Vengeance Is Mine, Saith Stallone!

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BULLET TO THE HEAD (2013) Director: Walter Hill Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Sung Kang, Sarah Shahi, Jason Momoa Rating: R for bullets to the head, punches to the face, cursing from the mouth, and bleeding on the floor. 

Ya gotta give it up for Sylvester Stallone. For a movie star who is old enough to retire and spend his days telling kids to get off his lawn, he looks like a man half his age in the thriller Bullet to the Head. 

I bet he works out. He probably eats healthy too. I could work out and eat healthy, but if I cut back on the junk food, several snack cake companies would have to lay off thousands of employees. I cannot have that on my conscience. Would you like a Twinkie?

Anyhoo, in Bullet to the Head, super ripped sexagenarian Sly plays James “Bobo” Bonomo, a hitman who like most movie hitmen only kills guys who really deserve to be killed. As the film opens, Bobo and his young partner Louis (Jon Seda) whack a coked up jackass in a swanky hotel suite. Bobo spares the life of the hooker who witnesses the killing because as I said before he is the good kind of hired killer.

As Bobo and Louis enjoy a post homicide drink at a crowded New Orleans bar, a big dude named Keegan (Jason Momoa) stabs Louis to death, which really pisses off Bobo and puts a serious damper on ladies night at the bar.

Meanwhile, Washington D.C. Detective Taylor Kwon (Sung Kang) arrives in New Orleans looking for his rogue partner only to find out he was the coked up jackass that Bobo and Louis killed. Turns out Kwon’s dead partner wanted to blackmail a powerful New Orleans businessman named Morel (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje) who is actually a crime boss determined to buy up half of New Orleans and build nice shiny New Orleans condos.

Oh, did I mention this movie takes place in New Orleans?

Kwon figures the murder of his partner and the death of Louis are connected, and because he’s an amazing detective with a smartphone, he tracks down Bobo and offers to team up with him find out who is behind the killings. A cop and a surly criminal working together? How kooky can this get?

Bullet to the Head isn’t exactly a adrenaline filled actioner with exciting gun battles and elaborately choreographed fight scenes. But there are lots of scenes with Bobo and Kwon driving from place to place to interrogate people.

Thrill as Bobo and Kwon drive to a bath house and interrogate a criminal who has information!

Gasp as Bobo and Kwon kidnap Morel’s sleazy lawyer (Christian Slater) and drive him to a hide out and interrogate him for more information!

Shriek as Bobo and Kwon drive over to meet Bobo’s daughter Lisa (Sara Shahi) at her house and use her computer to look up something!

My heart can’t take another parking scene!

Okay, things pick up at the end of the movie when the crazy big dude Keegan kidnaps Lisa to get a flash drive Bobo and Kwon have which contains evidence that will put Morel in jail for a long time. Bobo and Keegan face off in an ax wielding fight to the death as Kwon wanders around a warehouse and records Morel saying incriminating things with his smartphone. Kwon really knows how to work his smartphone. I bet he knows how to attach photos from different apps to the same e-mail!

I don’t now how to do that.  I wish I did.

Bullet to the Head is kinda boring and a bit of a letdown compared to most of Stallone’s filmography.

But it is better than Get Carter. And Driven. And Assassins. And Daylight. And The Specialist. And Demolition Man.

This could take a while, so thanks for reading and I’ll see you next time!

Stop Or My Mom will Shoot! And Oscar. And Over the Top. and friggin Rhinestone. Oh God, I hate Rhinestone…

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About Tom Levier

Tom is a New Jersey native who lived in New York City for a while, and is now back in the Garden State. He is creator and writer of Central Park: A Misguide, DVD Critics Corner!, and The Gallows. Please read, comment on, and subscribe to his blogs. It would make him very happy. When not writing, Tom enjoys making jewelry and other handmade items for his shop Cold Garage Creations. Check out his shop on Etsy! https://www.etsy.com/shop/ColdGarageCreations

Posted on October 6, 2013, in Action Movies, Crime Drama, DVD, Movie Reviews, Movies, Netflix, Reviews, Thrillers, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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