Movies based on Comic Books I want to Punch in the Face!

Okay show of hands, who loves movies based on comic books?

If you raised your hand, I thank you for playing along. You are a mensch.

If you didn’t, that’s okay. I guess you’re too cool to humor an old man who has so little in life. Who also may be coming down with a cold. I hope you’re happy.

Anyway, in a few days another installment of one of the greatest comic book movie franchises ever: Iron Man 3 will hit the multiplexes.  Throw in a brand new Superman movie (Man Of Steel) and another movie starring everyone’s favorite X Man Wolverine (The Wolverine) and the summer of 2013 is chock full of exciting superhero films that will make hardcore fans and casual movie goers across the world jump for joy.

But as we all know, in the world of movies, they all can’t be gems. For every blockbuster, there’s a box office bomb. For every hit, there is a dud. For every Dark Knight, there is a Ghost Rider. And a Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance. What I’m trying to say, is the Ghost Rider movies sucked on toast. But they are (sadly) not alone. There have been many cringe worthy comic book films over the last few decades, movies that I would gladly give a sock to the chops if they were standing right in front of me and had a face I could sock. Let’s take a look at a few of these sockable films:

CatwomanCATWOMAN (2004)

On paper, Catwoman had three things any red blooded comic book fan would want in a movie: 1) Halle Berry. 2) Halle Berry dressed like a Pussycat Doll. And 3) Halle Berry dressed like a Pussycat Doll and carrying a whip. But amazingly those things couldn’t prevent this movie from dropping the ball of string big time. Not even Sharon Stone’s triumphant return from oblivion to play the diabolical villainess Laurel Hedare could save this turkey. Good thing Miss Berry still had her Storm costume in the closet.

the-spirit-20090409053906137-000THE SPIRIT  (2008)

“My city screams,” the masked crime fighter known as The Spirit says at the beginning of the film. I know how the city feels. I started screaming about ten minutes into this movie and didn’t stop until the DVD was ripped from the DVD player and crushed onto a fine powder thanks to dozens of blows from a ball peen hammer. Awful, awful movie. You know what? Two punches in the face for The Spirit! My blog, my rules.

captain america

CAPTAIN AMERICA (1990)

Think Captain America’s first big screen appearance was the 2011 blockbuster Captain America: The First Avenger? WRONG!!! Sorry, I’m still a bit angry about The Spirit. Jeez, what a terrible movie. Anyway, Cap’s first big screen adventure was way back in 1990, when Captain America barely hit the theaters. See, a few decades ago the movie rights to a lot of superhero characters were pretty much up for grabs to anyone who felt like making a comic book movie, so the guys behind the Cannon movie empire produced this low budget cheapfest. How cheap was it? It was filmed in Yugoslavia!  Cap’s headpiece featured plastic ears! It was filmed in  Yugoslavia! Comic book fans should have known not to expect a lot from a movie prodced by the guy who brought you the break dancing sagas Breakin’ and Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. 

jonah-hex-movie-poster

JONAH HEX (2010)

Jonah Hex is basically Ghost Rider with horses, which means this movie also sucks on toast, but with horses. This supernatural western dud co-stars former Transformers  hottie Megan Fox, who has had so much plastic surgery she’s starting to look like Kira the Gelfling from The Dark Crystal:

gelfling

Am I right? It’s weird, huh?

And finally:

Daredevil-Wallpaper-daredevil-1598962-1024-768

DAREDEVIL (2003)

Ben Affleck in a red leather gimp suit. Ew.

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About Tom Levier

Tom is a New Jersey native who lived in New York City for a while, and is now back in the Garden State. He is creator and writer of Central Park: A Misguide, DVD Critics Corner!, and The Gallows. Please read, comment on, and subscribe to his blogs. It would make him very happy. When not writing, Tom enjoys making jewelry and other handmade items for his shop Cold Garage Creations. Check out his shop on Etsy! https://www.etsy.com/shop/ColdGarageCreations

Posted on April 29, 2013, in Action Movies, DVD, Fantasy, Humor, Movie Reviews, Movies, Netflix, Reviews and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. I must confess, I haven’t seen any of these (though that sounds like it’s probably a good thing!) 😉

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