Monthly Archives: July 2013

Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangster!

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GANGSTER SQUAD (2013) Director: Ruben Fleisher Starring: Josh Brolin, Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone, and Sean Penn Rating: R for Gunfire, explosions, cussing, and Sean Penn chewing the heck out of the scenery.

I’ve never been to Los Angeles, but from what I’ve learned from years of reading, L.A. is a wonderful utopia overflowing with beautiful people, fabulous sights and sounds, and nonstop fun and excitement. Los Angeles is also the home of showbiz, where hard working, intelligent men and women create sheer magic in the form of the highly entertaining and thought provoking films and TV shows we watch and enjoy every day!

But there was a time not very long ago when gun toting gangsters ruled the city of angels, turning the streets into warzones and the warzones into battlefields. So who ya gonna call to clean things up make L.A. safe for decent, honest movie stars?

Gangster Squad!

In 1949, Mickey Cohen’s mob controls L.A. with an iron fist. Anyone who gets in Cohen’s way is brutally eliminated in ways that would make Leatherface lose his lunch.  Mickey Cohen is played by master thespian Sean Penn, who gets into character by putting on a fake nose and copying Robert DeNiro’s performance in The Untouchables. 

Beleaguered LAPD Chief Parker (Nick Nolte in a brief non crazy cameo) knows the only way to battle Cohen’s gang is to be as ruthless as Cohen is, so he asks straight arrow police detective John “Sarge” O’Mara (Josh Brolin and his lantern jaw) to put together a gang of his own to beat bad guys first and ask questions later.

Sarge hand picks a band of rogue cops who each bring their own special talents to the Gangster Squad:

Jerry Wooters (Ryan Gosling), a world weary cop who likes dames as much as he likes being handsome.

Max Kennard (Robert Patrick), an “old timer” who wears an old timey cowboy hat carries an old timey six shooter.

Ramirez (Michael Pena), a young Mexican cop and Kennard’s protege.

Harris (Anthony Mackie), a tough beat cop who is really good with a knife.

Keeler (Giovani Ribisi), an expert on electronics and surveillance.

Sarge’s gangbusters put the hurt on Cohen’s criminal empire, busting up their gambling parlors and intercepting dope shipments. This enrages Cohen who like every mob kingpin has a huge problem with nosy cops who want him to stop robbing and murdering innocent people.  And the less Cohen knows about handsome Wooters diddling his girlfriend Grace (Emma Stone) the better. Never date a mob kingpin’s girlfriend! That’s like the number one rule of dating! The Match.com website has a whole page about it!

Things build to a tense climax when Cohen goes after the families of O’Mara’s crusaders, and O’Mara answers back with an all out assault on Cohen and his army at the landmark Park Plaza Hotel, where gangsters check in but they don’t check out!

The events of Gangster Squad have been depicted in other (sometimes better) movies, so the whole flick has a been there done that kind of feel. But if watching a bunch of attractive A-list stars wearing period costumes and firing machine guns at Sean Penn is what you’re into, you can’t go wrong with renting this movie and spending an evening with Sarge and his Gangster Squad.

You can go very wrong with firing machine guns at Sean Penn in real life. That will only make him mad.  Have you seen what he does to people who only want to shoot his picture? Not pretty.

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More Movie News!

RYAN GOSLING’S HANDSOMENESS FELLS FILM CREW
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Hollywood – Production was halted on the set of Ryan Goslings latest movie on Monday when six members of the film crew were overcome by the incredible handsomeness of the famous star and had to be rushed to a nearby hospital.

According to eyewitnesses, three production assistants, a makeup artist, and two grips were apparently standing in close proximity to the actor between a take and were rendered unconscious by Gosling’s amazing jawline and steely blue eyes. Always the gentleman, Gosling helped tend to the fallen crew members until paramedics arrived.

They are all expected to make a full recovery.

 “This happens quite a bit during the filming of a Ryan Gosling movie, especially with people who have never worked with him before,” a production executive stated to the press outside the hospital. “They simply do not understand how damn good looking this man is. We’ve advised everyone in the cast and on the crew to refrain from looking at Ryan for any extended periods of time. Also, they are not to stand very close to him, since his handsomeness also gives off a powerful aura. That aura alone nearly killed a camera operator who was working with him on Drive.

A representative for the very handsome Gosling said that Ryan is very sorry for what happened, and is sending each of the affected crew members a Crabtree and Evelyn gift basket and an autographed copy of The Notebook Blu Ray/DVD combo pack.

May The Schwarz Be With You!

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THE LAST STAND (2012) Director: Kim-Jee Wong  Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Forrest Whitaker, Johnny Knoxville, Jaimie Alexander, Luis Guzman Rating: R for graphic violence, bad language, and Arnold kicking it old school!

Move over Avengers. Stand aside Statham. Park it, Fast and Furious guys. The first name in action movies is back from a long hiatus, and he’s ready to take back his seat at the top of the action movie heap. That’s right film fans, Arnold Schwarzenegger is back!

After years of bringing growth and prosperity to the untamed wilds of California, Arnold has returned to the world of cinema, and he’s going to show this new generation of action stars who the boss is. And it aint Tony freakin Danza!

Arnold’s first starring vehicle in over a decade is the High Noon inspired The Last Stand, and it’s got everything you’d expect from a classic Schwarzenegger action flick, plus car chases and the guy from Jackass!

It’s like the movie studio read my dream journal!

In The Last Stand, Arnold plays Ray Owens, easy going sheriff of a small boarder town in Arizona. Ray and his deputies have little to do in Summerton Junction, which is your typical sleepy desert movie town: dusty streets, rusty signs blowing in the wind, and colorful comic relief  locals like Lewis Dinkum (Johnny Knoxville) who has more guns than most third world armies.

 With most of the residents of Summerton Junction out of town for a high school football game, Ray hopes to have a quiet day off drinking tea and watching all of those Downton Abbey episodes clogging up the DVR. But this is a movie, so you know things are about to get mucho fugly.

Later that evening in Las Vegas, no nonsense FBI agent John Bannister (Forrest Whitaker) is transferring a vicious criminal to prison in a heavily armed convoy. Unfortunately, the prisoner is drug cartel kingpin Gabriel Cortez (Eduardo Noriega), who is cunning, ruthless, and one hollowed out mountain fortress away from being a super villain.  Before Bannister knows what’s going on, Cortez is sprung thanks to his heavily armed crew and is off and running in a souped up Corvette hellbent for Mexico because airplanes and helicopters are for party poopers!

Bannister informs Ray that Cortez and his gunmen are heading straight through Summerton Junction toward the Mexican Border and the small town sheriff and his bumbling deputies should stay out of the way, but Bannister doesn’t know that Sheriff Ray Owens has the power of the Shwarz!

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Pictured: A gun. And the Schwarz!

It’s a showdown at dawn as Ray, his deputies, and Dinkum (with the help of his gun collection) take on Cortez and his army who are determined to tear southern Arizona a new one. Can Ray do it? Does he still have what it takes to get the job done? Will he live to see the Downton Abbey season 2 Christmas epsiode?

Fans of vintage action films will love The Last Stand because it’s always good to see Arnold back in the fray kicking butt and taking names. Fans of vintage handbags and purses will not love The Last Stand, because there’s not a single one in the movie. As I said before, it’s about Arnold kicking and taking.

Handbags and purses in an action movie? Not as long as I’m alive, fella!