A Leatherface Only A Mother Could Love!

Texas-Chainsaw-3D-Poster

TEXAS CHAINSAW  3D (2013)

Director: John Luessenhop

Starring:  Alexandra Daddario, Trey Songz, Dan Yeager, Tania Raymonde, Keram Malicki-Sanchez 

Plot: A girl inherits a Texas home with 3 bedrooms, 2 and a half baths, a full dining room, and a friggin loon with a chainsaw!

Rating: There’s a guy with a chainsaw hacking people to death. What do you think?

I’d like to kick things off with a little song I wrote just for this review, sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies theme song:

Let me tell you folks a story ‘bout a creepy kinda place,

Where some stupid teens got introduced to good ol’ Leatherface.

There was blood and guts and carnage, disembowelments – how bizarre!

It’s a hootenanny at the Texas Chainsaw Massa-car!

Okay, I haven’t gotten the rhyming part down yet. Maybe I’ll be a rapper!

In 1974 The Texas Chainsaw Massacre introduced the innocent movie audiences to Leatherface, a unique fellow who wore masks made of human skin and enjoyed turning unsuspecting teenagers into Purina Dog Chow with his huge chainsaw.  Naturally people loved the guy.

TCM spawned three sequels, a remake, and a prequel to the remake. Among the highlights of those many movies:

In Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2 (1986) Leatherface has a climactic chainsaw battle with Dennis Hopper, who was probably on a ton of drugs at the time and thought he was actually having a fight to the death with a big guy with a chainsaw.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1997) was actually filmed in 1994 and featured two unknown actors named Matthew McConaughy and Renee Zellweger.  Renee and Matty were very pissed when the movie was released in a few theaters in 1997 to capitalize on their new fame, which is kind of silly when you think the guy who starred in Failure to Launch and the girl who gave us New in Town actually gave a crap about their reputations at one time.

The true star of the super grizzly 2003 remake surprisingly titled The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was the tiny tank top our heroine Jessica Beil wore throughout the movie.  That flimsy patch of transparent cotton clung tightly to Miss Biel’s svelt figure during all the running, jumping, bouncing and jiggling she had to do to avoid being shredded by Leather’s mighty chainsaw. Simply outstanding.

Now comes the latest chapter in the Leatherface saga, this one simply entitled Texas Chainsaw. Ignoring all the previous storylines, this movie picks up right after the events of the original.

A blood soaked teen escapes the Sawyer farmhouse and is rescued just before Leatherface can do his famous cut you in half with a chainsaw. The local Sherriff (Thom Barry) is about to arrest Leatherface and the Sawyer clan when a group of vigilantes led by King of the rednecks Burt Hartman (Paul Rae) attack the farmhouse and burn it to the ground. A baby is found and quickly adopted by one of the attackers because bloodthirsty vigilantes cannot be bothered with adoption agencies! Thinking that the Sawyer clan is wiped out, the townspeople go back to their peaceful non murdering lives.

Twentysomething years later, we meet Heather (Alexandra Daddario), a strong willed woman who believes her midriff should be exposed for the world to see at all times. Heather receives word from a lawyer that her Grandmother (who she never knew about) has passed on and left her a very nice estate in sunny Newt, Texas. Thinking this is a road leading to riches, Heather and her midriff head off to cash in on her dead Granny’s estate.

Accompanying Heather on her quest is the standard group of victims you find in any horror fest; poor misguided youths who make bad decisions and get picked off by a killer with a tricked out Garden Weasel. Let’s do a quick role call!

Ryan, Heather’s boyfriend (Trey Songz) – A likable doofus who is not nearly in the same league as his sexy galpal. Luckily he will be killed before he realizes their relationship needs some serious work.

Nikki, Heather’s best friend (Tania Raymonde) – Since movie rules dictate that she’s not allowed to be as hot as our heroine, Nikki differentiates herself by being easier than first grade math. She’s the girl who reflexively yells out “Woooooo!” when the word party is uttered.

Kenny, Nikki’s boyfriend (Keram Malicki Sanchez) – He’s the one who goes off to investigate the strange noise coming from the cellar, never to bee seen in solid form again. Poor Dope. Good thing he dies before he finds out his girlfriend is the Queen of Whore Island.

Naturally, things get a bit messy when Heather and her pals discover that (big surprise) Leatherface (Dan Yeager) is living in the basement of the house and is not very pleased with a bunch of stupid kids making a mess in his Grandma’s nice house. Heather escapes the carnage and finds the Sherriff who offers to help, but his plans are thwarted by Burt and the surviving vigilantes who want to finish what they started years ago.

When Heather learns the identity of her chainsaw wielding cousin and what happened to her real family on that fateful night (A note to movie cops – never leave a big box labeled “evidence” lying around so anybody can read through it!), who will she side with when Leatherface has his final showdown with Burt and his evil posse?

Despite the unique plot twist at the end, Texas Chainsaw does very little to differentiate itself from the previous entries to the franchise. There’s stupid young people, angry old people, lengthy conversations about the importance of family and the ties that bind us together.

It’s like Fried Green Tomatoes if Fried Green Tomatoes had a large man with a human skin mask wielding a chainsaw.

You know, something we all can relate to!

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About Tom Levier

Tom is a New Jersey native who lived in New York City for a while, and is now back in the Garden State. He is creator and writer of Central Park: A Misguide, DVD Critics Corner!, and The Gallows. Please read, comment on, and subscribe to his blogs. It would make him very happy. When not writing, Tom enjoys making jewelry and other handmade items for his shop Cold Garage Creations. Check out his shop on Etsy! https://www.etsy.com/shop/ColdGarageCreations

Posted on January 28, 2014, in DVD, Horror, Humor, Movie Reviews, Movies, Netflix, Reviews, Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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