Why Are All The Nice Girls Cold Blooded Assassins?

Colombiana (2011) Director: Oliver Megaton Starring: Zoe Saldana, Cliff Curtis,  Michael Vartan Rating: PG-13 for bloody violence and assassins assassinating.

In my review of  Drive I said a getaway driver was the coolest occupation to have in movies.

I stand corrected.

The coolest job to have in any action movie is freelance assassin!

Think about it – there’s lots of travel involved, plenty of guns and other cool things to play with, you collect some major buckage (all in cash) and most important of all, you are your own boss.

Okay, there is a downside to this kickass profession. It’s a very physical job that requires a lot of sneaking around and hiding, plus there’s that whole killing people in cold blood thing, which I would imagine can get kind of messy.

But as we learn in Colombiana (and pretty much every other movie about assassins) 99 percent of an assassin’s targets are scum sucking lowlifes who deserve to be killed anyway, so go right ahead and be a freelance killer. And don’t worry your silly little head when your conscience or some law enforcement agency gives you grief about what you do for a living.

Your parachute is whatever color you want it to be compadre.

In Colombiana, a young girl named Cataleya witnesses the murder of her parents by thugs working for local kingpin Sandoval (Beto Benites) and vows revenge. Years later adult Cataleya, played by red hot mama Zoe Sladana (Avatar, Star Trek) is working in Chicago for her crime boss uncle Emilio (Cliff Curtis) as a hit woman who for some reason has to strip down to her undies whenever she kills people. Unbeknownst to Emilio, Catayela has been secretly picking off every member of Sandoval’s organization she can find when she’s not offing bad guys for him.

Aside from wearing next to nothing while on her dangerous missions, the super slender Cataleya’s specialty is sneaking in and out of heavily fortified places via the ventilation ducts, an impressive feat not to be tried by assassins who can’t fit into a size one cocktail dress.

Cataleya’s most recent hit on a Sandoval associate attracts the attention of FBI agent Ross (Lennie James) and really cheeses off Sandoval, who by this time must be getting tired of going to so many funerals and hiring new henchmen. Complicating things even further is Cataleya’s sensitive artist boyfriend (Michael Vartan) who wants to take their relationship to the next level and apparently doesn’t care that the girl he loves disappears for days on end, never tells him anything about herself, and frequently smells of gunpowder. Our super sweet heroine must remain one step ahead of the law and the bad guys if she wants to live long enough to serve Sandoval a piping hot plate of vengeance, which comes with a side of payback and the non-alcoholic beverage of your choice.

Colombiana may claim to be a straight up action drama, but it asks some pretty interesting chick flick inspired questions: Can a strong upwardly mobile woman juggle the demands of a busy professional and personal life while fulfilling her lifelong quest to enact bloody retribution on the ones who murdered her family? The plot is very familiar to Sex and the City 2, except Colombiana has gunfire, explosions, and young attractive women.


About Tom Levier

Tom is a New Jersey native who lived in New York City for a while, and is now back in the Garden State. He is creator and writer of Central Park: A Misguide, DVD Critics Corner!, and The Gallows. Please read, comment on, and subscribe to his blogs. It would make him very happy. When not writing, Tom enjoys making jewelry and other handmade items for his shop Cold Garage Creations. Check out his shop on Etsy! https://www.etsy.com/shop/ColdGarageCreations

Posted on June 1, 2012, in Action Movies, Crime Drama, DVD, Humor, Movie Reviews, Movies, Netflix, Reviews. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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