I Got 99 Problems But The Witch Aint One!


HANSEL AND GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS (2013) Director: Tommy Wirkola Starring: Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton, Famke Janssen, Peter Stormare Rating: R for Fantasy gore, horror gore, witch gore, gory language, and brief non gory nudity.  

Okay, forget everything you know about the Hansel and Gretel.

Now forget everything you know about geometry!

No, no, no, I’m just kidding. Don’t forget your geometry. You’ll probably need it some day. Honest.

But you have my permission to forget everything you know about the aforementioned fairy tale. Why? Because the horror-action extravaganza Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters has taken the tired old Brothers Grimm story and juiced it up with everything you want in a movie: guns, gore, gratuitous hand to hand combat, and guns!

Plus that witchcraft spell stuff for the Harry Potter crowd. They love spells. And that red haired girl. What’s her name… Henrietta? Yeah, her.

As the movie opens, young Hansel and Gretel are dropped off in the woods by their Dad because it’s important to the plot later in the movie. They wander around and find a gingerbread house, a witch captures them – yadda yadda yadda – the witch gets broiled as the kids high five.

Since Hansel and Gretel are now orphans and need to get jobs, they become professional witch killers and in a montage that plays during the opening credits we see newspaper clippings of their Witch hunting exploits because in early 19th century European newspapers witch killings were featured every day since sports hadn’t been invented yet.

Hansel and Gretel (now played by adult movie stars Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton respectively) are hired by the village or Augsburg to kill the crap out of some witches who are abducting the towns children.  Against the orders of the dickish Sheriff Berringer ( Peter Stormare at his most oily), the siblings begin their investigation and almost immediately run afoul of trio of powerful witches led by the evil Muriel (Famke Janssen) who is part superwitch and part Batman villain.  Turns out Muriel wants to use the kidnapped children as a sacrifice in a ceremony called Blood Moon that will make all witches invincible, their hats pointier, and their cauldrons bubblier.

With the help of local teen Ben (Thomas Mann), a village girl Hansel has the hots for named Mina (Pihla Viitala), and a cartload of anachronistic weaponry (we don’t have repeating crossbows in this century), Hansel and Gretel face off against Muriel and her black magic women, and in the process discover why their Mom and Dad abandoned them and why they must continue their quest to rid the world of witches even if it takes two more movies and a possible TV spinoff.

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters is a highly watchable action packed flick that delivers just what the title promises. You got Hansel, Gretel, some witches, and hunting.

I like movies that do that.

Ever see Waiting for Guffman?

Spoiler alert: They waited for Guffman, and he didn’t show.

What a ripoff! I never forgave that movie, and I never will.


About Tom Levier

Tom is a New Jersey native who lived in New York City for a while, and is now back in the Garden State. He is creator and writer of Central Park: A Misguide, DVD Critics Corner!, and The Gallows. Please read, comment on, and subscribe to his blogs. It would make him very happy. When not writing, Tom enjoys making jewelry and other handmade items for his shop Cold Garage Creations. Check out his shop on Etsy! https://www.etsy.com/shop/ColdGarageCreations

Posted on September 5, 2013, in Action Movies, DVD, Fantasy, Horror, Movie Reviews, Movies, Netflix, Reviews and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Oh, c’mon, Tom. Waiting for Guffman was great!

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