Hey everyone. Tom here, your DVD Critics Corner compadre. Please, remain seated.
Summer is almost upon us. I know this because My left knee throbs when summer is coming. My right knee throbs when there is cake nearby.
That, I don’t understand. But I do like cake.
Anyhoo, Summer means a great big load of blockbuster movies will be dumped on us between now and September, some will have superheroes, others will have bloodthirsty space aliens, and at least one will have the undeniable stench of Michael Bay.
I’ve been doing a lot of research on the big movies about to hit the multiplexes; reading all the movie websites and blogs, combing over ever trailer frame by frame, and picking the brains of my private nerd council (aka my friends) to bring you the very first DVD Critics Corner Summer Movie Preview and Spoiler Alert Special!
Let’s get started, shall we?
Please Note: My “spoilers” are for entertainment purposes only. They will not give away any important plot points. Would I do that to you?
Movie: Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice
Release Date: March 25
Synopsis: With Metropolis in ruins, people are concerned that Superman (Henry Cavill) may not be the hero the world needs. Batman (Ben Affleck) thinks the Man of Steel needs to answer for his crimes. Let the battle begin!
Spoiler Alert! – After a long fight, Batman and Superman put aside their differences and team up with Wonder Woman for an important mission that if successful will save humanity as we know it – preventing the Baywatch movie from being made!
Movie: The Jungle Book
Release Date: April 15
Synopsis: A live action version of the Disney animated classic about a boy living in the jungle with his animal pals.
Spoiler Alert! – All the animals are real. The kid is CGI.
Movie: Captain America – Civil War
Release Date: May 6
Synopsis: Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr) and Captain America (Chris Evans) find themselves on opposing sides when the government wants to reign in The Avengers.
Spoiler Alert! – In the post credits flashback sequence, The Hulk bursts into tears when he’s told he won’t be in the movie.
Movie: The Angry Birds Movie
Release Date: May 20
Synopsis: The birds must defend their home against the evil pigs!
Spoiler Alert! – Ten minutes into the movie you will realize how many hours you wasted playing Angry Birds on your phone. It was a lot, wasn’t it?
Movie: X Men – Apocalypse
Release Date: May 27
Synopsis: The X Men must join together to defeat super mutant Apocalypse before he destroys the world.
Spoiler Alert! – Halfway through the movie, Mystique remembers that she’s Academy Award winning actress Jennifer freakin Lawrence and walks off the set.
Movie: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows
Release Date: June 3
Synopsis: The Turtles are back, and are facing a new enemy!
Spoiler Alert! – One of the Turtles screams Cowabunga! and a piece of you dies inside.
Movie: Independence Day – Resurgence
Release Date: June 24
Synopsis: Earth once again faces a huge invasion from outer space!
Spoiler Alert! – Will Smith is not in this movie. But good news – Jeff Goldblum is! So that’s kind of good I guess…
Release Date: July 15
Synopsis: An all new all women team fights ghosts in this remake/reboot!
Spoiler Alert! – In mid July the internet will collapse from all the angry comments from disgruntled Ghostbusters fans who don’t want any stupid ol’ girls in their Ghostbusters movies!
Movie: Star Trek Beyond
Release Date: July 22
Synopsis: The Enterprise crew is back for another adventure!
Spoiler Alert! – Since Simon Pegg (who plays Scotty) wrote the script for this one, Scotty will be called upon to save the day when big doofus Captain Kirk (Chris Pine) puts the crew in danger. AGAIN! And Scotty totally scores with Uhuru.
Movie: Jason Bourne
Release Date: July 29
Synopsis: Former superspy Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) is still on the run from – wait? is he still on the run? I thought he cleared his name in the last movie.. Or did he? You know what? I don’t care any more.
Spoiler Alert! – Someone playing a CIA official will shout “Find Jason Bourne,” every 12 minutes. Extra Spoiler Alert! – They won’t find him.
Movie: Suicide Squad
Release Date: August 5
Synopsis: The world’s most dangerous villains are recruited by the government for secret missions.
Spoiler Alert! – The internet will collapse again as disgruntled fans worldwide take to the comments section to whine about how Heath Ledger was a way better Joker than Jared Leto. By then I will have stopped giving a flying crap about anything and will curl up into a ball and weep until the Fall.
ENJOY THE BLOCKBUSTERS!!
THE LEGO MOVIE (2014)
Directors: Phil Lord, Christopher Miller
Starring: Chris Pratt, Elizabeth Banks, Will Arnett, Morgan Freeman, and Will Ferrell
Synopsis: Everything is awesome.
Rating: PG for Lego type violence and brick on brick action.
Every once in a while, a movie comes along that shakes the very foundation of your being and rocks you to your very core.
The Lego Movie is such a movie.
What exactly makes The Lego Movie such an exceptional standout in a sea of lesser movies?
Is it the wonderful visuals? The funny voice work by a very funny cast? The perfect blending of story and humor with a thoughtful message about learning to put down the instruction manual from time to time and follow your own path?
Nope. it’s the Legos. Every movie should have Legos. And every movie that has been made would be better if it had Legos.
The Hunger Games? Decent movie. The Hunger Games with Legos? Super awesome!
Jaws? Great movie. Jaws with Legos? Boom.
R.I.P.D? You know what, let’s skip that one…
If you haven’t seen The Lego Movie yet, then for Heaven sake screw it together and buy a copy! I mean, here’s a brief synopsis lf this charming tale of fun and adventure:
In the all Lego universe, happy go lucky Emmet (Chris Pratt) happily goes about his life in the city of Bricksburg, getting up early, driving safely, and doing his construction job with a positive attitude and a smile on his face. One day Emmet catches the pretty and mysterious Wyldstyle (Elizabeth Banks) snooping around the construction site, and while chasing her discovers the mysterious Piece of Resistance, an object that has been prophesized to save the Lego universe.
Now Emmet the ordinary becomes Emmet “The Special,” the being destined to stop the evil Lord Business (Will Ferrell) who wants to used his Kragle superweapon to freeze everyone and everything in the universe.
I know what you’re thinking – is Emmet truly “The Special?” Well…maybe. Not quite. Sort of. Not really. But thankfully he has a team of Master Builders in his corner to help guide our goofy but lovable protagonist along to find his courage and train him to become The Special. They are the aforementioned Wyldestyle, the mysterious blind wizard Vitruvious (Morgan Freeman) who offers all kinds of wisdom and advice, and superhero extraordinaire Batman (Will Arnett) who offers no help whatsoever.
Emmet and his pals travel from one amazing Lego world to another, trying to stay one step ahead of Lord Business and his Super Secret Police which is lead by Bad Cop/Good Cop (Liam Neeson), a cop with personality issues. Can Emmet become a Master Builder and put an end to Lord Business’ plans to really mess up Taco Tuesday?
The Lego Movie is a glorious, enjoyable action fantasy with lots of humor and a heartwarming ending. If you watch this movie and aren’t charmed down to your shorts by this movie, we can no longer be friends. Seriously, I will un-friend you on the spot if you don’t love this movie. This is what it’s come down to. I am drawing a line in the sand here compadre.
But I wouldn’t worry. You’re going to love The Lego Movie, and we’re going to be friends for a long, long time. Can I crash at your place for a few weeks?
Well folks, 2012 is drawing to a close.
It’s been a wonderful year here at DVD Critics Corner, a year full of movies, and…stuff.
Remember when that thing happened? Wow. What fun that was, huh?
Okay, I’m not good at looking back nostalgically. What I am good at is making lists featuring movie characters I think are cool. Characters you would want on your side when the spit hits the spam; who will watch your back when the bad guys have you cornered. Characters who will avenge your death because you’re probably the weakest link in the supergroup you’ve assembled, and will probably buy it during battle.
Sorry. You’re just not a badass.
Anyhoo, here’s the last list of movie characters you want on your side for 2012. Pardon me while I wipe away a tear.
Occupation: Intergalactic smugglers, Princess Rescuers
As Seen In: The Star Wars movies, Episodes 4-6
Pros: Not afraid to shoot at Sith Lords. Cons: Chewie always wants off on Life Day.
The Deal: When restoring freedom to the galaxy, you need three things – some Jedi, two droids, and a couple of guys with a ship. And not just any ship mind you, we’re talking the Millennium Falcon, with 0.5 lightspeed capabilities, quad laser cannons, and a sweet holographic chess table in the lounge. And who pilots the fastest ship in the galaxy? Captain Han Solo. A man who sees an asteroid field and hits the “hell yeah” switch. And let’s not forget his right hand Wookie Chewbacca: ace co-pilot, master mechanic, and fur covered badass. I’m not saying Han and Chewie could overthrow the entire Galactic Empire by themselves, but they could overthrow the entire Galactic Empire by themselves.
Shining Moment: Not flushing Threepio out of an airlock while trying to avoid capture in The Empire Strikes Back. Threepio was one whiny robot.
Occupation: Caped Crusader
As Seen In: A bunch of movies with Batman and/or Dark Knight in the Title.
Pros: Unsurpassed detective skills, master of hand to hand combat, filthy rich. Cons: Bit of a loaner, always sounds like he has laryngitis.
The Deal: Nobody tops Batman when it comes to laying a beatdown on criminals. Why is Bats so awesome? Aside from having the sweetest costume in the Justice League (sorry Apache Chief), Batman has the coolest stuff in the biz. From grapple guns to the Batmobile, the man has it all the best gadgets. He’s like a Sharper Image catalog, minus the stupid air purifiers.
Shining Moment: Keeping Gotham City safe even when Joel Schumacher ran the movie franchise into the ground.
Occupation: Honorably Discharged U.S. Army Special Forces Soldier
As Seen In: First Blood, Rambo: First Blood Part II, Rambo III, Rambo
Pros: He kills. Period! Cons: He’s moody. Period!
The Deal: If you’re short on cash and can’t hire an army for your secret covert op, don’t worry, because Rambo is all the army you need. Rambo is deadly with firearms, a helicopter, a bow and arrow and of course his giant survival knife. Man was that thing cool. It had a compass in the handle, and it was hollow so could store things in it; important survival stuff like string and one of those foil blankets I guess. I’m not much of a survivalist. I burst into tears when I can’t find my car keys.
Shining Moment: Shooting up the computer command center at the climax of First Blood Part II. You suck, dot matrix printing technology!
Occupation: Assassin, Covert S.H.I.E.L.D. Operative
As Seen In: Iron Man 2, The Avengers
Pros: Highly skilled secret agent and killer. Cons: Dude, there is no way you’ll ever score with her. Just put it out of your mind.
The Deal: If you look up femme fetale on Wikipedia, there’s a good chance a photo of Agent Romanoff killing some bad guys will pop up. Well, there will be a photo of her there when I get done editing that page. Romanoff held her own alongside Captain America, Hulk, and the other good guys in that huge battle with the Chitauri the end of The Avengers, and without a high tech armored suit or a hammer from the Gods to protect her exquisite fanny, so she gets mega props in the bravery department. And since she’s practically second in command at S.H.I.E.L.D, she can probably hook you up with a ride on the helicarrier. I wonder if they have a pool on that thing?
Shining Moment: Singlehandedly beating the crap out of a hallway full of armed guards in Iron Man 2. She can pummel me unconscious any day. Sorry, I’m into things like that.
Occupation: Inspector, San Francisco Police Department
As Seen In: Dirty Harry, Magnum Force, The Enforcer, Sudden Impact, The Dead Pool
Pros: Have you seen the size of his gun? Cons: His partners have the life span of a counselor at Camp Crystal Lake.
The Deal: Punks and criminals had better run for cover when Inspector Harry Callahan is on the case! Actually, everyone in the greater San Francisco area should run for cover because Dirty Harry doesn’t mind wrecking a few cars, some stores and restaurants, and a few beloved city landmarks to bring the bad guys to justice. Hey, you want shiny, happy, destruction free justice, call those wusses at Law & Order! Think Jerry Orbach ever killed a guy with a harpoon gun? Heck no! That’s a signature Dirty Harry move, fella!
Shining Moment: I know what you’re thinking. “Did he fire six shots or only five?” Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?
Honorable Mention: Go ahead. Make my day.
Happy Holidays, punks!
Click here to read part two of Movie Characters You Want on Your Side. Always.
Click here to read part one. Punks.