Possessed, You Say? (Part Three)
In this final part of this series, DVD Critics Corner takes a look at the people and things that have been possessed by an evil force in the movies.
Part Three – People
The problem with being an alien from another planet or a disembodied entity from the depths of Hades itself is that every once in a while you have to inhabit the body of some poor dopey human being. As great a feat of design the human body is, for the most part human beings are rather slow, ungainly, and difficult to maneuver most of the time. When it comes right down to it, we’re basically Chevy Chevettes with clothing. Despite this, those darn aliens and hellbeasts just keep trying to take over our bodies, bless their freakish black hearts. Here are some movie characters that aren’t quite themselves thanks to some outside help.
Occupation: 12 year old girl
As seen in: The Exorcist (1973)
Possessed by: A teenager
Chris Macneil (Ellen Burstyn) is horrified when her daughter Regan (Linda Blair) turns from darling cherub into a violent pea soup spitting beast with the mouth of a longshoreman. Who or what is to blame for this? Teenagers! Lets face it, teenagers are the most terrifying things the planet, from their constant shrieking to their stubborn refusal to sit up straight and keep off our lawns. They are an unholy force determined to rip the very fabric of time and space, which is fine with them because they love ripped clothing for some reason. What is a harried Mom to do when her kid turns into a teenager? My advice is to crack open a bottle of Chardonnay and hope he/she gets into a good college on the other side of the country.
Occupation: Mild Mannered Bank Clerk
As Seen In: The Mask (1994)
Possessed By: One Gigantic Douchebag.
Let’s see…Flashy outfit? Check. Shit eating grin? Check. Over inflated sense of importance coupled with tremendous arrogance? Checkeroony.
Loud, obnoxious and freakish, Stanley’s green-faced alter ego would have been a great reality TV star. Just trade his zoot suit for an Ed Hardy tee and he’d probably be trading pithy bon mots with Snooki and the other Rhode Scholars on The Jersey Shore right now. Fortunately for Stanley, his douchebaggery can be cured by simply taking off his magical mask. Those Jersey Shore folks are actually like that. All the time. That sound you hear is my soul weeping.
Occupation: Police Officer, Stripper, Senator, etc.
As Seen In: The Hidden (1987)
Possessed By: The awesome kind of space alien
Once again, The Hidden proves that the cool space aliens aren’t always the ones that come in peace. These weird space slugs in this 80’s sci fi classic want to party down in as many human hosts as possible before they’re exterminated. They love fast cars, heavy metal music and blowing stuff up. You throw in a Def Leppard shirt and that’s every kid I went to middle school with, and those kids were pretty cool!
Occupation: Industialist, Ambassador, Potential Antichrist
As Seen In: The Omen film series
Possessed by: A politician
Without a doubt the most unholiest of spirits to possess a human, the politician knows no bounds when it comes to spreading evil. The speeches, the promises, the staged photo ops at that daycare center, all weapons wielded by this dark lord in his never ending bid to rule the city councils and zoning boards, and maybe one day (cue ominous chanting) a low level congressional district! It’s times like this I’m glad I don’t vote.
Occupation: Hot Girlfriend
As Seen In: Witchboard (1986)
You know what, I don’t have anything prepared for this movie, but remember how incredibly gorgeous Tawney Kitaen was before Whitesnake came along and used her as their own personal Soloflex? Ah Tawney, what could have been.
And this concludes DVD Critics Corner’s three part series Possessed, You Say?
Thank God. I mean, high five!
Tom Levier votes. He votes all the time. He has the number for Dancing With The Stars on his speed dial!