Season of the Witch
Season of the Witch (2011) Starring: Nicolas Cage, Ron Perlman Director: Dominic Sena Rating: PG-13 for swordfights and witches.
Season of the Witch is a fantasy/adventure thriller set in the terrible time known as the dark ages and is not to be confused with Halloween III: Season of the Witch, a John Carpenter horror film set in an equally terrible time – the eighties. Although to be fair, the eighties had slightly better clothes and the music was totally awesome.
Nicolas Cage plays Behman, a brave knight who quit the Crusades because all the fighting and killing was seriously cutting into his “me” time. With his trusty wisecracking and asskicking pal Felson (played by Ron Perlman who must be contractually obligated to play the wisecracking asskicking sidekick in every B grade sci-fi/fantasy film) Behman returns to Europe where everyone is infected with the black plague, causing them to die a slow death while speaking with American accents.
Behman and Felson find themselves in a village where the priests believe a strange young woman (Claire Foy) is a witch who is causing the plague. Rather than be executed for desertion, the fugitive knights agree to transport the girl to a remote monastery where a book will kill the witch, stop the plague and make the dark ages a happy place for everyone!
There’s lots of action and suspense in Season of the Witch as Cage, Perlman, and a group of supporting actors who will die according to their order in the credits battle CG wolves and a flying demon who talks like a character in a Speed Racer episode while protecting a girl who may not be who she seems. Unfortunately director Dominic Sena took the whole “dark” age thing quite literally so it’s very hard to see what’s going on since most scenes look like they were filmed through a welding helmet with a #10 shield.
If you were a welder, you’d be laughing right now.
The most important thing you can take away from Season of the Witch is that women cannot be trusted. So if you meet a beautiful girl you connect with on a spiritual level who shares your hopes and dreams be warned – she is a she devil who will burn your very soul and then run off with a some personal finance douche she met at the coffee place across the street where you two used to hang out on Sundays listening to NPR while thinking EVERYTHING WAS JUST MOTHERFRACKING FINE!!!!!
I’m going to stop now.