Movie Characters You Want On Your Side. Always.

I’ve watched plenty of  movies over the years, and I’ve learned one important thing:

There will never be another talent like Patrick Swayze.

The second most important thing I’ve learned is if you have the right team, there is no amount of ass you can’t kick.

So if you’re putting together your own personal Magnificent Seven or Ocean’s Eleven of action movie characters to help overthrow that galactic empire or take down that army of mercenaries, might I suggest putting some (or all) of these guys on your roster:

Name: R2-D2 (Artoo Detoo)

Occupation:  Astromech Droid, Rebel Soldier

Movie Appearances:  Star Wars Episodes 1-6.

Pros: Fearless, resourceful. Cons: Can’t understand a damn word he’s saying.

The Deal: With 1,001 gadgets stuffed into his little blue and white body and the brainpower to override any security system, Artoo is a rolling Swiss Army knife with mad computer skills. Plus, R2-D2 has something many movie robots don’t have: a titanium set of balls. Would Johnny 5 wade into (I’m sorry- roll into) a firefight to unlock a door for his human companions? Could Wall E ride piggyback on an X Wing fighter as it barreled down a Death Star Trench?  Hell no!  It’s the balls I tells ya! Is it any wonder he needs three legs to walk?

Shining Moment: Despite being shot in the head by a Tie Fighter at the Battle of Yavin, Artoo managed to clean himself up and make it to Princess Leia’s stupid award ceremony. Did he get a medal? No. Did he make a fuss? No.  Artoo abides.

Name: John McClane

Occupation: Bad Ass Police Officer

Movie Appearances: Die Hards 1-4

Pros: Not afraid to blast away at the bad guys. Cons: Uses lots of ammo, potty mouth

The Deal: He’s surly, insubordinate, and not the best husband or dad, but since Detective John McClane has killed more terrorists than NATO, we’ll ignore his little personality quirks as long as he is on the job. Despite the incredible amount of punishment he receives during a typical Die Hard movie, McClane will do whatever it takes to make sure he’s the last man standing so he can utter a really cool catchphrase.

Shining Moment: In Live Free or Die Hard (Die Hard 4), John McClane beats the crap out of an F-35 fighter jet. Yippee Ki Yay.

Name: Optimus Prime

Occupation: Autobot

Movie Appearances:  Transformers movie series.

Pros: Huge Goddamn alien robot. Cons: Likes to give long speeches, unhealthy attachment to Shia LaBeouf.

The Deal: Like R2-D2 and John McClane, the brave leader of the Autobots has the ability to get blown up and still live to fight another day.  He is a little on the big side, so don’t ask him to go crawling into a ventilation system or dance around a laser grid on the floor.  Prime’s biggest asset is he transforms into a truck, so he can haul the teams stuff around and drive you home when your mission is over.  Be sure to kick in for gas money.

Shining Moment: Saving Sam Witwicky’s ass over and over again in spite of the protests of moviegoers everywhere.

Name: Frank Martin

Occupation: Brooding asskicker

Movie Appearances: The Transporter 1-3

Pros: Really good at kicking people, great driver. Cons: Your girlfriend will dump you for him in a heartbeat.

The Deal: Frank Martin is a great action movie character. He’s strong, silent, and able to render a group of attackers unconscious with a super deluxe collection of martial arts moves. He’s a man of few words, and hopefully those words are “Have a seat, I’ll beat these guys up for you.”  Since Martin wears fine designer suits, he’d have no trouble helping you pick the right outfit to wear if you have to infiltrate a fancy party at an embassy or a drug lord’s mansion.  If you’re going to put the beatdown on the bad guys, you might as well be stylin!

Shining Moment: In Transporter 2, Martin barrel rolls his Audi A8 through the air, timing things precisely so an overhead hook from a crane knocks off a bomb the bad guys taped to his car a second before they push the detonator.  That move was so sweet you could grind it up and sprinkle it on my latte!

Name: Alice

Occupation: Former security officer, Umbrella corporation

Movie Appearances: Resident Evil movie series

Pros: Extensive firearms collection Cons: Zombies follow her everywhere she goes.

The Deal: I gave up on the Resident Evil franchise after the second film, but since Alice is still alive and well after five Resident Evil movies, she must be doing something right. Alice carries a bunch of guns with an endless supply of ammo 24/7, which will be helpful when McClane uses up all of his bullets in the first skirmish and is in need of a backup weapon. Although Alice is a hot babe, her battle hardened demeanor no nonsense attitude makes her immune to the macho charms of the other guys on this list. Except for maybe…

Name: Sean Connery

Occupation: Sean Connery

Movie Appearances: He was James Bond.

Pros: Being Sean Connery. Cons: None.

The Deal: He’s Sean Freaking Connery!

Shining Moment: In the Highlander movie series he played a Spaniard who spoke with a Scottish accent because nobody had the guts to tell him he couldn’t do that.

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About Tom Levier

Tom is a New Jersey native who lived in New York City for a while, and is now back in the Garden State. He is creator and writer of Central Park: A Misguide, DVD Critics Corner!, and The Gallows. Please read, comment on, and subscribe to his blogs. It would make him very happy. When not writing, Tom enjoys making jewelry and other handmade items for his shop Cold Garage Creations. Check out his shop on Etsy! https://www.etsy.com/shop/ColdGarageCreations

Posted on November 27, 2011, in DVD, Funny, Humor, Movies. Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. I was going to say that you were lacking something but then you added in Sir Sean at the end. Well done. You think that motley crew can fight off any terrorist, zombie, stormtrooper, or bully that picks on Shia LaBeouf. Isn’t he like 30 now? Why hasn’t he graduated from high school?

  2. Thanks for reading. Full disclosure, I haven’t seen the third Transformers movie yet. Don’t tell anyone.

  3. Nice list – this is one team I definitely wouldn’t want to mess with. 😉

  4. Wait, r2d2 didnt get a medal? FU Lucas! We want you to fix that in post production in “Star Wars box set in 5D avaliable in 2021.”

  1. Pingback: Movie Characters You Want On Your Side. Always. Part Three! « DVD Critics Corner!

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