The Gods Must Be Crazy!
Immortals (2011) Director: Tarsem Singh Starring: Henry Cavill, Mickey Rourke, Freida Pinto. Rating: R for graphic violence, CG blood splatter, and shirtless Greek guys.
Remember that scene in the 2010 fantasy/adventure Clash of the Titans when Zeus (Liam Neeson) turns to the camera and says “Release the Kraken,” and the Kraken jumped out of the sea and ate people?
That was awesome times infinity.
Immortals is also an fantasy/action movie featuring Zeus and the other Gods on Mt. Olympus, but instead of Liam Neeson decked out in a Santa Claus beard and shimmering suit of armor, the Zeus in Immortals is played by skinny Welsh actor Luke Evans in a gold miniskirt and adorable matching cape.
And that’s one problem with Immortals. It makes Clash of the Titans look great, when we all know Clash of the Titans wasn’t great.
Except for the above mentioned Kraken attack. But what else do you expect from the Kraken? He’s a phenomenal talent. Always has been. Always will be.
In 1228 BC, average Grecian Theseus (Henry Cavill) lives a simple life with his Mom and a in a village that’s built into the side of a cliff for some reason. I bet their High School has an amazing cliff diving team.
Things turn nasty when evil King Hyperion and his humungous army of extras from The Road Warrior begins marauding their way through the countryside and into Theseus’ village.
Hyperion is played by Mickey Rourke who does his best Marlon Brando/Colonel Kurtz impression while wearing funny helmets.
King Hyperion wants to find the magic Epirus Bow which he will use to free the Titans who were imprisoned in Mount Tartarus so they will destroy the Zeus and his pals. Turns out Hyperion hates the Gods because they wouldn’t save his sick family, who I’m assuming were suffering from pink eye or an ingrown toenail, which was a death sentence in 1228 BC.
Hyperion’s goons capture Theseus and local virgin oracle Phaedra (Freida Pinto), whose psychic powers Hyperion hopes to use to lead him to the magic bow thing. Theseus and the virgin escape Hyperion’s men and with a small group of colorful supporting characters set out to find the bow before Hyperion’s army does and save ancient Greece from total destruction so years later Plato and Socrates could write all of those philosophy books we were supposed to read in that Intro to Philosophy class but didn’t.
The other problem with Immortals is it was made by the same guys who produced the swords and sandals action fest 300, so there’s plenty of slow-mo sword fighting and CG blood spurting all over on a completely CG rendered environment. But where 300 had Gerard Butler kicking some serious Persian ass, Immortals has Gods in gold miniskirts, virgin oracles, Mickey Rourke mumbling his lines, and a magic bow that shoots light saber arrows.
Okay, the light saber arrows were pretty cool.
And why do oracles have to be virgins? I would think the only future event a virgin oracle would want to see was the time when they finally get some.
That reminds me, did you know I was an oracle in High School?
Release the Kraken!