Monthly Archives: October 2011

Sucker Punch

Sucker Punch (2011) Director: Zack Snyder  Starring: Emily Browning, Abby Cornish, Vanessa Hudgens  Rating: PG-13 for CG violence and stuff.

Here’s a cute story.

I was preparing for an evening of movie watching. I had my snuggie, a hot cup of Celestial Seasons tea, and a DVD of the 1994 version of Little Women starring a pre shoplifting arrest Winona Ryder.

I popped the disk into the thingee and settled in to watch the sprawling tale of the March sisters as they come of age, fall in love, and try to find their way in Civil War America.

Perhaps director Gillian Armstrong was taking some creative license and had strayed away from the source material, because as I watched the first hour, I noticed some peculiarities about this particular adaptation of Louisa May Alcott’s novel:

Did Jo fight giant Samarai warriors in the book?

Why is Meg wearing a leather bustier and shooting Nazi zombies?

Did the 1949 version of this movie have Beth and Amy battling a fire breathing dragon with a World War II era bomber?

Scott Glenn is in this?

It was then I realized I was watching Sucker Punch, a 2011 fantasy/action film directed by Zack Snyder (300, Watchmen) and not the American classic Little Women.

Silly me.

The story of Sucker Punch is as follows; Babydoll (Emily Browning) is a hot young girl unjustly locked away in a mental hospital for hot young girls where she plans her escape.  Or is Babydoll a hot young dancer locked away in a brothel run by a sleazy mobster where she plans her escape? Or maybe Babydoll is a hot young ass kicking character in a giant videogame who dresses like Sailor Moon and fights off hundreds of bad guys to find the “magic objects” she needs to plan her escape?

Aw heck, why not all three!

Sucker Punch is packed with plenty of CG monsters and robots, lots of machine guns, tons of highly choreographed fight scenes filmed in ultra slick slow mo, and a bunch of hot young actresses dressed like extras from that Lady Marmalade video. It has everything you’d ever want in a movie, if you were Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons.

Like Inception, Sucker Punch is a mind bending story where the line between reality and dreams has been erased, but instead of Leonardo DiCaprio’s sour mug for two hours we get to look at the girl from High School Musical shooting guns while dressed as some sort of S&M vampire, so that’s both hunky and dory in my book!

If you like your movies confusing, loud, and action packed, I highly recommend Sucker Punch. If you like your tea with the tender sweetness of peaches, I highly recommend the Imperial White Peach tea from Celestial Seasons.

It’s like a warm hug in a cup.

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Season of the Witch

Season of the Witch (2011) Starring: Nicolas Cage, Ron Perlman Director: Dominic Sena Rating: PG-13 for swordfights and witches.

 Season of the Witch is a fantasy/adventure thriller set in the terrible time known as the dark ages and is not to be confused with Halloween III: Season of the Witch, a John Carpenter horror film set in an equally terrible time – the eighties. Although to be fair, the eighties had slightly better clothes and the music was totally awesome.

Nicolas Cage plays Behman, a brave knight who quit the Crusades because all the fighting and killing was seriously cutting into his “me” time.  With his trusty wisecracking and asskicking pal Felson (played by Ron Perlman who must be contractually obligated to play the wisecracking asskicking sidekick in every B grade sci-fi/fantasy film) Behman returns to Europe where everyone is infected with the black plague, causing them to die a slow death while speaking with American accents.

Behman and Felson find themselves in a village where the priests believe a strange young woman (Claire Foy) is a witch who is causing the plague.  Rather than be executed for desertion, the fugitive knights agree to transport the girl to a remote monastery  where a book will kill the witch, stop the plague and make the dark ages a happy place for everyone!

There’s lots of action and suspense in Season of the Witch as Cage, Perlman, and a group of supporting actors who will die according to their order in the credits battle CG wolves and a flying demon who talks like a character in a Speed Racer episode while protecting a girl who may not be who she seems. Unfortunately director Dominic Sena took the whole “dark” age thing quite literally so it’s very hard to see what’s going on since most scenes look like they were filmed through a welding helmet with a #10 shield.

If you were a welder, you’d be laughing right now.

The most important thing you can take away from Season of the Witch is that women cannot be trusted. So if you meet a beautiful girl you connect with on a spiritual level who shares your hopes and dreams be warned – she is a she devil who will burn your very soul and then run off with a some personal finance douche she met at the coffee place across the street where you two used to hang out on Sundays listening to NPR while thinking EVERYTHING WAS JUST MOTHERFRACKING FINE!!!!!

I’m going to stop now.