Movie Characters You Want On Your Side. Always. The Sequel!
There’s an old proverb that says “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Give a man a team of ass kicking movie characters and he won’t need a fish, because he’ll be too busy kicking ass.”
I’m pretty sure that’s how it goes.
Anyway, a few months ago DVD Critics Corner! created a list of famous movie heroes you’d want to go into battle with. Since I had so much fun creating that list, I decided to do a sequel!
Please note: Like most sequels, this installment is probably not as good as the first one, and I’m doing it strictly for the paycheck.
Here’s another list of totally awesome movie characters you’d want on your side:
Name: John Matrix
Occupation: Colonel, Special Forces (retired)
Movie Appearances: Commando (1985)
Pros: Freakishly strong, great catchphrases. Cons: Stay at home dad.
The Deal: Did you know the Boy Scouts have a “Human Killing Machine” merit badge? They don’t. But if they did, Matrix would have three. When a vicious Central American Dictator kidnaps his daughter, Matrix single handedly mows down everyone who gets in his way to get her back. Let’s hope his darling daughter remembers that the next time she whines about stuff:
Jenny – Daddy, why can’t I get my eyebrows pierced?
Matrix – Huh? I’m sorry honey. I was thinking about the time I chopped off a guy’s arm with a machete while I was on that one man rescue mission to save your life. What were you saying?
Shining Moment: “Remember when I promised to kill you last? I lied.” That’s gold, Jerry!
Occupation: Science Officer USS Enterprise, Starfleet Federation Embassador
Movie Appearances: Star Treks I-VI, Star Trek (2009)
Pros: Good at math. Cons: Shows no emotions, therefore will not laugh at any of your awesome jokes.
The Deal: Sure, James T. Kirk gets credit for saving the galaxy dozens of times, but if it wasn’t for a certain Vulcan, his toupeed butt would have been toast before the movie franchise even started! Spock is super smart and possesses amazing diplomacy skills, but when push comes to shove, he’ll slap a Vulcan neck pinch on you that will have you on the floor faster than a sorority girl at a kegger.
Shining moment: He came back from the dead. Suck that, Klingon Empire!
Name: The 300
Occupation: Spartan Soldiers
Movie Appearances: 300 (2006)
Pros: There’s 300 of them! Cons: They do more ab crunches before 9 AM than you do all year, fatty!
The Deal: In 300, King Leonidas and 300 of his best soldiers square off against King Xerxes and his army, which consists of everyone else on the planet. Do they run away? No! Do they give in? No! Do they die? Yes. Not exactly an upbeat ending, but the well trained and tenacious Spartans give Xerxes a heck of a run for their money! Before they’re horrifically slaughtered, of course. Spartans are a “glass is half full” race of warriors I guess.
Shining Moment: Leonidas and his guards welcome Xerxes’ messengers into the castle, then toss them into a bottomless well. What did the Persians learn from that? Never go visiting without an edible arrangements fruit bouquet!
Name: The Shoveler
Occupation: Part-time superhero.
Movie Appearances: Mystery Men (1999)
Pros: His chrome plated shovel of justice! Cons: His son needs his chest protector back for baseball practice.
The Deal: God gave him a gift. He shovels well. He shovels very well. And when Champion City needed a hero, The Shoveler answered the call! Brave, stalwart, and fearless, he patrols the city fighting evildoers wherever they may be! Did I also mention he’s really really nice? Seriously, the guy is just aces. Heart of gold!
Shining Moment: Beating guys with a shovel, surviving a movie with Ben Stiller And Janeane Garofalo.
Name: James Howlett/Logan/Wolverine
Occupation: Former soldier, Adjunct instructor – Charles Xavier’s School For Gifted Youngsters, Stone cold badass.
Movie Appearances: X-Men 1-3, X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)
Pros: Adimantium claws, super healing power. Cons: Canadian.
The Deal: So angry. So very angry. Oh Logan, who hurt you? If I had mutant powers like the other X Men, my power would be the ability to mend a broken heart. And your adimantiun plated heart is broken Logan. Is it ready to be healed?
Shining Moment: Beheading Ryan Reynolds at the climax of X-Men Origins: Wolverine was the greatest thing in the history of film.
Click here to read the first installment of Movie Characters You Want On Your Side Always.