Four Score and Seven Vampires Ago…

DF_35177 - Benjamin Walker stars as ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER (2012) Director: Timur Bekmambetov Starring: Benjamin Walker, Dominic Cooper, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Anthony Mackie Rating: R for gore, violence, ugly beards, and horrific stovepipe hats.

What’s not to like about Abraham Lincoln?

The speeches, the beard, the whole freeing the slaves thing;  Honest Abe was, as one historian I just made up put it – off the hizzle.

Hollywood released two big screen movies about Lincoln 2012: one a historical drama called Lincoln directed by the legendary Steven Spielberg which chronicles Lincoln’s struggles to end the bloody Civil War and rebuild a nation, and another one entitled Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, which features our 16th President beheading blood sucking vampires with an ax.

Sorry Mr. Spielberg, I’m going to go with the second movie here. It has vampires! And an ax! How can I say no? You don’t you know me at all, do you?

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter opens with a young Lincoln reading his books and doing 19th century stuff with his Mom and Dad, who think their son is just awesome. Sadly, the awesomeness is shattered when Abe witnesses oily plantation owner Jack Barts (Marton Csokas) murder his mother in her sleep.

Years later, and adult Lincoln (Benjamin Walker, who looks more like Liam Neeson than Liam Neeson does) confronts Barts with a gun, only to find out that Barts is actually a blood sucking Vampire, a creature that can jump really high, vanish into thin air, and beat the crap out of future presidents with little effort. Before the battered Abe becomes a midnight snack, he is saved from Barts by Henry Sturges (Dominic Cooper) who nurses him back to health, tells him all about vampires, and through the magic of a movie montage turns Abe Lincoln: gentleman scholar  into Abe Lincoln: ax wielding vampire chopper!

Please note: This didn’t actually happen to Lincoln. I looked it up on two websites and called my niece who reads a lot of history books and she verified it. Didn’t. Happen.

Anyhoo, Lincoln winds up in Springfield Illinois, studying law and wooing local beauty Mary Todd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) by day and beheading local vampires by night. Mary can’t understand why her boyfriend often shows up for their dates bruised and carrying a blood soaked ax, but Abe seems nice and since won’t be invented for another 150 years, she decides to stick with him.

Unfortunately Lincoln learns the vampire problem in the U.S. is too big him and his mentor Sturges to handle. It turns out the southern states are swarming with undead bloodsuckers under the command of Adam (Rufus Sewell), New Orleans plantation owner and unofficial president of the vampires. When he learns the slaves are being used as the vampires’ main food supply, Lincoln becomes something more dangerous and fearsome than 100 vampire slayers – A POLITICIAN!   

Years later Lincoln becomes President, which sets off the Civil War between the North and the vampire ridden South. When the Confederate Army turns vampire troops on the Union soldiers, Abe realizes it’s time to dust off the ax and give Adam and his vampire minions a Gettysburg Address they’ll never forget!

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is loaded with everything you want in a biopic about a famous public figure: highly choreographed fight scenes, lots of CG blood spurting everywhere, and actors wearing period costumes and talking in old timey accents.

I hope other screenwriters and film makers are working on more of these “mashup” style movies featuring our nation’s presidents. Here are a few suggestions of my own:

Thomas Jefferson and The Pirates from Mars!

Millard Fillmore: Psychokinetic Spy!

Theodore Roosevelt: Mummy Puncher!

John F. Kennedy and the Cuban Missile Crisis with Dragons!

Bill Clinton Meets The Goonies!

Get cracking, Hollywood!


About Tom Levier

Tom is a New Jersey native who lived in New York City for a while, and is now back in the Garden State. He is creator and writer of Central Park: A Misguide, DVD Critics Corner!, and The Gallows. Please read, comment on, and subscribe to his blogs. It would make him very happy. When not writing, Tom enjoys making jewelry and other handmade items for his shop Cold Garage Creations. Check out his shop on Etsy!

Posted on January 7, 2013, in Action Movies, DVD, Fantasy, Horror, Movie Reviews, Movies, Netflix, Reviews, Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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