Monthly Archives: April 2012
Once again DVD Critics Corner brings you Movie News, featuring the latest stories straight out of Tinseltown!
MICHAEL BAY TO DIRECT CHUTES AND LADDERS MOVIE!
With the Summer blockbuster Battleship ready to hit theaters on May 18 and Adam Sandler developing Candy Land for Columbia Pictures, movies based on old school board games are hot hot hot in Hollywood!
Now Michael Bay has thrown his hat into the ring when he announced this week he’ll produce and direct a live action adaptation of Milton Bradley’s classic game Chutes and Ladders.
“Chutes and Ladders will be unlike anything you have ever seen before,” Bay said in a press conference at Paramount Pictures on Tuesday. “There’s going to be lots of explosions, long drawn out action scenes with giant CG monsters and robots destroying major cities, and plenty of shots of characters running in slow motion away from the explosions and CG monsters and robots as they destroy major cities. It’s a tremendous departure for me.”
21 Jump Street star Channing Tatum has signed on to play Dr. Cole Steele, a maverick quantum physicist who opens several interdimensional portals during a lab experiment. Through the portals (or chutes, as Cole refers to them) come a fierce race of monsters hell bent on enslaving mankind!
With the help of his particle physicist ex-girlfriend and some brave sentient robots that arrive in our universe through an interdimensional “ladder” also opened up by the botched experiment, Cole must find a way to send the giant otherworldly terrors back where they came from and save the earth!
Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Kate Upton will play Cole’s former flame Dr. Deborah Ashley, a brilliant scientist who according to the script worked her way through Cal Tech as a San Diego Chargers Cheerleader.
Bay had nothing but praise for the beautiful and bodacious Upton. “Kate is going to be a joy to work with. She was a real trooper throughout the entire audition process, which involved me filming her running around in cutoffs and a damp wife beater for hours. What a true professional.”
Look for Chutes and Ladders in your local multiplex in the summer of 2014!
Due to a Netflix delivery snafu, DVD Critics Corner writer Tom Levier is reviewing a film he just watched on HBO. Actually, there was no problem with Netflix. Tom is just a lazy slacker who doesn’t care about you, the humble reader. Stupid jerk.
The Hitcher (2007) Director: Dave Meyers Starring: Sean Bean, Sophia Bush, Zachary Knighton Rating: R for graphic violence that’s violently graphic.
The 1986 road thriller The Hitcher was a creepy cat and mouse game starring Dutch actor Rutger Hauer as a psycho who torments 80’s movie staple C. Thomas Howell along the sun baked and blood caked highways of the Southwest.
To sum up that movie as quickly as possible, Howell picks up Hauer, Hauer threatens Howell, Howell escapes Hauer, Hauer stalks Howell who is framed for all the killings Hauer commits, Howell and Hauer have a violent showdown and that’s why we don’t pick up hitchhikers.
Yeah, yeah, Motion Picture Industry, we got it the first time…picking up hitchhikers is bad.
All strangers wandering the road on a dark and stormy night are homicidal maniacs, blah blah blah…
Message received loud and clear! Ten four good buddy, over and out…
If you didn’t get the message of the original film twenty five years ago, Hollywood decided to remake The Hitcher in 2007, in case this new generation with their iPhones and their Instagrams never learned every creepy stranger in a trenchcoat we offer a ride to on a deserted New Mexico highway will cut us up into bite sized pieces before we can say “so where you heading?”
The remake of The Hitcher pretty much follows the original note for note, only this time two young actors are called in to fill C. Thomas Howell’s Nike high tops.
Nubile chicky Sophia Bush (TV’s One Tree Hill, which is still on for some reason) and Zachary Knighton (never heard of him) play a happy as can be couple on their way to spring break who decide living is no fun at all when they agree to give scary loner John Ryder (Sean Bean, who has been in a bunch of movies) while gassing up at the Quik-E-Mart.
Sophia and Zach whimper their way across country as crazy John manages to be one step ahead and behind them, slaughtering everyone these stupid kids talk to while convincing the authorities a 90-pound sorority chick and her greasy haired beau are killing every cop south of the Canadian border.
Like the original movie, police cars flip through the air and explode with the slightest nudge, an eighteen-wheeler is used in a very interesting way, and every single roadside diner has a rusty sign that squeaks in the wind. Oh, and picking up hitchhikers is bad.
Thank you so much for teaching us that valuable lesson. Again!
Seriously, How stupid do you movie people think we are? Picking up a scary hitchhiker is the third most stupid thing a movie character can do!
Number two is spending a weekend at the abandoned Summer Camp where five thousand people have been killed in the last 25 years by a giant with Mommy issues who wears a hockey mask. You might as well chop your own head off with a machete before you set up your tent.
The number one stupid thing a movie character can do is to have Meg Ryan for a girlfriend.
Sure, you’re an affable bastard with a good job and all the love a decent, caring man can offer, but nooooooooo, that isn’t enough for little Miss Perkynose!
Only Tom freaking Hanks will make her life complete!
What were we talking about?
Drive (2011) Director: Nicolas Winding Refin. Starring: Ryan Gosling, Carey Mulligan, Bryan Cranston, Albert Brooks. Rating: R for cussing, naked boobs, and blood spurting violence.
Do you like going really fast? Do you own a car and some cool driving gloves? Enjoy breaking laws? Well you my friend have all of the qualifications to be a getaway driver, like the protagonist in the 2011 drama Drive!
In the world of crime movies, being a “driver” (the person who chauffeurs criminals to and from their various illegal activities) is the coolest job you can have in the bad guy biz. It’s highly lucrative, the hours are pretty good, and you don’t have to wear a ski mask. Those things take “hat hair” to a whole new level, believe you me.
Time Magazine’s Coolest Person of the Year Ryan Gosling plays an enigmatic man with no name who wears a white satin jacket that looks like it was purchased at that store in the mall that sells throwing stars and ninja swords:
A mechanic/movie stunt driver by day and a getaway car driver by night, “Driver,” as he’s referred to in the credits, is a man of few words. We’re talking very few words. Seriously, he makes Silent Bob look like a livestock auctioneer.
Our nearly mute hero works in a garage owned by Shannon (Bryan Cranston), who gets him stunt gigs for movies and arranges his unlawful nighttime activities as well. Shannon introduces Driver to local crime boss Bernie Rose (Albert Brooks. Yes, Albert Brooks!) who agrees to sponsor Shannon’s stock car with Driver at the wheel, because murderous loan sharks are the perfect guys to go into business with.
Driver befriends his neighbor Irene (Carey Mulligan, an actress who looks like she’s about to burst into tears at any moment) a single Mom who’s ex-con husband Standard (Oscar Isaac) needs to pay off protection money to a local thug or else Irene and his son Benicio are in for a world of hurt. He agrees to help Standard pull off a robbery, and before you can say “don’t do it, Time Magazine’s Coolest Person of the Year” things go impossibly wrong, and Driver finds himself in deep trouble with Bernie and his sleazy brother Nino (Ron Perlman, the hardest working man in showbiz) who want to eliminate Driver and everyone he knows because as I stated before murderous loan sharks are the perfect guys to go into business with! It’s up to the lone driver to make things right and save the girl before she’s sleeping with the fishes.
Drive is a very slick and enjoyable thriller done in the spirit of Michael Mann’s seminal 80’s series Miami Vice, minus the pastel t-shirts and Phillip Michael Thomas. There’s a few brief flashes of gory violence in the movie, but it’s integral to the story. The movie also had some gratuitous nudity that’s not integral to the story, but I’ll allow it because it’s gratuitous nudity. I’m single and I get about as much action as a Quaker. Don’t judge me.