There’s Always Room for J-Lo!

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PARKER (2013) Director: Taylor Hackford Starring: Jason Statham, Jennifer Lopez, Michael Chiklis, Nick Nolte Rating: R for violence, bad language, lots of fake blood, and a few shots of Lopez in her undies.

If you’ve read this blog before (and you have my deepest sympathies) you know that as far as I am concerned professional thief is one of the greatest jobs you can have in a movie. You get to wear disguises (depending on the job), your co-workers are known as your “crew,” which is a very cool, and best of all there’s lots of great stuff for you to take because movies are full of stuff!

But as the title character of the crime thriller Parker finds out, professional burglary isn’t all fun and games. There’s betrayal, murder, and worst of all, you might wind up in Florida!

FLORIDA!

You can count me out right there, Mister!

Super thief extraordinaire Parker has just pulled off a daring robbery with a crew if guys he’s never worked with before. They seem like decent fellows, until their leader Melander (Michael Chiklis) makes Parker an offer he can’t refuse: use the money they just stole to finance their next job (a jewelry heist that’s worth millions) or die. When Parker turns down their offer because he’s got a thing that week and his new partners are treacherous dicks, he’s shot and left for dead on the side of the road.

Not to worry DVD viewers! You see, Parker is played by indestructible action star Jason Statham, a man who’s basically Wolverine minus the claws and Elvis haircut, so you know something as trivial as a gunshot won’t stop him from getting even.

Determined to get his money back and put a world of hurt on Melander, Parker gets some info from his mentor Hurley (Nick Nolte ) that leads him to New Orleans, where he beats up some guys and finds out Melander and company are going to pull off their big heist in Palm Beach, Florida. Against Hurley’s warnings to let things be and lay low for a while with his best gal Claire (Emma Booth), Parker heads to Palm Beach to double cross the guys who double crossed him, and maybe ride a jet ski or play some golf.

Pretending to be a rich oil man from Texas, Parker dons a Yosemite Sam sized cowby hat and hooks up with Leslie Rodgers (THE Jennifer Lopez), a debt ridden real estate agent desperate for commission to show him some rental properties around Palm Beach.  Parker is hoping Leslie will lead him to the house Melander is using to plan his robbery, and Leslie is hoping Parker is single and has a thing for broke, divorced gals who live with their Mothers.  But Parker has no time for love because not only has Melander found out that Parker is alive, but through some mob connections has dispatched a ruthless hit-man to take out Parker, Claire, their neighbors, the kid who delivers their paper every morning, Parker’s fifth grade teacher, Claire’s cat Mr. Whiskers…you get the idea.

Parker finds his former crew’s hideout and discovers Melander’s plans to steal $50 million in jewels from a huge auction taking place in a few days. But before Parker can let his inner Statham run loose, Leslie informs Parker she knows he’s not a rich Texan (maybe it was his English accent) and demands a cut of whatever Parker steals from Melander. Oh, and the hit-man shows up too, which is just dandy because Parker doesn’t have enough shit going on in his life!

As Melander’s crew steals the diamonds, Parker sets his revenge plan in motion, and things get really messy in some rented house in Palm Beach. I seriously doubt Melander is going to get his cleaning deposit back.

Parker isn’t wall to wall butt kicking compared to some of Jason Statham’s previous action epics, but the Sta-man does put the smackdown on some baddies from time to time, and the story has enough going on to keep you interested.  Mega superstar Jennifer Lopez does a pretty good job in a minor role, and as I mentioned she does get to show off her trademark booty, which is fine if you’re into trademarked body parts like the aforementioned booty.

It’s just…

Look, the movie could have used a bit more kicking. It’s what Statham does. It’s his thing!

Just saying.

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About Tom Levier

Tom is a New Jersey native who lived in New York City for a while, and is now back in the Garden State. He is creator and writer of Central Park: A Misguide, DVD Critics Corner!, and The Gallows. Please read, comment on, and subscribe to his blogs. It would make him very happy. When not writing, Tom enjoys making jewelry and other handmade items for his shop Cold Garage Creations. Check out his shop on Etsy! https://www.etsy.com/shop/ColdGarageCreations

Posted on August 15, 2013, in Crime Drama, DVD, Humor, Movie Reviews, Movies, Netflix, Reviews, Thrillers and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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