Possessed, You Say? (Part Two)

In this continuing series, DVD Critics Corner profiles the people and things that have been possessed by an evil force in the movies.

Part Two – Homes

Owning a home is an American dream, but it comes at a price; mortgage payments, the time and energy spent in upkeep and maintenance, demon beasts try to devour your family in the unholy fires of Hell, and those damn property taxes! Hoo boy, those will kill ya!

Okay, let’s look at a few movie homes that will not make you the envy of the neighborhood:

The Amityville Horror House

Type/Features: Dutch Colonial, 6 BR, boathouse, oozing green slime, flies

As Seen In: The Amityville Horror movie series

Possessed by: Long Island demons

The Amityville Horror is based on a true story of a family who moves into a Long Island house and is terrorized by evil spirits. Now there’s your problem – these spirits are from long Island! Ever been there? Long Island is the only place Hell is afraid of. Imagine the demons that choose to live there! Don’t believe me? Check out the fans at a New York Islanders home game. Long Island demons are about 30% more evil than those folks. And only 10% less drunk.

The Burnt Offerings Mansion

Type/Features: Neoclassical-Revival, 10 fireplaces, servants quarters, homicidal chimney

As Seen In: Burnt Offerings (1976)

Possessed by: That freaking creepy woman in the attic.

I know times are tough. It’s hard to afford certain luxuries, especially a huge old mansion for you and your family. Wait a minute…here’s a huge old mansion in the paper with everything you need! And the rent is super cheap! All you have to do is let the caretaker’s creepy old mother live there in her isolated attic bedroom! Now, if a loud warning klaxon isn’t going off in your head telling your brain moving into an old mansion with a creepy old woman is the worst idea since New Coke, I don’t know what to tell you. It’s like you want your family to be slaughtered by the fiendish house form Hell! Sheesh.

The Overlook Hotel

Type/Features: Resort Hotel/Lodge, hedge maze, ballroom, river of blood in main lobby

As Seen In: The Shining (1980)

Possessed by: Rich Ghosts

Let’s Face it; rich people are way better than the rest of us. They’re happier because they have so much stuff and all of it is awesome. Their children are way better than your kids because they go to the best schools, and they’re so beautiful, because rich people are just better looking than us normals. Even when they die their spirits haunt the best places, like exclusive hotels like The Overlook. Sure, Jack Torrence (Jack Nicholson) met with a horrifying death while trying to murder his wife and son, but every one of the ghosts who drove him to madness were impeccably dressed in their finest formal wear. That’s class, baby!

The Freeling House

Type/Features: Split level, 3 BR, skeletons in pool

As Seen In: Poltergeist (1982)

Possessed by: Steven Spielberg

You know at the climax of the film when the house implodes in on itself and vanishes into an eerie vortex? That wasn’t an elaborate special effect by the good folks at ILM. Steven Spielberg did that to an actual house…

With his freaking MIND! I’m serious man.

And finally…

The Walden House

Type/Features: Single family suburban tract house, 3BR, talking fish

As Seen In: The Cat in the Hat (2003)

Possessed By:

Oh my God! What the Hell is that? KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT!!!!! I cast you out, Demon Beast! The power of Christ compels you! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!!!

We’re not doing this again.

Click here to read part one of Possessed, You Say?

Posted on December 20, 2011, in DVD, Horror, Humor, Movies, Reviews. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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