This Was On HBO And I Watched It!

Due to a  Netflix delivery snafu, DVD Critics Corner writer Tom Levier is reviewing a film he just watched on HBO. Actually, there was no problem with Netflix. Tom is just a lazy slacker who doesn’t care about you, the humble reader. Stupid jerk. 

The Hitcher (2007) Director: Dave Meyers Starring: Sean Bean, Sophia Bush, Zachary Knighton Rating: R for graphic violence that’s violently graphic.

The 1986 road thriller The Hitcher was a creepy cat and mouse game starring Dutch actor Rutger Hauer as a psycho who torments 80’s movie staple C. Thomas Howell along the sun baked and blood caked highways of the Southwest.

To sum up that movie as quickly as possible, Howell picks up Hauer, Hauer threatens Howell, Howell escapes Hauer, Hauer stalks Howell who is framed for all the killings Hauer commits, Howell and Hauer have a violent showdown and that’s why we don’t pick up hitchhikers.

Yeah, yeah, Motion Picture Industry, we got it the first time…picking up hitchhikers is bad.

All strangers wandering the road on a dark and stormy night are homicidal maniacs, blah blah blah…

Message received loud and clear! Ten four good buddy, over and out…

If you didn’t get the message of the original film twenty five years ago, Hollywood decided to remake The Hitcher in 2007,  in case this new generation with their iPhones and their Instagrams never learned every creepy stranger in a trenchcoat we offer a ride to on a deserted New Mexico highway will cut us up into bite sized pieces before we can say “so where you heading?”

The remake of The Hitcher pretty much follows the original note for note, only this time two young actors are called in to fill C. Thomas Howell’s Nike high tops.
Nubile chicky Sophia Bush (TV’s One Tree Hill, which is still on for some reason) and Zachary Knighton (never heard of him) play a happy as can be couple on their way to spring break who decide living is no fun at all when they agree to give scary loner John Ryder (Sean Bean, who has been in a bunch of movies) while gassing up at the Quik-E-Mart.
Sophia and Zach whimper their way across country as crazy John manages to be one step ahead and behind them, slaughtering everyone these stupid kids talk to while convincing the authorities a 90-pound sorority chick and her greasy haired beau are killing every cop south of the Canadian border.
Like the original movie, police cars flip through the air and explode with the slightest nudge, an eighteen-wheeler is used in a very interesting way, and every single roadside diner has a rusty sign that squeaks in the wind. Oh, and picking up hitchhikers is bad.

Thank you so much for teaching us that valuable lesson. Again!

Seriously, How stupid do you movie people think we are? Picking up a scary hitchhiker is the third most stupid thing a movie character can do!

Number two is spending a weekend at the abandoned Summer Camp where five thousand people have been killed in the last 25 years by a giant with Mommy issues who wears a hockey mask. You might as well chop your own head off with a machete before you set up your tent.

The number one stupid thing a movie character can do is to have Meg Ryan for a girlfriend.
Sure, you’re an affable bastard with a good job and all the love a decent, caring man can offer, but nooooooooo, that isn’t enough for little Miss Perkynose!
Only Tom freaking Hanks will make her life complete!

Man!

What were we talking about?

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About Tom Levier

Tom is a New Jersey native who lived in New York City for a while, and is now back in the Garden State. He is creator and writer of Central Park: A Misguide, DVD Critics Corner!, and The Gallows. Please read, comment on, and subscribe to his blogs. It would make him very happy. When not writing, Tom enjoys making jewelry and other handmade items for his shop Cold Garage Creations. Check out his shop on Etsy! https://www.etsy.com/shop/ColdGarageCreations

Posted on April 11, 2012, in Action Movies, DVD, Horror, Movie Reviews, Movies, Netflix, Reviews. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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