Monthly Archives: May 2013
KATHERINE HEIGL, MOVIES FINALLY CALL IT QUITS
(Hollywood) After several tumultuous years full of mediocre romantic comedies and disappointing box office returns, the movie industry and actress Katherine Heigl have amicably decided to end their relationship.
“While we love and respect Miss Heigl, things simply weren’t working out with us,” the movie industry said in a brief interview on Monday morning. “We ask the media to respect ours and Miss Heigl’s privacy during this difficult time.”
People close with Miss Heigl and movies are not surprised with the breakup, sighting several incidents which strained a relationship that was shaky from the beginning. “Things with Katherine and movies were never that great,” one friend revealed. “I’m amazed they were able to stay together after The Ugly Truth and Killers. And Life as We Know It? We thought it would be the end of them right there. How they were able to work things out after that, we’ll never know.”
Another insider believes things were really over between the troubled couple after the disastrous 2012 comedy One for the Money where Miss Heigl played a wise cracking bounty hunter. “Oh God, no relationship could survive after that crapfest,” an anonymous friend sniffed. “You can tell it was over between them, but neither one of them would admit it. I’m glad the movie industry finally put a stop to this before more innocent film fans were hurt.”
Representatives for Miss Heigl said that while she is upset over the breakup she is hopeful things will bounce back for her very soon. “Katherine is still on fairly good terms with her last ex, the Television Industry. Maybe they can work things out and get back together for a new series or an original movie on Lifetime. Keep your fingers crossed!”
RED DAWN (2012) Director: Dan Bradley Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Josh Peck, Adrianne Palicki, Josh Hutcherson, Jeffrey Dean Morgan Rating: PG-13 for violence, explosions, and freckle faced, all-American kids kicking ass!
Good day students!
It’s Tom, Professor of DVD theory here at DVD Critics Community College. I hope your semester is going well, and your DVD studies are progressing as best as can be expected for a student who attends a university that advertises on Craigslist.
The school year is almost over, and all of you should be hard at work preparing for final exams. I have it from a reliable source that the test for you Advanced Jason Statham students is going to be a tough one, so crack open those DVDs and get watching!
In the meantime, here’s something for the rest of you to get your brain bits firing on all cylinders; a brief quiz about the last movie I watched – the 2012 actioner Red Dawn!
1. Tom watched Red Dawn because:
A) He is a big fan of the original Red Dawn and was anxious to see how the remake updated the characters,setting, and plot.
B) He enjoys action films that have an interesting “what if” story.
C) Some selfish person who shall remain nameless erased the season finale of Glee from the DVR!
2. Red Dawn tells the story of a group of young people who fight back when their city is invaded by:
A) Chinese paratroopers
B) North Korean guerillas
C) Jersey Shore guidos
3. Leading the young Wolverines in their struggle for freedom is Chris Hemsworth. Hemsworth:
A) Has made a name for himself in the last few years with films such as Cabin in the Woods and Snow White and the Huntsman.
B) Will reprise his role as Thor in the upcoming Marvel adventure Thor: The Dark World.
C) Is way too good looking.
D) Seriously have you seen this guy? I’m not gay or anything, but he is one tall drink of water. It’s kinda not fair that one man is that attractive. He seems like a decent, down to earth guy in the interviews I’ve read. Great. He’s good looking and humble! That’s so not fair. What were we talking about?
4. Adrianne Palicki plays Toni, a hard fighting member of the Wolverines. Toni is vital to the team because:
A) She’s dedicated to bringing freedom to her town just like the others.
B) Is a crack shot and is good in a firefight.
C) Um… Look, she’s good for the team, okay?
5. The original Red Dawn is best know for:
A) Being the first film released with the new PG-13 rating.
B) Making the Guinness Book of World Records for being the most violent movie (at that time).
C) The only time Charlie Sheen was sober on a movie set.
D) All of the above.
6.The movie asks many questions. The most important one being:
A) Could a foreign army successfully invade the United States?
B) Would you have the courage to take up arms and fight to save your home?
C) That kid is Tom Cruise’s son?
7. What did we learn from this updated version of a classic 80’s action movie?
A) The original Red Dawn is still a solid action movie/drama.
B) Remakes of classic 80’s action movies are never as good as the original.
C) Adrianne Palicki buys her wife beaters at Gap Kids.
Please pass your answers forward, and I’ll grade them sometime between tomorrow and never. Thank you.
THE MAN WITH THE IRON FISTS (2012) Director: RZA Starring: RZA, Lucy Liu, Rick Yune, Jamie Chung, and Russell Crowe Rating: R for graphic violence, bad language, sexy ladies, and bad voice dubbing.
It’s funny; as much as I love movies with lots of martial arts type action, I don’t like martial arts movies.
You know the ones I’m referring to: those low budget kung fu movies from the 60’s and 70’s with the poorly dubbed dialogue and over the top sound effects? Not a fan.
When I was a kid those flicks were on every Saturday afternoon on some local TV station, but I never watched them. Truth be told, I was into other things as a kid, like baseball, Star Wars, and solving mysteries with my older brother Frank Hardy and our neighbor Nancy Drew. I had a wonderful childhood.
Anyway, hip-hop artist extraordinaire RZA so adores the martial arts film genre that he (with some help from Quentin Tarantino and Eli Roth) co-wrote, directed, and stars in The Man with the Iron Fists, a tribute to the kung fu films of old with elaborate fight scenes, a plot that is barely understandable, and more asian people flying through the air than the Shanghai Skydiving Academy.
In a Chinese village called Jungle Village, the Lion Clan and the Hyena Clan spend the days fighting each other and the nights dreaming of fighting each other. The gangs bludgeon their opponents with amazing weapons forged by the Blacksmith (RZA) who has come to terms with the fact that his weapons are prolonging a war in his town and he is the only black man in 19th century China. Blacksmith’s girlfriend Lady Silk (Jamie Chung) works at the local brothel as a waitress.
Did I say waitress? Sorry, that’s not right. Lady Silk is a huge prostitute.
Blacksmith hopes to save up enough money to buy Lady Silk’s freedom from brothel owner Madam Blossom (Lucy Liu) so he can marry the huge prostitute, but things get complicated when the Lion clan kills their leader Gold Lion and steals a huge shipment of government gold that passes through the village. Soon all heck breaks out as the Lion and Hyena clan fight over the gold, which attracts Gold Lion’s son Zen-Yi (Rick Yune) who wants to avenge his Father’s death, a huge invincible killer for hire who’s made of brass for some reason, and an English mercenary who’s played by Russell Crowe for some reason. Zen-Yi, Blacksmith, and Jack (Crowe) join forces to retrieve the gold before the clans kill each other and every innocent bystander and the Emperor’s army arrives to take back their gold and level the village.
Things build to a pretty big climax as every main character squares off against every other main character in a highly choreographed orgy of kung fu type violence. Blacksmith most notably makes things right against his enemies with his ultimate weapon, a set of badass iron fists that look like they were purchased from Gene Simmons’ garage sale.
The Man with the Iron Fists is a pretty spot on homage to the martial arts movies of old if you’re into the martial arts movies of old.
As I stated earlier, I’m not.
Soooooo….I guess we’re done with this review. Hmm. What should we talk about now? Have you seen Iron Man 3 yet? Any big plans for the summer? Do you know anything about rashes?