Category Archives: Funny

The DVD Critics Corner Summer Movie Preview and Spoiler Alert Special! !

Hey everyone. Tom here, your DVD Critics Corner compadre. Please, remain seated.

Summer is almost upon us. I know this because My left knee throbs when summer is coming. My right knee throbs when there is cake nearby.

That, I don’t understand. But I do like cake.

Anyhoo, Summer means a great big load of blockbuster movies will be dumped on us between now and September, some will have superheroes, others will have bloodthirsty space aliens, and at least one will have the undeniable stench of Michael Bay.

I’ve been doing a lot of research on the big movies about to hit the multiplexes; reading all the movie websites and blogs, combing over ever trailer frame by frame, and picking the brains of my private nerd council (aka my friends) to bring you the very first DVD Critics Corner Summer Movie Preview and Spoiler Alert Special!

Let’s get started, shall we?

Please Note: My “spoilers” are for entertainment purposes only. They will not give away any important plot points. Would I do that to you?

batsMovie: Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice

Release Date: March 25

Synopsis: With Metropolis in ruins, people are concerned that Superman (Henry Cavill) may not be the hero the world needs. Batman (Ben Affleck) thinks the Man of Steel needs to answer for his crimes. Let the battle begin!

Spoiler Alert! – After a long fight, Batman and Superman put aside their differences and team up with Wonder Woman for an important mission that if successful will save humanity as we know it – preventing the Baywatch movie from being made!

the-jungle-book-character-poster-3Movie: The Jungle Book

Release Date: April 15

Synopsis: A live action version of the Disney animated classic about a boy living in the jungle with his animal pals.

Spoiler Alert! – All the animals are real. The kid is CGI.

 

Captain-America-Civil-War-PosterMovie: Captain America – Civil War

Release Date: May 6

Synopsis: Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr) and Captain America (Chris Evans) find themselves on opposing sides when the government wants to reign in The Avengers.

Spoiler Alert! – In the post credits flashback sequence, The Hulk bursts into tears when he’s told he won’t be in the movie.

 

The-Angry-Birds-Movie-Poster-1Movie: The Angry Birds Movie

Release Date: May 20

Synopsis: The birds must defend their home against the evil pigs!

Spoiler Alert! –  Ten minutes into the movie you will realize how many hours you wasted playing Angry Birds on your phone. It was a lot, wasn’t it?

 

xmenMovie: X Men – Apocalypse

Release Date: May 27

Synopsis: The X Men must join together to defeat super mutant Apocalypse before he destroys the world.

Spoiler Alert! – Halfway through the movie, Mystique remembers that she’s Academy Award winning actress Jennifer freakin Lawrence and walks off the set.

 

TMNTMovie: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows

Release Date: June 3

Synopsis: The Turtles are back, and are facing a new enemy!

Spoiler Alert! – One of the Turtles screams Cowabunga! and a piece of you dies inside.

 

IDRMovie: Independence Day – Resurgence

Release Date: June 24

Synopsis: Earth once again faces a huge invasion from outer space!

Spoiler Alert! – Will Smith is not in this movie. But good news – Jeff Goldblum is! So that’s kind of good I guess…

 

ghostbusters-poster-lgMovie: Ghostbusters

Release Date: July 15

Synopsis: An all new all women team fights ghosts in this remake/reboot!

Spoiler Alert! – In mid July the internet will collapse from all the angry comments from disgruntled Ghostbusters fans who don’t want any stupid ol’ girls in their Ghostbusters movies!

3990_star-trek-beyond_FE55 Movie: Star Trek Beyond

Release Date: July 22

Synopsis: The Enterprise crew is back for another adventure!

Spoiler Alert! – Since Simon Pegg (who plays Scotty) wrote the script for this one, Scotty will be called upon to save the day when big doofus Captain Kirk (Chris Pine) puts the crew in danger. AGAIN! And Scotty totally scores with Uhuru.

jason-bourne-movie-2016-poster-393x624Movie: Jason Bourne

Release Date: July 29

Synopsis: Former superspy Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) is still on the run from – wait? is he still on the run? I thought he cleared his name in the last movie.. Or did he? You know what? I don’t care any more.

Spoiler Alert! – Someone playing a CIA official will shout “Find Jason Bourne,” every 12 minutes. Extra Spoiler Alert! – They won’t find him.

And finally….

suicide-squad-poster-movieMovie: Suicide Squad

Release Date: August 5

Synopsis: The world’s most dangerous villains are recruited by the government for secret missions.

Spoiler Alert! – The internet will collapse again as disgruntled fans worldwide take to the comments section to whine about how Heath Ledger was a way better Joker than Jared Leto. By then I will have stopped giving a flying crap about anything and will curl up into a ball and weep until the Fall.

ENJOY THE BLOCKBUSTERS!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Movie Villains You Wouldn’t Mind Hanging Out With!

Let’s face it. Everyone loves movie villains.

They live in really cool underground lairs complete with armies of henchmen and swimming pools loaded with sharks. They have all these meticulously detailed plans for acquiring wealth or dominating the planet depending on whatever mood they’re in on that particular day.

And most important; they are cool. The best villains can keep it together and not go all spazzy when the good guys are closing in and it looks like they won’t be ruling the world.

Total. Spaz.

Pictured: Total. Spaz.

We at DVD Critics Corner love movie villains, and we love hanging out. So here is a list of some cinematic baddie we wouldn’t mind kicking it with for a day, week, or long holiday weekend. Or at least until the Avengers bust in and ruin the fun.

Ultron-Hot-Toys1

Name: Ultron

Occupation: Sentient Robot/Meglomaniac

As Seen In: The Avengers Age of Ultron (2015)

Why so cool: Okay, Ultron isn’t too crazy about us human beings, but he’s got the qualities we look for in a guy to hang out with. He’s witty, sarcastic, intellectual, and since he controls the internet he could score you a deal on a hotel or shut down the power where your ex girlfriend now lives.

Best Party Trick: Since Ultron is voiced by James Spader, he’s full of great stories about working with Molly RIngwald!

hansgruberName: Hans Gruber

Occupation: Freelance Terrorist, Exceptional Thief

As Seen In: Die Hard (1988)

Why so cool: Hans appreciates the finer things in life, like money, fancy clothes, money, explosions, and money. I can picture Hans hosting lavish dinner parties with his terrorist pals, where they discuss art, politics, and pesky wise cracking cops who ruin the most perfect of plans!

Best Party Trick: His killer impression of Bill Clay. Spot on.

bond-jaws-660Name: Jaws

Occupation: Henchman, Assassin

As Seen In: The Spy Who Loved Me (1977), Moonraker (1979)

Why so cool: It’s Friday night. You’re siting at the local Applebee’s checking out the Happy Hour action, when you spot a bevy of beauties splitting a plate of pot stickers. What’s your in? You introduce the ladies to your towering pal Jaws who bites a barstool in half and orders a double platter of Double Crunch wings for the group! Best night ever!

Best Party Trick: Pretending to get beaten up by an elderly James Bond in 2 movies!

Ming-the-MercilessName: Ming the Merciless

Occupation: Ruler of the Universe, Emperor of the Galaxy

As Seen In: Flash Gordon (1980)

Why so cool: What makes Ming so Hellacool? Is it his wicked facial hair? No. His complete change of wardrobe for every scene he’s in the movie? Nope. His super hot daughter Princess Aura? Maybe. I mean NO! It’s gotta be the weather machine. Who wouldn’t want to hang with a guy that can freeze the Great Lakes and burn to ashes the city where your ex-girlfriend is now living. Dude. Let it go. She’s not coming back.

Best Party Trick: Using his magic ring to make your Aunt Sally twerk like a busload of Miley Cyruses!

Wicked-With-of-the-West-via-screencap-615x345Name: Wicked Witch of the West

Occupation: Wicked Witch of the West

As Seen In: The Wizard of Oz (1939)

Why so cool? Two words: FLYING FREAKING MONKEYS.

Best Party Trick: Uh, FLYING FREAKING MONKEYS!

Ronin Holiday!

thY3RJLVKU

47 Ronin (2013)

Directed by: Carl Rinsch

Starring: Keanu Reeves, Hiroyuki Sanada, Ko Shibasaki, Tadanobu Asano, Rinko Kikuchi, Jin Akanishi

Plot: A few hundred years ago in Japan, a group of disgraced Samurai vow revenge when their lord is dishonored and murdered by the treacherous lord Kira.  And for some reason Keanu Reeves is there too.

Rating: PG-13 for swords and the stabbing and slashing that comes with swords.

The swords and samurai epic 47 Ronin takes place in medieval Japan, where according to the narrator, Emperors and Lords ruled the land, Samurais protected them with honor, and there was magic, witchcraft, and dragons.

Hey, you weren’t there. How do you know there weren’t any dragons? They probably rode them around like horses or kept them as pets. We really can’t be sure. Even Wikipedia doesn’t know. I checked.

One day Lord Asano, leader of the Ako domain, finds a little boy lost in the woods. The boy appears to possess magic powers, but Asano decides to take him home to his city, but since the boy is half English, his status among the townspeople and the Samurai is somewhere between village leper and a three legged dog. The half Japanese boy Kai grows up to be Keanu Reeves, who as an adult is still scorned by the Samurai, particularly Asano’s chief Samurai Oishi (Sanada) but is secretly dating Asano’s daughter Princess Miko (Shibasaki) because she’s attracted to unpopular bad boys her Dad won’t allow in the house and on the carpet.

Asano and Miko are pleased as punch because the big honcho of Japan – The Shogun is visiting Ako to inspect things and to make sure everyone is Japanese enough I guess. But evil Lord Kira (Tadanobu Asano) with the help of his sexy Witch (Rinko Kikuchi) has a plan to mess things up at the big Samurai duel and humiliate Asano. Kai tries to stop Kira’s treacherous plans, but since he’s half English he’s beaten like a drum at Burning Man and a disgraced Asano must commit seppuku (a real ugly form of suicide) because The Shogun is a real hardass.

Oishi and his warriors are now Ronin, master less Samurai who must live the rest of their lives in shame and never seek revenge against the man who dissed their master. Oishi is thrown in a dungeon to keep him from going all stabby on Lord Kira, who plans to marry Miko in a year and take over Ako.

Nearly a year later Oishi is released from captivity. Kira thinks he has broken Oishi’s will to seek revenge, but Oishi is determined now more than ever to go extra stabby on Kira before he can take over his kingdom.

Note to all bad guys out there – never release the man who wants to kill you from the dungeon a week before your big plan is about to come to fruition! Come on! That’s on page one of the bad guy manual! Get your head out of your back porch rookie!

Anyhoo, Oishi sets out to reassemble his army and stop Kira. He first sets free Kai who has been traded to the Pittsburgh Pirates for an infielder and a minor league prospect and..

Oh. Sorry, Kai was sold to a band of pirates and spends his days fighting in an arena of death.

I think I would prefer the latter. I’ve seen the Pirates play.

Oishi, Kai, and Oishi’s son Chikara (Jin Akanishi) locate the other Ronin, who have conveniently been living in the woods about a mile outside of Ako and together form a plan to take out Kira or die trying.

47 Ronin moves along as Kai meets up with some mystical dudes he knew as a kid who inform him he’s got magic powers that enable him to do incredible things very much like another Character Reeves played in another action epic 15 years earlier minus the long dark coats, the endless gunfire, and that Morpheus “he’s the one” crap.

Oishi and the Ronin bluff their way back into their old castle where Kira and reluctant Bride to be Miko are having a party on the eve of their wedding. Swords are drawn, armies clash, witches do witch stuff, foes are vanquished, and the palace caterers have a lot of cleaning up to do when the smoke clears. Unfortunately Oishi, Kai, and the Ronin don’t ride off happily into the sunset because they signed an oath to kill themselves when they avenge their Master’s death.

Which they do.

And then the movie is over.

Um…yay?

47 Ronin is a valiant effort by everyone involved, but the results are more “direct to DVD” than “big time blockbuster.”

Plus, you see this menacing tattoo covered guy with the flintlock pistol who is featured prominently on the movie poster?

47Ronin2012Poster

Nice ink bro.

He’s in the movie for three seconds.

I kid you not. This freak has a smaller part in 47 Ronin than Stan Lee in every Marvel movie, and he’s hanging with Keanu on the one sheet. No, don’t put Oishi or Chikara on there, give the tattoo boy with one line second billing!

I guess it’s all about who you know. Typical Hollywood!

If You Build It, Everything Will Be Awesome!

th

THE LEGO MOVIE (2014)

Directors: Phil Lord, Christopher Miller

Starring: Chris Pratt, Elizabeth Banks, Will Arnett, Morgan Freeman, and Will Ferrell

Synopsis: Everything is awesome.

Rating: PG for Lego type violence and brick on brick action.

Every once in a while, a movie comes along that shakes the very foundation of your being and rocks you to your very core.

The Lego Movie is such a movie.

What exactly makes The Lego Movie such an exceptional standout in a sea of lesser movies?

Is it the wonderful visuals? The funny voice work by a very funny cast? The perfect blending of story and humor with a thoughtful message about learning to put down the instruction manual from time to time and follow your own path?

Nope. it’s the Legos.  Every movie should have Legos. And every movie that has been made would be better if it had Legos.

The Hunger Games? Decent movie. The Hunger Games with Legos? Super awesome!

Jaws? Great movie. Jaws with Legos? Boom.

R.I.P.D? You know what, let’s skip that one…

If you haven’t seen The Lego Movie yet, then for Heaven sake screw it together and buy a copy! I mean, here’s a brief synopsis lf this charming tale of fun and adventure:

In the all Lego universe, happy go lucky Emmet (Chris Pratt) happily goes about his life in the city of Bricksburg, getting up early, driving safely, and doing his construction job with a positive attitude and a smile on his face.  One day Emmet catches the pretty and mysterious Wyldstyle (Elizabeth Banks) snooping around the construction site, and while chasing her discovers the mysterious Piece of Resistance, an object that has been prophesized to save the Lego universe.

Now Emmet the ordinary becomes Emmet “The Special,” the being destined to stop the evil Lord Business (Will Ferrell) who wants to used his Kragle superweapon to freeze everyone and everything in the universe.

I know what you’re thinking – is Emmet truly “The Special?” Well…maybe. Not quite. Sort of. Not really. But thankfully he has a team of Master Builders in his corner to help guide our goofy but lovable protagonist along to find his courage and train him to become The Special. They are the aforementioned Wyldestyle, the mysterious blind wizard Vitruvious (Morgan Freeman) who offers all kinds of wisdom and advice, and superhero extraordinaire Batman (Will Arnett) who offers no help whatsoever.

Emmet and his pals travel from one amazing Lego world to another, trying to stay one step ahead of Lord Business and his Super Secret Police which is lead by Bad Cop/Good Cop (Liam Neeson), a cop with personality issues. Can Emmet become a Master Builder and put an end to Lord Business’ plans to really mess up Taco Tuesday?

The Lego Movie is a glorious, enjoyable action fantasy with lots of humor and a heartwarming ending.  If you watch this movie and aren’t charmed down to your shorts by this movie, we can no longer be friends.  Seriously, I will un-friend you on the spot if you don’t love this movie. This is what it’s come down to. I am drawing a line in the sand here compadre.

But I wouldn’t worry. You’re going to love The Lego Movie, and we’re going to be friends for a long, long time.  Can I crash at your place for a few weeks?

 

More Movie News!

RYAN GOSLING’S HANDSOMENESS FELLS FILM CREW
ryan-gosling

Hollywood – Production was halted on the set of Ryan Goslings latest movie on Monday when six members of the film crew were overcome by the incredible handsomeness of the famous star and had to be rushed to a nearby hospital.

According to eyewitnesses, three production assistants, a makeup artist, and two grips were apparently standing in close proximity to the actor between a take and were rendered unconscious by Gosling’s amazing jawline and steely blue eyes. Always the gentleman, Gosling helped tend to the fallen crew members until paramedics arrived.

They are all expected to make a full recovery.

 “This happens quite a bit during the filming of a Ryan Gosling movie, especially with people who have never worked with him before,” a production executive stated to the press outside the hospital. “They simply do not understand how damn good looking this man is. We’ve advised everyone in the cast and on the crew to refrain from looking at Ryan for any extended periods of time. Also, they are not to stand very close to him, since his handsomeness also gives off a powerful aura. That aura alone nearly killed a camera operator who was working with him on Drive.

A representative for the very handsome Gosling said that Ryan is very sorry for what happened, and is sending each of the affected crew members a Crabtree and Evelyn gift basket and an autographed copy of The Notebook Blu Ray/DVD combo pack.

Possessed, You Say?

In this continuing series, DVD Critics Corner profiles the many people and things that have been possessed by an evil force in the movies.

Part One – Vehicles

A somewhat famous British man once sang: “Here in my car,  I feel safest of all. I can lock all my doors, it’s the only way to live.” I’m not so sure how safe you’d feel if you were anywhere near the following cars that appear to be powered by more than gasoline. Lets take a look at some killer vehicles from some cinema classics.

Christine

Make/Model: 1958 Plymouth Fury

As Seen In: Christine (1983)

Possessed by: Something that really likes nerds

Cars are like women. You go easy on the upholstery and take them out once in a while, and you’ll be enjoying the ride for years. And like women, cars will violently murder anyone who crosses her and her man.  Unfortunately, Arnie (Keith Gordon) learns the hard way that relationships, especially ones with demonically possessed homicidal cars, require boundaries.  And Turtle Wax.

The Car

Make/Model: Heavily customized 1971 Lincoln Continental Mark III

As Seen In: The Car (1977)

Possessed by:  Demon that hates cyclists

In the opening scene the title character, a monstrous black sedan with double chrome bumpers and a loud truck horn mows down a couple of cyclists out for a ride along a rural canyon road. Now don’t get me wrong, murder is very bad, but sometimes those cyclists can be really annoying with their $8,000 bikes and jerseys with logos we don’t recognize. And they’re always talking about how incredibly fit they are. Who cares what your resting heart-rate is! Did you know they’re the ones who drink Michelob Ultra? Yes, it’s their fault that product exists.  I’m not saying the evil death car in the movie was right. But it’s not very wrong either.

The Wraithmobile

Make/Model: Dodge M4S Concept Car

As Seen In: The Wraith (1987)

Possessed by: Very mean space aliens

Judging by the slick armored suit he wears and the high tech supercar he drives, the Wraith’s quest for vengeance in the Arizona desert wasn’t forged in the fiery pits of Hell.  My guess is the protagonist Jake was revived by aliens whose sole mission to earth was to help some poor bastard exact bloody revenge on those who have wronged him. Instead of “we come to this planet on a mission of peace earthlings” he got “Hey dude we found your dead body in the desert, how can we help you F those guys up?”  I like that. We need more cool space aliens around here. I’m talking to you, floating glowing wussy aliens from Cocoon. 

Happy Toyz Co. Tractor Trailer

Make/Model: White Western Star 4800 Truck

As Seen In: Maximum Overdrive (1986)

Possessed By:  Cocaine. Lots and lots of Cocaine.

WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHH! HUMANS, MAN, THEY’RE RUINING EVERYTHING!!!!! WE GOTTA RUN EM OVER MAN!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!! LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN MAN!!! CHOO CHOO!!! CHOO CHOO!!!

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

Make/Model: Custom built early 20th century European style touring car

As Seen In: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (1968)

Possessed by: Satan

For decades adults and children have delighted in the grand adventures of this magical motorcar and his human friends, first as a movie and later as a Broadway musical.  What’s not to love about Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? The shiny brass accents, the rich wood trim, the whimsical engine noises. The way he flies through the air and swims the sea… all thanks to the Dark Lord Satan himself. Yes, only the antichrist himself could have designed and built such a fanciful machine empowered with a sinister ability to bend the will of the humans to do its bidding. One shudders to think when Chitty and his unholy master will bring the end of days to the earth and all its inhabitants, but to those few who survive the all consuming fire, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang will truly be the envy of all he surveys.

Please note: The author of this article does not condone the murder of cyclists. He’s just jealous of them because he looks hideous in those bike shorts.

Movie Characters You Want On Your Side. Always.

I’ve watched plenty of  movies over the years, and I’ve learned one important thing:

There will never be another talent like Patrick Swayze.

The second most important thing I’ve learned is if you have the right team, there is no amount of ass you can’t kick.

So if you’re putting together your own personal Magnificent Seven or Ocean’s Eleven of action movie characters to help overthrow that galactic empire or take down that army of mercenaries, might I suggest putting some (or all) of these guys on your roster:

Name: R2-D2 (Artoo Detoo)

Occupation:  Astromech Droid, Rebel Soldier

Movie Appearances:  Star Wars Episodes 1-6.

Pros: Fearless, resourceful. Cons: Can’t understand a damn word he’s saying.

The Deal: With 1,001 gadgets stuffed into his little blue and white body and the brainpower to override any security system, Artoo is a rolling Swiss Army knife with mad computer skills. Plus, R2-D2 has something many movie robots don’t have: a titanium set of balls. Would Johnny 5 wade into (I’m sorry- roll into) a firefight to unlock a door for his human companions? Could Wall E ride piggyback on an X Wing fighter as it barreled down a Death Star Trench?  Hell no!  It’s the balls I tells ya! Is it any wonder he needs three legs to walk?

Shining Moment: Despite being shot in the head by a Tie Fighter at the Battle of Yavin, Artoo managed to clean himself up and make it to Princess Leia’s stupid award ceremony. Did he get a medal? No. Did he make a fuss? No.  Artoo abides.

Name: John McClane

Occupation: Bad Ass Police Officer

Movie Appearances: Die Hards 1-4

Pros: Not afraid to blast away at the bad guys. Cons: Uses lots of ammo, potty mouth

The Deal: He’s surly, insubordinate, and not the best husband or dad, but since Detective John McClane has killed more terrorists than NATO, we’ll ignore his little personality quirks as long as he is on the job. Despite the incredible amount of punishment he receives during a typical Die Hard movie, McClane will do whatever it takes to make sure he’s the last man standing so he can utter a really cool catchphrase.

Shining Moment: In Live Free or Die Hard (Die Hard 4), John McClane beats the crap out of an F-35 fighter jet. Yippee Ki Yay.

Name: Optimus Prime

Occupation: Autobot

Movie Appearances:  Transformers movie series.

Pros: Huge Goddamn alien robot. Cons: Likes to give long speeches, unhealthy attachment to Shia LaBeouf.

The Deal: Like R2-D2 and John McClane, the brave leader of the Autobots has the ability to get blown up and still live to fight another day.  He is a little on the big side, so don’t ask him to go crawling into a ventilation system or dance around a laser grid on the floor.  Prime’s biggest asset is he transforms into a truck, so he can haul the teams stuff around and drive you home when your mission is over.  Be sure to kick in for gas money.

Shining Moment: Saving Sam Witwicky’s ass over and over again in spite of the protests of moviegoers everywhere.

Name: Frank Martin

Occupation: Brooding asskicker

Movie Appearances: The Transporter 1-3

Pros: Really good at kicking people, great driver. Cons: Your girlfriend will dump you for him in a heartbeat.

The Deal: Frank Martin is a great action movie character. He’s strong, silent, and able to render a group of attackers unconscious with a super deluxe collection of martial arts moves. He’s a man of few words, and hopefully those words are “Have a seat, I’ll beat these guys up for you.”  Since Martin wears fine designer suits, he’d have no trouble helping you pick the right outfit to wear if you have to infiltrate a fancy party at an embassy or a drug lord’s mansion.  If you’re going to put the beatdown on the bad guys, you might as well be stylin!

Shining Moment: In Transporter 2, Martin barrel rolls his Audi A8 through the air, timing things precisely so an overhead hook from a crane knocks off a bomb the bad guys taped to his car a second before they push the detonator.  That move was so sweet you could grind it up and sprinkle it on my latte!

Name: Alice

Occupation: Former security officer, Umbrella corporation

Movie Appearances: Resident Evil movie series

Pros: Extensive firearms collection Cons: Zombies follow her everywhere she goes.

The Deal: I gave up on the Resident Evil franchise after the second film, but since Alice is still alive and well after five Resident Evil movies, she must be doing something right. Alice carries a bunch of guns with an endless supply of ammo 24/7, which will be helpful when McClane uses up all of his bullets in the first skirmish and is in need of a backup weapon. Although Alice is a hot babe, her battle hardened demeanor no nonsense attitude makes her immune to the macho charms of the other guys on this list. Except for maybe…

Name: Sean Connery

Occupation: Sean Connery

Movie Appearances: He was James Bond.

Pros: Being Sean Connery. Cons: None.

The Deal: He’s Sean Freaking Connery!

Shining Moment: In the Highlander movie series he played a Spaniard who spoke with a Scottish accent because nobody had the guts to tell him he couldn’t do that.

How Green Is My Lantern?

Green Lantern (2011) Director: Martin Campbell Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively, Peter Sarsgaard, Tim Robbins Rating: PG-13 for sci-fi violence. Whatever that means.

I didn’t read comic books as a kid, but over the years I have picked up a few things. I do know Superman flies and is very strong, Batman has cool gadgets and beats up bad guys, and Wonder Woman dresses like a sexy drum majorette and ties crooks up with a golden rope.

I like Wonder Woman.

Another popular comic book character is a guy called Green Lantern, whose powers come from a shiny ring that doesn’t look the least bit showy and goes with just about everything.  Since Hollywood is determined to squeeze every last dollar from the comic book crowd, Green Lantern was given his own big ass blockbuster movie earlier this year.

Sorry Aquaman, you’ll have to wait. Forever, if I have anything to say about it, you fish loving fancy lad.

Deep in outer space, the Green Lantern Corps, a group of alien life forms from thousands of planets protects the universe like an intergalactic police force, arresting space criminals and giving space tickets to people who talk on their space phones while driving their space cars.

A dying Green Lantern named Abin Sur crash lands on earth, and in his last moments of life asks his power ring to find a worthy human to take his place in the Green Lantern Corps. Apparently Sur’s ring really hated its owner, because the green energy bubble retrieves cocky wiseass test pilot Hal Jordan, played to cocky wiseass perfection by cocky wiseass Ryan Reynolds.

Is the Green Lantern Corps ready for its first human member? Does Hal Jordan have what it takes to be a guardian of the galaxy?  Can Hal convince his on again/off again girlfriend Carol (Blake Lively, in a role probably meant for Jessica Biel) that there’s more to him than his washboard abs and his ability to crash 50 million dollar planes at will?

All of these questions must be answered pretty gosh darn fast because there’s this giant space cloud of evil called Parallax hurtling toward earth, determined to devour everyone  because that’s what giant space clouds of evil do. Ever meet a giant space cloud of evil that is willing to give up its Saturday to help you move? Of course not. They’re evil.

At the risk of spoiling the movie for you, Hal embraces his calling as a new Green Lantern, leaving behind his life of cocky wiseassery on earth to protect the galaxy from whatever bad space stuff is out there.  The movie hints of a possible sequel, but since movie goers pretended they were out of town or in bed sick when Green Lantern premiered, I think the Green Lantern Corps has been defeated by the greatest enemy of all: a crappy box office return.

Still, Ryan Reynolds looks smashing in green, and Blake Lively was pretty good as Jessica Biel.  And did I mention Tim Robbins was in this? He was!

Somebody tell Aquaman it’s his turn.

FASTER

Faster (2010) Director: George Tillman Jr. Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Billy Bob Thorton Rating: R for violence, drug stuff  and the F word

Ricardo Montalban once said revenge is a dish best served cold.

I disagree.

Revenge should be served in one of those large chafing dishes heated by a can of sterno.  That way your revenge will come out warm in the middle but a soggy and undercooked on the ends, forcing your victims to fill up on salad and rolls, which are loaded with poison.

And that’s why I can’t work in the catering industry anymore.

Anyhoo, Faster is a revenge film starring the artist formally known as The Rock Dwayne Johnson as a man who’s released from a ten year prison stint sporting huge muscles and the biggest frowny face I have ever seen.

Driver (Yes, that’s the name of Johnson’s character) is out to avenge his brother who was murdered by a pack of sleazy thugs who stole the money they had just stolen from a bank.  Utilizing some intel compiled by a shady friend, Driver begins picking off the gang members one by one with a humongous revolver that looks like something Yosemite Sam would carry while hunting that no good varmint Bugs Bunny.

This bloody mayhem attracts the attention of a drug addicted cop (Thorton) who knows more about this case than he’s letting on, and a professional hit man (Oliver Jackson-Cohen) who wants to retire becasue he thinks he’s gotten too good at killing even though throughout the movie he can’t put one bullet into Driver, a man who’s roughly the size of a Maytag 25 Cubic Ft Side By Side refrigerator.

Driver’s mode of transport in Faster is a super cherry 1970 Chevy Chevelle SS, proving once again the coolest cars for kicking ass in movies are good ol American muscle cars. You think Driver could properly avenge the death of his brother in a 1984 Mitsubishi Galant? Please.

Despite having an action star known for his ass kicking abilities, a real cool car,  and a juicy revenge plotline, Faster isn’t very fast at all. But I guess it would be hard to market a film if the title directly reflected what was happening on the screen, which is why Faster wasn’t called Drags A Bit in the Middle or The Hitman Subplot Should Have Been Cut In The Final Draft.

To sum up: Less talking and more ass kicking would have saved Faster. Hey, that’s exactly what I said when I saw Fried Green Tomatoes! Weird, huh?

One final thought:  Johnson’s character is named Driver, because he is very good at operating a motor vehicle at high and unsafe speeds. I’m assuming Driver isn’t the name he was born with, just something he picked up, but how messed up would that be if his parents named him Driver?

No pressure about what your job is going to be son!

Be whatever you want when you grow up, Driver!

Glad they didn’t name the kid Ambassador or Supreme Court Justice! Although The Rock playing a Supreme Court Justice would be freakin awesome.  Call me Dwayne, I got a project to pitch to you!