feel free to add Super Hybrid to your Netflix queue.

And never get into strange cars no matter how awesome they look.

Yes, even if they offer you candy.

Or money.

My God, how were you able to survive this long?

Possessed, You Say?

In this continuing series, DVD Critics Corner profiles the many people and things that have been possessed by an evil force in the movies.

Part One – Vehicles

A somewhat famous British man once sang: “Here in my car,  I feel safest of all. I can lock all my doors, it’s the only way to live.” I’m not so sure how safe you’d feel if you were anywhere near the following cars that appear to be powered by more than gasoline. Lets take a look at some killer vehicles from some cinema classics.

Christine

Make/Model: 1958 Plymouth Fury

As Seen In: Christine (1983)

Possessed by: Something that really likes nerds

Cars are like women. You go easy on the upholstery and take them out once in a while, and you’ll be enjoying the ride for years. And like women, cars will violently murder anyone who crosses her and her man.  Unfortunately, Arnie (Keith Gordon) learns the hard way that relationships, especially ones with demonically possessed homicidal cars, require boundaries.  And Turtle Wax.

The Car

Make/Model: Heavily customized 1971 Lincoln Continental Mark III

As Seen In: The Car (1977)

Possessed by:  Demon that hates cyclists

In the opening scene the title character, a monstrous black sedan with double chrome bumpers and a loud truck horn mows down a couple of cyclists out for a ride along a rural canyon road. Now don’t get me wrong, murder is very bad, but sometimes those cyclists can be really annoying with their $8,000 bikes and jerseys with logos we don’t recognize. And they’re always talking about how incredibly fit they are. Who cares what your resting heart-rate is! Did you know they’re the ones who drink Michelob Ultra? Yes, it’s their fault that product exists.  I’m not saying the evil death car in the movie was right. But it’s not very wrong either.

The Wraithmobile

Make/Model: Dodge M4S Concept Car

As Seen In: The Wraith (1987)

Possessed by: Very mean space aliens

Judging by the slick armored suit he wears and the high tech supercar he drives, the Wraith’s quest for vengeance in the Arizona desert wasn’t forged in the fiery pits of Hell.  My guess is the protagonist Jake was revived by aliens whose sole mission to earth was to help some poor bastard exact bloody revenge on those who have wronged him. Instead of “we come to this planet on a mission of peace earthlings” he got “Hey dude we found your dead body in the desert, how can we help you F those guys up?”  I like that. We need more cool space aliens around here. I’m talking to you, floating glowing wussy aliens from Cocoon. 

Happy Toyz Co. Tractor Trailer

Make/Model: White Western Star 4800 Truck

As Seen In: Maximum Overdrive (1986)

Possessed By:  Cocaine. Lots and lots of Cocaine.

WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHH! HUMANS, MAN, THEY’RE RUINING EVERYTHING!!!!! WE GOTTA RUN EM OVER MAN!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!! LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN MAN!!! CHOO CHOO!!! CHOO CHOO!!!

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

Make/Model: Custom built early 20th century European style touring car

As Seen In: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (1968)

Possessed by: Satan

For decades adults and children have delighted in the grand adventures of this magical motorcar and his human friends, first as a movie and later as a Broadway musical.  What’s not to love about Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? The shiny brass accents, the rich wood trim, the whimsical engine noises. The way he flies through the air and swims the sea… all thanks to the Dark Lord Satan himself. Yes, only the antichrist himself could have designed and built such a fanciful machine empowered with a sinister ability to bend the will of the humans to do its bidding. One shudders to think when Chitty and his unholy master will bring the end of days to the earth and all its inhabitants, but to those few who survive the all consuming fire, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang will truly be the envy of all he surveys.

Please note: The author of this article does not condone the murder of cyclists. He’s just jealous of them because he looks hideous in those bike shorts.