I Kick, Therefore I Am!

SAFE (2012) Director: Boaz Yakin Starring: Jason Statham, Catherine Chan, James Hong, Robert John Burke, Chris Sarandon Rating: R for bad language, graphic violence, and just the right amount of kicking. 

Ever since the 2002 flick The Transporter, Jason Statham has become one of the biggest action stars in the movie world. How did Jason become so gosh darn popular?

Is it his rugged looks? His accent? His intense, brooding acting style?

Nope. It’s the kicking. The man is just aces at kicking people! And to the satisfaction of fans everywhere Statham has starred in several movies that have showcased his amazing kicking powers.

Except the Bank Job, which was painfully devoid of any kicking whatsoever. It must have been hard for Jason to act in such a non-kicking movie :

Director – Okay Jason, in this scene you are telling your friends about a bank heist…

Jason Statham – Yeah, and then I kick both of them in the head.

Director – No Jason, you don’t kick them, you’re just talking.

Jason Statham – Right. So I punch that guy and…

Director – No Jason. In this scene you’re planning the heist…

Jason Statham – And then I kick them?

Director – Okay, Let’s take lunch everyone!

Lucky for us, the movie in todays review is chock full of Statham doing what he does best: introducing bad guys to his two best friends, Gordon Rightfoot and Lisa “Left Foot” Lopez.

I’m not sure if Jason Statham has names for his feet, but I’m guessing he does.

In Safe Statham plays Luke Wright, a poor New Yorker who’s having such a terrible year, even the Mets make fun of him.

When Luke’s victory in the ultimate fighting arena costs a vicious Russian mob kingpin lots of money, he writes a strongly worded letter to Luke voicing his displeasure with the outcome of the fight. Just kidding! Russian mob thugs take revenge by killing Luke’s wife and forcing him to live the rest of his life with killers looking over his shoulder, ready to off anyone he makes more than casual conversation with.

Basically the Russian mob is like the psychotic ex-boyfriend from one of those Lifetime  TV movies.

Meanwhile, adorable little Chinese girl Mei (Catherine Chan) is having an especially craptacular year of her own. Held prisoner by the Chinese Triad gang because of her talent for remembering every number she sees, Mei is forced by the Triad’s boss (James Hong) to memorize a special sequence of numbers that the Russian Mob wants to get their hands on. When the Russkies attack Mei’s guards, she escapes the ambush and runs into one of the safest places in New York City: the subway!

As Luke contemplates stepping in front of an oncoming train, he spots Mei running from the same Russian jerks who have made his life hell for the past 12 months, and decides moping is for losers and kicking bad guys is for winners! Luke grabs Mei and the two are off and running with the Triads, the Russian mob, and an bunch of corrupt cops on their trail, all of whom want little Mei alive and big Luke deader than sequel plans for The Love Guru

Think Luke is in over his manly bald head? Not to worry, folks. It turns out Luke isn’t just a disgraced cage fighter turned homeless drifter. He’s an ex-NYPD special ops guy who years earlier waged a secret war against the city’s most notorious creeps and scumbags; and I’m not talking about the guys in Ed Hardy shirts who wear too much Axe bodyspray. The evil and corrupt Mayor (Chris Sarandon), who was Luke’s boss in the old days is not too happy that his former personal assassin is back and turning lower Manhattan into Dodge City, thus ruining his plans to be even more evil and corrupt.

I’m not going to give away any more details of the story, but if you think for a minute that Statham is going to let a helpless little girl fall into the hands of bloodthirsty gangsters, then you my friend do not believe in the power of positive kicking!

Safe is like a deluxe 40 oz. Whitman’s Sampler, but instead of chocolate it’s packed with a delicious assortment of car chases, gun battles, throat punches, head butts, groin smashes, and of course kicking. Lots and lots of kicking.

Jason Statham should be proud of all the kicking he did in this movie.

God knows I am.

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About Tom Levier

Tom is a New Jersey native who lived in New York City for a while, and is now back in the Garden State. He is creator and writer of Central Park: A Misguide, DVD Critics Corner!, and The Gallows. Please read, comment on, and subscribe to his blogs. It would make him very happy. When not writing, Tom enjoys making jewelry and other handmade items for his shop Cold Garage Creations. Check out his shop on Etsy! https://www.etsy.com/shop/ColdGarageCreations

Posted on September 21, 2012, in Action Movies, Crime Drama, DVD, Humor, Movie Reviews, Movies, Netflix, Reviews and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. I reviewed this bad boy myself and I rather enjoyed it for what it is. The gun play, car chases and fighting were very entertaining and it was cool watching Statham playing opposite a young female actress. Good post!

  2. Thanks for reading!

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