FASTER

Faster (2010) Director: George Tillman Jr. Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Billy Bob Thorton Rating: R for violence, drug stuff  and the F word

Ricardo Montalban once said revenge is a dish best served cold.

I disagree.

Revenge should be served in one of those large chafing dishes heated by a can of sterno.  That way your revenge will come out warm in the middle but a soggy and undercooked on the ends, forcing your victims to fill up on salad and rolls, which are loaded with poison.

And that’s why I can’t work in the catering industry anymore.

Anyhoo, Faster is a revenge film starring the artist formally known as The Rock Dwayne Johnson as a man who’s released from a ten year prison stint sporting huge muscles and the biggest frowny face I have ever seen.

Driver (Yes, that’s the name of Johnson’s character) is out to avenge his brother who was murdered by a pack of sleazy thugs who stole the money they had just stolen from a bank.  Utilizing some intel compiled by a shady friend, Driver begins picking off the gang members one by one with a humongous revolver that looks like something Yosemite Sam would carry while hunting that no good varmint Bugs Bunny.

This bloody mayhem attracts the attention of a drug addicted cop (Thorton) who knows more about this case than he’s letting on, and a professional hit man (Oliver Jackson-Cohen) who wants to retire becasue he thinks he’s gotten too good at killing even though throughout the movie he can’t put one bullet into Driver, a man who’s roughly the size of a Maytag 25 Cubic Ft Side By Side refrigerator.

Driver’s mode of transport in Faster is a super cherry 1970 Chevy Chevelle SS, proving once again the coolest cars for kicking ass in movies are good ol American muscle cars. You think Driver could properly avenge the death of his brother in a 1984 Mitsubishi Galant? Please.

Despite having an action star known for his ass kicking abilities, a real cool car,  and a juicy revenge plotline, Faster isn’t very fast at all. But I guess it would be hard to market a film if the title directly reflected what was happening on the screen, which is why Faster wasn’t called Drags A Bit in the Middle or The Hitman Subplot Should Have Been Cut In The Final Draft.

To sum up: Less talking and more ass kicking would have saved Faster. Hey, that’s exactly what I said when I saw Fried Green Tomatoes! Weird, huh?

One final thought:  Johnson’s character is named Driver, because he is very good at operating a motor vehicle at high and unsafe speeds. I’m assuming Driver isn’t the name he was born with, just something he picked up, but how messed up would that be if his parents named him Driver?

No pressure about what your job is going to be son!

Be whatever you want when you grow up, Driver!

Glad they didn’t name the kid Ambassador or Supreme Court Justice! Although The Rock playing a Supreme Court Justice would be freakin awesome.  Call me Dwayne, I got a project to pitch to you!

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About Tom Levier

Tom is a New Jersey native who lived in New York City for a while, and is now back in the Garden State. He is creator and writer of Central Park: A Misguide, DVD Critics Corner!, and The Gallows. Please read, comment on, and subscribe to his blogs. It would make him very happy. When not writing, Tom enjoys making jewelry and other handmade items for his shop Cold Garage Creations. Check out his shop on Etsy! https://www.etsy.com/shop/ColdGarageCreations

Posted on November 18, 2011, in DVD, Funny, Humor, Movies, Reviews. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

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