Movies I want to Punch in the Face

Ya know, I have a lot of fun here at DVD Critics Corner; watching rented DVDs, absorbing the stories that unfold on screen, and then gently ribbing them in these smartly typed essays. It gives me something to do and keeps me off the streets and for that I thank you, movies.

Sadly, as much as I like to think there is something good  in every movie I watch (even the straight to DVD crappy ones starring former 80’s pop stars), every once in a while one comes along that has no redeeming quality whatsoever. Movies so bad that even I can’t defend them. Movies I want to punch in the face if they had human form, and therefore had a face. Let’s take a look at some of these punch worthy movies:

Delgo (2008)

Hey kids, do you like those Pixar films with the fantastic animation, heartwarming stories, and memorable characters? Well the folks who made Delgo decided to put none of those things in their craptacular movie. Instead, they thought hideous lizard people voiced by Freddie Prinze Jr and Burt Reynolds living in some confusing fantasy world with a story swiped from the Stars Wars and Lord of the Rings films was what movie goers wanted.  They were more wrong then the guy who invented parachute pants. Which I never owned. I tried on a pair at Chess King once. They were not for me.

And speaking of very wrong things:

Arthur (2011)

The 1981 comedy Arthur starring Dudley Moore, Liza Minelli, and John Guilgud is in my humble opinion one of the funniest movies ever made. The 2011 Arthur starring English man-child Russell Brand is a cinematic abomination that made my head hurt. You never mess with, much less remake a classic! Every DVD copy of this movie should be sent to the recycling plant and ground up into tiny pieces, then the pieces should be melted down and made into something useful, like Solo cups or those shopping bags the damn hippies want me to carry my groceries in.

Wagons East (1994)

If Wagons East was human being, an average Joe, a regular guy, I would walk up to him and ask him for the time. Then when he looks at his smart phone, I scream “You killed John Candy,” and coldcock him with a devastating uppercut , sending him ass-first to the sidewalk. Then with Wagons East bleeding at my feet, I head for home and cross another thing off my bucket list.

Rhinestone (1984)

 The early eighties was a glorious time for Sylvester Stallone. The Rocky franchise was three movies deep, and a little character named John Rambo had just taken his first steps toward immortality in First Blood. Stallone was the man. So what was the harm he thought, in having little fun with his next acting gig? Hey, how about a comedy! A comedy where he teams up with buxom country singer/actress/muppet Dolly Parton! A comedy where he sings! A comedy that made people wish movies were never invented! Thankfully, Stallone went right back to action movies the following year, and we fell in love with him all over again. Oh who am I kidding, we never stopped loving you Sly.

And finally..

Every movie Kate Hudson has done since Almost Famous (2000)

Dear Showbiz,

For the love of God, stop encouraging this woman!

Warmest regards,

Tom Levier, DVD Critics Corner

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About Tom Levier

Tom is a New Jersey native who lived in New York City for a while, and is now back in the Garden State. He is creator and writer of Central Park: A Misguide, DVD Critics Corner!, and The Gallows. Please read, comment on, and subscribe to his blogs. It would make him very happy. When not writing, Tom enjoys making jewelry and other handmade items for his shop Cold Garage Creations. Check out his shop on Etsy! https://www.etsy.com/shop/ColdGarageCreations

Posted on May 21, 2012, in DVD, Humor, Movie Reviews, Movies, Netflix, Reviews, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. womanwhowritesstuff

    I was so with you as you *punched through these movies. I was even thinking…wow, I must be just as smart. Then I got to the bottom. I now feel ashamed for liking a couple of Kate Hudson movies. Yikes!

  2. Thank goodness I’m bad at seeing movies and havent had the misfortune of seeing any of these.
    On another note, you should search for Solar Crisis, bc it still stands out in my head as one of the most awesomely bad video-rental-store-worthy movies in the past 10+ years and somehow I want to go through that torture again

  3. I know precisely what you mean here. Not about the specific movies you referenced, but I have a sheer repulsion to movies at all. When my wife wants to get a pay per view I cringe. I can actually feel my blood pressure drop at the mere thought of gambling away two or three hours of my life (which would have been better spent cleaning my toenails and belly button out) in the pursuit of finding even the most rudimentary amount of gratification from this form of media.

    And, when she wants to go out to the movies I, involuntarily, come down with serious health issues that require the intervention of witch doctors – or at least a really good chiropractor.

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