Mars Needs Pants!
John Carter (2012) Director: Andrew Stanton Starring: Taylor Kitsch, Lynn Collins, Willem Defoe, Mark Strong Rating: PG-13 for sci fi violence and hunky shirtless guys doing stuff…
It’s Tom, your DVD Critics Corner pal. You’re looking well. How’s the family? Good.
The summer is drawing to a close, and that means the kids will soon be returning to school for another fun filled year of getting up early and sitting in a classroom. Since sitting in a classroom means taking tons of tests, I thought it would be a hoot if we took a pop quiz featuring questions based on the latest movie I watched – the Disney sci fi adventure John Carter!
So take out a piece of paper and a number two pencil and we’ll get started. Eyes on your own papers please. Lousy cheaters.
1. Tom watched the John Carter DVD because:
A) He enjoys sci-fi and fantasy films.
B) Critics and audiences disliked the movie when it was released earlier this year, so Tom wanted to see for himself if the negative reviews were justified.
C) He couldn’t find his copy of Treasure Buddies.
2. Taylor Kitsch:
A) Plays the title character John Carter, a former civil war soldier turned intergalactic adventurer.
B) Also starred in Battleship, another box office bomb released earlier this year.
C) Should stop using a magic eight ball to help him pick what movies to star in.
3. When John Carter is sucked through an intergalactic portal to Mars he:
A) Discovers he can jump very high because of the planet’s low gravity.
B) Becomes entangled in a centuries old war between two Martian empires.
C) Realizes that pants and shirts are for squares!
D) All of the above.
4. Carter encounters giant warriors known as Tharks who:
A) Have four arms, green skin, and a proud heritage.
B) Are wary of the strange humanoid from another planet, but eventually befriend him.
C) Hate the blue guys from Avatar because they were in a popular movie.
5. Lynn Collins plays Dejah Thoris of the kingdom of Helium:
A) A strong willed Princess who wants her people to live in peace.
B) Who convinces John Carter to fight for a just cause.
C) A chick who buys her clothes from the Xena Warrior Princess collection.
6. While Tom watched John Carter he learned:
A) The movie is based on a series of books written by Edgar Rice Burroughs, who also created Tarzan.
B) The John Carter books have been around for nearly a century, and movie studios have been trying for decades to bring the story to the big screen.
C) The jar of salsa he consumed while watching the movie was in the fridge since Bush was in office, and he should have his stomach pumped immediately.
7. To sum up, Disney’s John Carter:
A) Is full of exciting action sequences and impressive special effects.
B) Was a noble effort by Andrew Stanton and Disney, but a disappointment.
C) Makes you wonder how an entire civilization built massive walking cities and solar powered flying machines, yet never got around to inventing pants.
Send your answers to DVD Critics Corner and your test score will be mailed back to you somewhere between 3 weeks and never. Most likely never.
Posted on August 2, 2012, in Action Movies, DVD, Humor, Movie Reviews, Movies, Netflix, Reviews, Sci Fi Movies, Science Fiction and tagged John Carter, Mars, Taylor Kitsch. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.