May The Schwarz Be With You!


THE LAST STAND (2012) Director: Kim-Jee Wong  Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Forrest Whitaker, Johnny Knoxville, Jaimie Alexander, Luis Guzman Rating: R for graphic violence, bad language, and Arnold kicking it old school!

Move over Avengers. Stand aside Statham. Park it, Fast and Furious guys. The first name in action movies is back from a long hiatus, and he’s ready to take back his seat at the top of the action movie heap. That’s right film fans, Arnold Schwarzenegger is back!

After years of bringing growth and prosperity to the untamed wilds of California, Arnold has returned to the world of cinema, and he’s going to show this new generation of action stars who the boss is. And it aint Tony freakin Danza!

Arnold’s first starring vehicle in over a decade is the High Noon inspired The Last Stand, and it’s got everything you’d expect from a classic Schwarzenegger action flick, plus car chases and the guy from Jackass!

It’s like the movie studio read my dream journal!

In The Last Stand, Arnold plays Ray Owens, easy going sheriff of a small boarder town in Arizona. Ray and his deputies have little to do in Summerton Junction, which is your typical sleepy desert movie town: dusty streets, rusty signs blowing in the wind, and colorful comic relief  locals like Lewis Dinkum (Johnny Knoxville) who has more guns than most third world armies.

 With most of the residents of Summerton Junction out of town for a high school football game, Ray hopes to have a quiet day off drinking tea and watching all of those Downton Abbey episodes clogging up the DVR. But this is a movie, so you know things are about to get mucho fugly.

Later that evening in Las Vegas, no nonsense FBI agent John Bannister (Forrest Whitaker) is transferring a vicious criminal to prison in a heavily armed convoy. Unfortunately, the prisoner is drug cartel kingpin Gabriel Cortez (Eduardo Noriega), who is cunning, ruthless, and one hollowed out mountain fortress away from being a super villain.  Before Bannister knows what’s going on, Cortez is sprung thanks to his heavily armed crew and is off and running in a souped up Corvette hellbent for Mexico because airplanes and helicopters are for party poopers!

Bannister informs Ray that Cortez and his gunmen are heading straight through Summerton Junction toward the Mexican Border and the small town sheriff and his bumbling deputies should stay out of the way, but Bannister doesn’t know that Sheriff Ray Owens has the power of the Shwarz!


Pictured: A gun. And the Schwarz!

It’s a showdown at dawn as Ray, his deputies, and Dinkum (with the help of his gun collection) take on Cortez and his army who are determined to tear southern Arizona a new one. Can Ray do it? Does he still have what it takes to get the job done? Will he live to see the Downton Abbey season 2 Christmas epsiode?

Fans of vintage action films will love The Last Stand because it’s always good to see Arnold back in the fray kicking butt and taking names. Fans of vintage handbags and purses will not love The Last Stand, because there’s not a single one in the movie. As I said before, it’s about Arnold kicking and taking.

Handbags and purses in an action movie? Not as long as I’m alive, fella!


About Tom Levier

Tom is a New Jersey native who lived in New York City for a while, and is now back in the Garden State. He is creator and writer of Central Park: A Misguide, DVD Critics Corner!, and The Gallows. Please read, comment on, and subscribe to his blogs. It would make him very happy. When not writing, Tom enjoys making jewelry and other handmade items for his shop Cold Garage Creations. Check out his shop on Etsy!

Posted on July 5, 2013, in Action Movies, DVD, Horror, Movie Reviews, Movies, Netflix, Reviews, Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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