Monthly Archives: December 2012
I love Christmas.
Since most of you in the WordPress community don’t know me personally, and have never seen me celebrate Christmas, you’ll just have to take my word for it.
I love Christmas.
I love decorating the tree, giving and receiving gifts, and enjoying the warm feeling the festivities of the season brings to my heart. And of course nothing puts me in the Christmas spirit like a good Christmas movie!
Dozens and dozens of movies have been made about Christmas over the years; some are timeless classics, and some are… well, some are just awful. They don’t make me want to deck the halls, they make me want to deck someone. I know that’s not in keeping with the Christmas spirit, but you brought this on yourself, awful Christmas movie.
Here are some Christmas movies I would like to kiss under the mistletoe with my fist.
Frosty Returns (1995)
Okay, Frosty Returns isn’t a feature length movie, but it is shown annually this time of year, and I hate it. Not only is it a charmless followup to the 1969 classic Frosty The Snowman, it’s played up as the sequel to that Rankin/Bass holiday favorite, when everyone knows Frosty’s Winter Wonderland (1976) is considered by most Christmas special aficionados to be the official sequel. And for some reason Jonathan Winters plays a man who is as big as a snowflake. Fa la la la la, la la la lame.
Every modern retelling of A Christmas Carol that is not Scrooged (1988)
We all know the story. A jerky miser is visited by spirits and learns the true meaning of Christmas. Over the years Hollywood has tried to remake A Christmas Carol with a modern twist, and they got it right once with Scrooge starring the incomparable Bill Murray. Then the TV networks made more remakes of the Dickens classic because cable channels need to fill up program space and they secretly hate us. I’ve noticed many of these remakes feature a female Scrooge:
A Carol Christmas (2003) A bitchy talk show host (Tori Spelling) is visited by spirits and learns the true meaning of Christmas.
A Divas Christmas Carol (2000) A bitchy pop star (Vanessa Williams)is visited by spirits and learns the true meaning of Christmas.
Ebbie (1995) A bitchy department store owner (Susan Lucci) is visited by spirits and learns the true meaning of Christmas.
None of these movies feature Bill Murray learning the true meaning of Christmas, so they suck. Granted, A Carol Christmas has the truly awesome William Shatner, so it doesn’t suck as much as the others. But it stars Tori Spelling. And we’re back to suck.
Santa Baby (2006) and Santa Baby 2 (2009)
I can think of two reasons why Jenny McCarthy became famous. And these movies are not them. Plus, these movies borrow their title from Santa Baby, a 1953 Christmas song that makes me very uncomfortable. I don’t want to talk about it.
Jack Frost (1998)
Many Christmas movies have a similar theme; through the magic of the holidays a ne’er do well learns what’s really important in life and reconnects with the ones he/she has wronged. Struggling musician Jack Frost (Michael Keaton) never has time for his wife and kid, then one snowy Christmas Eve he perishes in a car accident and is reincarnated as:
A FRIGHTENING ABOMINATION FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL ITSELF!
Seriously? A dead man’s spirit possessing a freakish CGI snowman? You know what else really gets me into the holiday spirit – reading aloud obituaries on Christmas morning as my loved ones are opening their presents! How depressing.
And speaking of depressing:
Aaaaaand, I’m done with this. If anyone needs me, I’ll be having a good long cry in the bathtub.
Merry Christmas from DVD Critics Corner!
Well folks, 2012 is drawing to a close.
It’s been a wonderful year here at DVD Critics Corner, a year full of movies, and…stuff.
Remember when that thing happened? Wow. What fun that was, huh?
Okay, I’m not good at looking back nostalgically. What I am good at is making lists featuring movie characters I think are cool. Characters you would want on your side when the spit hits the spam; who will watch your back when the bad guys have you cornered. Characters who will avenge your death because you’re probably the weakest link in the supergroup you’ve assembled, and will probably buy it during battle.
Sorry. You’re just not a badass.
Anyhoo, here’s the last list of movie characters you want on your side for 2012. Pardon me while I wipe away a tear.
Occupation: Intergalactic smugglers, Princess Rescuers
As Seen In: The Star Wars movies, Episodes 4-6
Pros: Not afraid to shoot at Sith Lords. Cons: Chewie always wants off on Life Day.
The Deal: When restoring freedom to the galaxy, you need three things – some Jedi, two droids, and a couple of guys with a ship. And not just any ship mind you, we’re talking the Millennium Falcon, with 0.5 lightspeed capabilities, quad laser cannons, and a sweet holographic chess table in the lounge. And who pilots the fastest ship in the galaxy? Captain Han Solo. A man who sees an asteroid field and hits the “hell yeah” switch. And let’s not forget his right hand Wookie Chewbacca: ace co-pilot, master mechanic, and fur covered badass. I’m not saying Han and Chewie could overthrow the entire Galactic Empire by themselves, but they could overthrow the entire Galactic Empire by themselves.
Shining Moment: Not flushing Threepio out of an airlock while trying to avoid capture in The Empire Strikes Back. Threepio was one whiny robot.
Occupation: Caped Crusader
As Seen In: A bunch of movies with Batman and/or Dark Knight in the Title.
Pros: Unsurpassed detective skills, master of hand to hand combat, filthy rich. Cons: Bit of a loaner, always sounds like he has laryngitis.
The Deal: Nobody tops Batman when it comes to laying a beatdown on criminals. Why is Bats so awesome? Aside from having the sweetest costume in the Justice League (sorry Apache Chief), Batman has the coolest stuff in the biz. From grapple guns to the Batmobile, the man has it all the best gadgets. He’s like a Sharper Image catalog, minus the stupid air purifiers.
Shining Moment: Keeping Gotham City safe even when Joel Schumacher ran the movie franchise into the ground.
Occupation: Honorably Discharged U.S. Army Special Forces Soldier
As Seen In: First Blood, Rambo: First Blood Part II, Rambo III, Rambo
Pros: He kills. Period! Cons: He’s moody. Period!
The Deal: If you’re short on cash and can’t hire an army for your secret covert op, don’t worry, because Rambo is all the army you need. Rambo is deadly with firearms, a helicopter, a bow and arrow and of course his giant survival knife. Man was that thing cool. It had a compass in the handle, and it was hollow so could store things in it; important survival stuff like string and one of those foil blankets I guess. I’m not much of a survivalist. I burst into tears when I can’t find my car keys.
Shining Moment: Shooting up the computer command center at the climax of First Blood Part II. You suck, dot matrix printing technology!
Occupation: Assassin, Covert S.H.I.E.L.D. Operative
As Seen In: Iron Man 2, The Avengers
Pros: Highly skilled secret agent and killer. Cons: Dude, there is no way you’ll ever score with her. Just put it out of your mind.
The Deal: If you look up femme fetale on Wikipedia, there’s a good chance a photo of Agent Romanoff killing some bad guys will pop up. Well, there will be a photo of her there when I get done editing that page. Romanoff held her own alongside Captain America, Hulk, and the other good guys in that huge battle with the Chitauri the end of The Avengers, and without a high tech armored suit or a hammer from the Gods to protect her exquisite fanny, so she gets mega props in the bravery department. And since she’s practically second in command at S.H.I.E.L.D, she can probably hook you up with a ride on the helicarrier. I wonder if they have a pool on that thing?
Shining Moment: Singlehandedly beating the crap out of a hallway full of armed guards in Iron Man 2. She can pummel me unconscious any day. Sorry, I’m into things like that.
Occupation: Inspector, San Francisco Police Department
As Seen In: Dirty Harry, Magnum Force, The Enforcer, Sudden Impact, The Dead Pool
Pros: Have you seen the size of his gun? Cons: His partners have the life span of a counselor at Camp Crystal Lake.
The Deal: Punks and criminals had better run for cover when Inspector Harry Callahan is on the case! Actually, everyone in the greater San Francisco area should run for cover because Dirty Harry doesn’t mind wrecking a few cars, some stores and restaurants, and a few beloved city landmarks to bring the bad guys to justice. Hey, you want shiny, happy, destruction free justice, call those wusses at Law & Order! Think Jerry Orbach ever killed a guy with a harpoon gun? Heck no! That’s a signature Dirty Harry move, fella!
Shining Moment: I know what you’re thinking. “Did he fire six shots or only five?” Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?
Honorable Mention: Go ahead. Make my day.
Happy Holidays, punks!
Click here to read part two of Movie Characters You Want on Your Side. Always.
Click here to read part one. Punks.