Monthly Archives: October 2013

Horror Movie Villains I Want to Punch in the Face!

Hey kids, It’s Tom, your DVD Critics Corner bud.

As you know, it’s almost Halloween. Since this is a movie blog, WordPress rules state I must write a post about horror movies.

It’s true. It’s in that list of terms thing you didn’t read when you joined this blogging site. Look it up.

Anyhoo, Horror films have spawned some of the most iconic characters in movie history. But for every Freddy Kruger and Michael Myers, there are characters that are horrifying if your definition of horrifying is sad, pitiful, and friggin awful.

Here are some horror movie characters I would gladly feed a knuckle sandwich with a side of another knuckle sandwich, followed by a dessert tray loaded with (you guessed it) knuckle sandwiches.  It’s a very limited menu.

Let’s begin!

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JACK FROST, the killer snowman from JACK FROST (1997) and JACK FROST 2 (2000)

Snowmen are supposed to be jolly, happy souls. They dance and partake in spirited hi-jinks because that’s what the classic Christmas tune “Frosty the Snowman” says! Nowhere in the song does the snowmen kill the townspeople in horrible and gruesome ways!  Shame on you Jack Frost for breaking all of the snowman rules. Turn in our corncob pipe and eyes made out of coal.

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HORNY THE CLOWN from DRIVE THRU (2007)

Look, clowns are scary enough being..well, clowns. So they don’t need someone like Horny, a homicidal clown who disembowels annoying teenagers in the generic horror movie Drive Thru making them look even worse! Send in the clowns? I don’t think so!

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PAMELA VOORHEES from FRIDAY THE 13TH (1980)

Okay, I’ll say it. Pam, you are a bad Mom.

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THE GINGERDEAD MAN from GINGERDEAD MAN 1, 2, and 3.

That’s right, the protagonist of this film is a killer cookie. Oh wait, did I say film? I meant films because they made three of these Gingerdead Man movies. THREE! The can’t get a  Justice League movie franchise off the ground, but they’re cranking out Gingerdead Man sequels like there’s no friggin tomorrow! So. Many. Punches.

And finally…

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THE MANGLER from The Mangler (1995)

A killer shirt folding machine. I see.

Hey, does anyone have Stephen King’s e-mail address? Also, can you punch someone in the face via e-mail?

HAPPY HALLOWEEN from DVD Critic’s Corner!

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The Last Tom Cruise on Earth!

Oblivion_thumbLG2OBLIVION (2013) Director: Joseph Kosinski Starring: Tom Cruise, Andrea Riseborough, Olga Kurylenko, Melissa Leo, and Morgan Freeman Rating: PG-13 for near nudity, bad robots, and at least one F bomb. 

Hmm. I wonder what I would do if I was the only person left on the entire planet?

I could finally return that book to the library! It’s 28 years overdue… the late fee must be 4 dollars by now!

I could drive the zamboni at the ice rink. Then down the street, Then at the mall!

But most importantly I could practice my rhythmic gymnastics out in the backyard without the neighbors pointing and laughing. Sure I will spend the rest of my days completely alone, but my ribbon routine would be breathtaking.

I’m kidding of course. Being the last man in the world would be a major bummer. And if you’re the lead character in the Sci-Fi adventure Oblivion, not only would you be the last man on a desolate planet Earth, but worst of all…you would still have A JOB!!!

 In Oblivion, big time movie star Tom Cruise plays Jack Harper, a tech support/repairman who lives in a really sweet glass apartment high in the clouds with his co-worker/love bunny Vika (Andrea Riseborough). Since Jack is the last person on Earth he’s in charge of plot exposition, so as the opening credits roll he tells us why our beloved planet is now emptier than a Google+ hangout.

Around the year 2017, an army of space aliens called “Scavs” arrive in a big spaceship and blow up the Moon with a Moon blower upper gun. This causes huge environmental destruction on Earth, killing a great deal of the population who happen to be living there at the time. When the Scavs invade to wipe out the rest of humanity, the humans answer with nuclear weapons, which kill most of the Scavs and anything else that was still standing on the entire globe.  This plan is known in The Department of Defense as the “If I Can’t Have You Nobody Can” Contingency.

Now in 2077 the few surviving humans live in a huge space station orbiting Earth that they were somehow able to build after every form of technology and piece of building material was turned to ash only a few years earlier. A bunch of giant power stations (also built after everything on earth was destroyed) hover above the ocean sucking up sea water and turning into energy the humans will use to fly to one of Saturn’s moons and build a new earth with plenty of parking and robot butlers for everyone!

Jack and Vika are in charge of keeping the heavily armed drones that protect the power station things up and running, which isn’t easy because some Scavs are still on Earth and they just love breaking drones and vandalizing power stations.

Although he likes flying around in a cool dragonfly shaped ship fixing drones and picking off the occasional Scav with his future rifle, Jack feels like there are a lot of unanswered questions about his life. For example, why does Sally (Melissa Leo) his mysterious boss up in the space station want him and Vika to wipe their memories every five years? And what’s with the vivid and detailed dream he keeps having where he meets a pretty brunette girl at the top of The Empire State Building – a place that was destroyed before he was born?

And how do the power stations transfer their energy to the space station? Wi-Fi? Bluetooth? Really long extension cord?

Oh wait, that’s my question. Never mind.

Things begin to get complicated in Jack’s post apocalyptic world when an old Earth spaceship crash lands and Jack finds a woman in a stasis capsule – the same woman from his dreams! Jack brings his new lady friend Julia (Olga Kurylenko) home to meet Vika which doesn’t go well because Jack is too thick to know that THE ONLY GIRL ON THE ENTIRE PLANET WILL HAVE A HUGE FREAKING PROBLEM WITH HER BOYFRIEND BRINGING HOME ANOTHER WOMAN!

Even I know that! And I’m really stupid!

I’m not going to give away the rest of the plot to Oblivion, but it’s safe to say that after meeting Julia, Jack begins to doubt all the stuff he’s been told all these years. And when Jack meets Malcolm Beech (Morgan Freeman) and a bunch of humans hiding in a mountain fortress, he learns the truth about the invasion and the truth about the forbidden “radiation zone” Sally told him to stay away from.

Seriously, doesn’t Jack know that all “forbidden zones” you are ordered to avoid have to be explored? Hasn’t he seen Planet of the Apes? Logan’s Run? 

Oh yeah, he probably never saw those movies because there was a world ending war. All of the Redbox machines probably got buried in the rubble.

Anyhoo, Oblivion is a beautifully shot and sleek looking film with nice special effects that takes a while to get going, but has a pretty interesting climax and resolution.

Plus Tom Cruise fans will be amped beyond belief because the guy is in just about every frame of this movie.  I didn’t watch any of the “making of” featurettes on the DVD, but I bet they were also chock full of Tom Cruise.

Maybe there was too much Tom Cruise in this movie?

No way! That’s crazy talk!

Vengeance Is Mine, Saith Stallone!

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BULLET TO THE HEAD (2013) Director: Walter Hill Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Sung Kang, Sarah Shahi, Jason Momoa Rating: R for bullets to the head, punches to the face, cursing from the mouth, and bleeding on the floor. 

Ya gotta give it up for Sylvester Stallone. For a movie star who is old enough to retire and spend his days telling kids to get off his lawn, he looks like a man half his age in the thriller Bullet to the Head. 

I bet he works out. He probably eats healthy too. I could work out and eat healthy, but if I cut back on the junk food, several snack cake companies would have to lay off thousands of employees. I cannot have that on my conscience. Would you like a Twinkie?

Anyhoo, in Bullet to the Head, super ripped sexagenarian Sly plays James “Bobo” Bonomo, a hitman who like most movie hitmen only kills guys who really deserve to be killed. As the film opens, Bobo and his young partner Louis (Jon Seda) whack a coked up jackass in a swanky hotel suite. Bobo spares the life of the hooker who witnesses the killing because as I said before he is the good kind of hired killer.

As Bobo and Louis enjoy a post homicide drink at a crowded New Orleans bar, a big dude named Keegan (Jason Momoa) stabs Louis to death, which really pisses off Bobo and puts a serious damper on ladies night at the bar.

Meanwhile, Washington D.C. Detective Taylor Kwon (Sung Kang) arrives in New Orleans looking for his rogue partner only to find out he was the coked up jackass that Bobo and Louis killed. Turns out Kwon’s dead partner wanted to blackmail a powerful New Orleans businessman named Morel (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje) who is actually a crime boss determined to buy up half of New Orleans and build nice shiny New Orleans condos.

Oh, did I mention this movie takes place in New Orleans?

Kwon figures the murder of his partner and the death of Louis are connected, and because he’s an amazing detective with a smartphone, he tracks down Bobo and offers to team up with him find out who is behind the killings. A cop and a surly criminal working together? How kooky can this get?

Bullet to the Head isn’t exactly a adrenaline filled actioner with exciting gun battles and elaborately choreographed fight scenes. But there are lots of scenes with Bobo and Kwon driving from place to place to interrogate people.

Thrill as Bobo and Kwon drive to a bath house and interrogate a criminal who has information!

Gasp as Bobo and Kwon kidnap Morel’s sleazy lawyer (Christian Slater) and drive him to a hide out and interrogate him for more information!

Shriek as Bobo and Kwon drive over to meet Bobo’s daughter Lisa (Sara Shahi) at her house and use her computer to look up something!

My heart can’t take another parking scene!

Okay, things pick up at the end of the movie when the crazy big dude Keegan kidnaps Lisa to get a flash drive Bobo and Kwon have which contains evidence that will put Morel in jail for a long time. Bobo and Keegan face off in an ax wielding fight to the death as Kwon wanders around a warehouse and records Morel saying incriminating things with his smartphone. Kwon really knows how to work his smartphone. I bet he knows how to attach photos from different apps to the same e-mail!

I don’t now how to do that.  I wish I did.

Bullet to the Head is kinda boring and a bit of a letdown compared to most of Stallone’s filmography.

But it is better than Get Carter. And Driven. And Assassins. And Daylight. And The Specialist. And Demolition Man.

This could take a while, so thanks for reading and I’ll see you next time!

Stop Or My Mom will Shoot! And Oscar. And Over the Top. and friggin Rhinestone. Oh God, I hate Rhinestone…